


Baby Steps

by JoeBagadonut, WhyMeiTalksWithPigeons



Series: Baby Steps [1]
Category: citrus - サブロウタ | citrus - Saburouta
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2020-03-01 04:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 44,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18793408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoeBagadonut/pseuds/JoeBagadonut, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyMeiTalksWithPigeons/pseuds/WhyMeiTalksWithPigeons
Summary: Set in the aftermath of chapter 36 of the Citrus manga, Yuzu's life is once again turned upside down as Mei returns home.Written and edited by Team Pigeons - WhyMeiTalksWithPigeons & JoeBagadonut





	1. Embers of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Baby Steps begins in the immediate aftermath of chapter 36 of the Citrus manga.
> 
> We also wish to state that Baby Steps is a story that we have been brainstorming ideas and planning for over a year. It is set in the same time period as Saburouta's Citrus Plus but we would like to assure readers that any similarities between the two are purely coincidental.
> 
> We are incredibly pleased to be able to share the first chapter with you and hope that you enjoy reading it. Thank you!

#### Obscured By Clouds

 

Drip. Drip.

 

The restless faucet cut through the distant noise of the television as a news report went ignored. For Aihara Ume, matters beyond the sphere of her family mattered little in that moment of time. She placed the final bowl back to its proper place in the kitchen cupboard and nodded with satisfaction.

 

Everything as it should be.

 

The evidence of another successful meal for two had been swept away, becoming little more than a memory, a troubling reminder of the impermanence of all things.

 

Still, she could not rest easy and even as she took her seat in front of the television, the sound failed to reach her. Her pricked ears continued waiting for a stimulus that her brain quietly whispered would not be coming. Her home had become a quiet place and she found herself wishing for a return to the lively atmosphere that had never failed to provide a welcome distraction from the rigours of her working day.

 

Now, as she sat alone in the darkened room, she began to feel an ache that had previously been confined to shadow. An ache in her back. An ache in her stomach. An ache in her heart.

 

The last few months had taken their toll. She lifted her hands and stared at her palms for a few long moments; even in the room's penumbra, the few callouses that formed a metacarpal constellation were easily visible. They chronicled the story of her life and yet she had found them to somehow be more unsightly as of late. Her husband had only left on his latest round of travels a few weeks ago but she had already found herself missing being able to place those hands upon his shoulders.

 

When the phone rang, Ume frowned in surprise. She had not heard that clear cut ringing tone in months; it was a remnant of a time when waiting for a call meant staying at home. It belonged to a different world. Upon such thought, she stood in a hurry and, forgetting her slippers, rushed to the foyer. The quick thudding of her bare feet gave form to her sudden excitement, one caused by an intuition that she refused to acknowledge. Regardless, there was no time to indulge in conjectures, for she had already lifted the receiver to her ear.

 

"Hello?"

 

"...Mother." To hear her Mei call her mother, after so many months of silence, procured Ume a joy that could hardly be contained within the confines of language.

 

"Mei-chan!" She exploded with little regard for the late hour, careful to conceal the catch in her throat with a single laugh, as always unwilling to burden her children with her emotional temperament. A mother's heart was no longer her own.

 

"I apologize for calling at such a late hour, Mother." Mei's elegant speech pattern had Ume chuckle in bemused affection. It was part of her daughter as much as her purple gaze was and because of that, it was invaluable to her. Still, she could not allow for such a statement to remain unchallenged.

 

"Now, now, such things do not matter." She took paused, picturing the image of an adorably wide eyed Mei-chan in her mind, before continuing in her most loving voice. "You can call at any hour, Mei-chan."

 

"Regardless, I..." Ume's hands tightening around the device as the silence stretched for more than a few seconds. She simply waited for her daughter to continue while chewing her lower lip.

 

"How is work at the moment?" The sudden question did not surprise Ume as it permitted Mei to steer the conversation to a neutral terrain.

 

"It's quite tiring at the moment, Mei-chan - Either that or your Mama is getting older!" With a chuckle, Ume effortlessly moved to a more casual tone of voice to accommodate her daughter. She continued talking about her day, able to make even the most mundane of happenings sound interesting.

 

"The marriage has been called off, Mother."

 

"What?" Ume did not know what to be more surprised by: the content of the statement or that her usually cool and collected daughter had blurted it out. "I'm sorry for talking about myself, Mei-chan. What's going on?"

 

"After speaking to Udagawa-san, it appeared that neither of us was enthusiastic about the arrangement.”

 

Another pause, this one filled with trepidation. Ume’s grip around the phone tightened once more, until a dull cracking sound forced her to relax. She had to endure, this silence was not for her to break.

 

“I... I could not do it, Mother.”

 

The odd tremor in her Mei’s voice was cause for concern but it also filled Ume with relief. Her daughter was deeply troubled, that much was clear, but the simple fact that she had allowed herself to appear vulnerable was a positive thing for the girl whose heart usually remained closed.

 

“It’s better to be open about these things, Mei-chan. That’s what I think.” She nodded firmly to herself. “You and Udagawa-san did the right thing by being honest with each other and yourselves.”

 

Her own marriage had been a contentious one, albeit for very different reasons. Because of that, when Mei had told her about her plans, Ume had maintained a neutral stance. She had not wished  to further burden Mei as her daughter’s mind appeared to be set. Since then, not a single a single day had passed that did not see her regretting the decision to keep silent. A young girl should never be forced into such a situation. It was not right.

 

"I...Thank you, Mother." The delicate quality of Mei's voice filled Ume with tenderness and she could easily imagine her youngest dropping to perform a perfect bow, her long jet black tresses falling forward, the tips of her hair almost grazing the floor.

 

"If it is agreeable to... the pair of you,  I would like to come home." Her cool tone became tremulous as the sentence progressed, a fleeting moment of frailty for a girl who rarely allowed her emotions to break the surface.

 

“Of course, darling!” Ume’s reply was an exclamation of pure undiluted joy, uttered on bouncing feet. Once she recovered from her outburst, she gazed around with furtive eyes, almost expecting to be scolded as the hour was late. The neighbors would have to excuse her; her daughter was coming home.

 

A soft exhale at the other end of the line brought a smile to her lips. It was a smile only a mother would understand. When it came to family, her daughter’s wounds were deep and yet, there she was, bravely taking another chance.

 

“This is your home, Mei-chan.” She added, not caring to hide the catch in her voice this time.

 

Once the call was over, Ume set the receiver down with extreme care and found herself smiling as the image of Mei dialing the number, with only the tips of her slender fingers appearing from the long sleeve of her cardigan, formed in her mind. Her daughter was coming home in about a week and Ume could hardly wait. The silent house no longer felt like a sad and ghastly creature; it seemed to be waiting instead and the quiet was merely a moment of preparation. This place was meant for more than two people.

 

At the thought of having both of her daughters with her, Ume’s free hand flew to her mouth, the lump in her throat giving way to a sob at last. She refused her tears even though they were sweet ones as Yuzu never failed to grow anxious when spotting her crying face. She had seen it too many times as a child and those had not been happy tears. Ume was quick to set her regrets aside though, as she knew all too well how dwelling on the past only caused her to miss the present.

 

"Alright!" She exclaimed, placing her hands on her hips and nodding to herself in the mirror. Her hair was a bit ruffled as she had been twirling her locks around her fingers while talking to Mei. The traditional phone had probably tricked her back into this old habit of hers.

 

She ran her hands through it, smoothing it down summarily before skipping across the living room. She made her way to her daughter's room swiftly, easily moving through the dimly-lit hallway, her senses sharpened through years of parenting.

 

A parent developed special instincts and as of late, Ume had been in conflict with hers. Yuzu no longer smiled as she used to and her gaze appeared incredibly tired, as if even holding her eyes open required a terrible effort. There was a silence lingering about her, something unspoken as though part of her had been been severed. Ume had been resisting the urge to ask her daughter about any of it as those pesky instincts of hers kept telling her that this silence was for Yuzu to break.

 

As she stood in front of her daughter's door, she abandoned her musings and rapped her knuckles upon the smooth wooden surface, breaking the silence with her rhythmical tapping. A long moment followed, one that saw her strain her hearing as she waited, wishing for a reply that never came. She deflated as a long sigh fled her lips and rested her forehead against the door alongside the flat of her hand. It was to be expected; Yuzu had been going to sleep quite early in the last few months.

 

A smile found its way on her lips at the thought of Yuzu sleeping with her limbs shooting out in every direction while the covers lay scattered about her. It provided her with a very good reason to step into the room. The evening was slightly on the chilly side and she had always adored tucking Yuzu in.

 

She cracked the door open and was pleased to discover that the room was not completely full of darkness. Yuzu was sitting at her low-lying table in a bubble of light provided by her nightstand lamp. She was very much awake, with an open schoolbook in front of her as she wrote down notes on a paper with stunning diligence.

 

Ume leaned against the doorframe, loosely crossing her arms over her chest while relaxing into a bemused expression. She did not bother to call for her daughter because by the way her head was slightly bobbing up and down, it was clear that Yuzu had a pair of earphones hidden beneath her flowing golden hair. Ume reached to switch on the main light, flooding the room with brightness at once.

 

“Mama!” Yuzu squealed, now staring at her while pulling her earphones from her ears.

 

“Sorry, darling.” Ume chuckled, waving her daughter’s concern away. “Would you join Mama for some tea, sweetie?”

 

“I...sure.” Yuzu replied and immediately looked away. “I only need a moment to order my notes.” She continued before busying herself with the papers littering her table.

 

“Ah! Look at you!” Ume smiled warmly, the teasing present in her voice held only affection. “You’ve became quite the student, Yuzu-san!”

 

"Well..." A soft blush spread about her cheeks. "...The test is tomorrow and I'd like to break the top 50 this time."

 

“I’ll wait for you in the kitchen then.” She said, suddenly unable to stop smiling when Yuzu nodded at her.

 

Ume could not stop herself from frowning when her daughter stepped out of the dark aisle, there was little sound or vibrancy in her presence and her unfocused gaze suggested her to be lost in her own world. Perhaps she was simply tired as her focus on her study had eroded her sleeping time. Ume knew this self-assuring lie to be a futile one though.

 

As always careful to not burden her children, Ume traded her frown for an easy smile when attention returned to her daughter’s eyes. Her smile soon became a sweet and loving one as soon as Yuzu attempted to return it while making her way through the living area. Her daughter’s smile was a small one and did not quite reach her eyes but Ume valued efforts as much as she valued results in her personal life.

 

Yuzu walked with her hands buried in the pockets of her hoodie, the stance accentuating her slouched posture, making her appear even smaller at the moment. She was not wearing her usual array of bracelets and charms, which along with her unusually flat hair made for an unlikely picture. Still, even the sudden reprieve from her fashion-inspired ways could be a byproduct of tiredness. It made for an unusual sight but Ume believed her daughter's academic aspirations to be more than worth the occasional lack of style.

 

Once she joined her at the table, Ume stared at her from above her steaming cup of tea for a long moment, barely holding back a chuckle when Yuzu’s wrapped her hands around her own cup, revealing the chipped nail polish on her fingers. Still, she melted into an expression of only love as her mind revisited the memory of teaching a little Yuzu how to paint her nails. It surely was one of her sweetest memories but then, the same was true of each and every moment involving her daughter.

 

"Orange and ginger. That's a new flavor." Yuzu rescued her from her musings after taking a long sip from her cup.

 

"It feels good to change on occasions, doesn't it?"  She smiled sweetly at her daughter and was not entirely surprised to find a pensive expression on her delicate face.

 

As soon as she took notice on her perplexed expression, Yuzu was quick to agree with her, even mustering a smile before hiding behind the action of sipping her hot beverage. Ume stared at her own tea, rotating the cup gently as to contemplate the rippling surface.

 

"Mama?" The note of concern in Yuzu’s voice had her lift her head immediately. She mentally scolded herself for indulging herself at such a delicate time. She soothed Yuzu’s confusion with a reassuring smile and reached over to wrap her hand around hers.

 

"It's all right, darling." Yuzu's hand was uncharacteristically cold and for some reason it felt incredibly small. Holding it never failed to tether Ume to the present as Yuzu would immediately return the favor. This time though, her daughter’s hand remained limp and uncertain in her grip.

 

"Mama is quite happy, actually." She leaned closer, yielding to the temptation of combing her fingers through her child’s hair, smoothing her blonde fringe sideways.

 

"Mei-chan just called and--”

 

"Is she alright?" Yuzu blurted out, cutting her sentence midway. The urgency in her voice was close to frantic and the piercing intensity of her gaze pinned Ume to her place.

 

"Yes. Yes, she is." She hastened to reassure her child, cupping her face in a firm caress before leaning forward to look directly at her.

 

"The marriage has been called off. Mei-chan is coming home." She took care to firmly enunciate every word, resisting the urge to rush the reveal, yet she found herself smiling uncontrollably at the sudden widening of Yuzu’s eyes. Their beauty had been hidden by downcast gazes and heavy lids for far too long.

 

“...When?” Yuzu asked in a whisper before tucking her chin into her chest, as though trying to avoid her gaze.

 

The subdued reaction sobered Ume slightly; she was not as naive as to think the time ahead would pass without challenges and she had expected Yuzu to be wary. Still, her instinct told her that something else was at play.

 

"She’ll be home next week, darling!” She continued in unabated enthusiasm, electing to hold onto her positive attitude as there would be no point in concealing her happiness. Beside, offering her honest feelings was the most respectful way to honor her loved ones.

 

“She has to complete a few things and then she'll be moving back in.” She paused to smile at her daughter, trusting the short time separating them from Mei’s return to prompt a reaction from her.

 

“Isn't it wonderful, Yuzu?"  She added, bringing her hands together under her chin with a sound clap.

 

Her enthusiasm gave way to worry as her predictions were completely thwarted. She found herself frowning as Yuzu’s eyes became vacant. Her sole visible reaction was to curl her hand at the base of her neck. She made a tight fist around her shirt, creasing the fabric with little regard.

 

“Yuzu?” She called, hoping to gain back her daughter’s attention. Or a sliver of it, as her child had slipped away, somewhere far out of her reach, to a place where Yuzu had been spending more and more time lately.

 

"Mmhmm." Yuzu managed a half-hearted nod, seemingly coming back to the present but quick to hide herself from view as she immediately lifted her hands to rub her eyes.

 

Ume did not miss the subtle tension within her movements yet she wisely elected to keep quiet. She had honed her timing when it came to parenthood almost to perfection, at least when Yuzu was concerned.

 

“You seem tired, darling.” She intoned lovingly, smiling in amused affection when Yuzu slapped her own cheeks slightly, as if trying to wake herself. In truth, the action was meant to clear her mind. Ume knew all too well as she had the same quirk.

 

"Yes....I should go to bed, Mama." Her quiet voice held a peculiar frailty as anguish was clearly mixed within it. Something had changed as during the past months Yuzu had appeared defeated and empty for the most part.

 

"We'll talk more about it tomorrow, sweetie.” She reached over to push Yuzu’s blonde hair behind her ear, hand lingering to caress her daughter’s smooth cheek. The easy smile on her lips never faltered and she was careful to keep her brow relaxed.

 

“Hey Mama--” The sudden firmness of her voice startled Ume and she found herself holding her breath for what seemed a endless time as her daughter’s looked directly at her, her eyes animated by a spark that was as welcome as it was promising.

 

“What is it, Yuzu?” She asked once the silence stretched to dampen her enthusiasm while the resolve in Yuzu’s eyes dissolved to leave her gaze unfocused again. Ume stared powerless as Yuzu slipped away to pensively chew on her lower lip.

 

“...Thank you for the tea.”  She said at last, giving her a tired smile before moving to collect her cup and stand up.

 

"I'll take care of it, sweetie.” Ume reached over, promptly stopping her from cleaning the table. She gave her a long look and gently squeezed her cold hand before offering her an easy smile.

 

“Sleep tight, darling.”

 

Yuzu thanked her with a measure of shyness before retreating for the night, leaving Ume alone with her troubled mind.

 

The darkness of the kitchen soon closed on her as the happiness she felt over Mei’s return grew agitated by the concern Yuzu’s reaction had filled her with. She set to analyze the situation from different perspectives but in the end, no matter the angle, she could not unravel the riddle that Yuzu had presented her with.

 

A loud sigh fled her lips, it was not a sound she would ever allow her children to hear but in the solitude of the moment, she finally allowed her concern to break the surface.

 

Some people claimed to be able to tell the future by looking at the leaves of tea, she reflected while tracing the rim of her no longer steaming cup with her fingertip. Ume doubted such feats to be possible. Regardless, there would be little gain in knowing the future since it was the present that eluded her at the moment.

 

This puzzle missed more than a few pieces.

 

She grimaced, another expression saved for her moments of solitude, and forced herself to finish her lukewarm tea in two long sips. It felt surprisingly bitter on her tongue, the taste marred by the sudden guilt flooding her as she came to the frightening realisation that she had, once again, taken Yuzu for granted. It was a mistake she was prone to making as her oldest child had never failed to support her in the past - No matter how dark the day would get, she would light it up for her Mama.

 

Ume took care to smother the tea mat with extreme zeal before carefully placing the empty cup on it, trying to center it exactly in the middle. She sat motionless for a long moment then, her slow breathing the only sound. She nodded to herself slowly before finally resolving to clean the table and prepare for the night.

 

Everything as it should be.

 

* * *

 

 

#### Echoes

 

Mei sipped at her freshly-poured tea and found herself getting increasingly lost in her mother’s words. Aihara Ume was a woman who spoke with such enthusiasm and sincerity that it was easy to get swept up in the torrent of energy. As was her wont, she had insisted that the pair share a pot of tea after she had collected her daughter from the home of the Aihara patriarch.

 

Yet deep in Mei’s heart, she knew that her mother’s enthralling patter was not the reason for her inability to focus on anything beyond the curved boundaries of the warm teacup. She was home. The thing that she had desired so strongly was now back within her grasp but somehow, things were not quite as she remembered them being.

 

“...And speaking of your Papa, he said he might be able to come home in a few weeks to visit us - Isn’t that wonderful, Mei-chan?” Ume asked with those wide eyes that would so often appear when she spoke of her husband.

 

“Yes.” She had not seen the man in months and had only exchanged a few emails in that same period.

 

Mei shifted in her seat slightly as her mother paired a wide smile with an expectant gaze. She took another sip, allowing her lips to rest in the warm liquid for a few seconds as though that small time extension would allow her to prepare a more satisfactory response. She was certain that mother understood that she still had difficulty unravelling her feelings towards the man she had admired and antipathised at varying points in her life.

 

“Yuzu and I will have to come up with something special for the four of us to eat.” Ume mused.

 

Her words had broken the awkward stalemate but Mei found no reprieve in her mother’s voice. She spoke that name; The name that had seldom left her mind for much of her high school life. To hear someone else speak it forced her to take a perspective that she had spent so long trying to suppress.

 

Yet despite her efforts, Yuzu had embedded herself in Mei’s psyche.

 

“Are you okay, Mei-chan?” Ume asked, snapping Mei back to reality.

 

“Yes, mother. As I am sure you know, it is a busy period at the moment: Exam preparation, student council business and those wedding arrangements.” Mei’s response was instinctive and drew upon her belief that her mother would not pry too much, unlike Himeko or, heaven forbid, Mizusawa-san

 

“Of course. Yuzu has been studying so hard. Your Mama is so proud of both of you!” Ume exclaimed before slowly rising out of her seat. “...But your Mama also needs to get ready for work. We can talk more later.”

 

As soon as her mother was out of sight, Mei found herself tugging at her collar. The elegant metal band that hung from her necklace had never felt as heavy as it did now and brought with it a dull ache that been as omnipresent as her own shadow. Perhaps, Mei thought to herself, this was only fair. She had caused the pair of them nothing but trouble with her selfishness and now she found herself seeking their comforting presence once again.

 

She resisted the urge to touch it and contented herself with the feeling of the ring hidden beneath her white school shirt, the cold metal like a needle on her chest. Like her, it remained the same even as everyone surrounding her seemed to be in a constant state of change.

 

“Don’t worry about unpacking today, Mei-chan.” Ume returned to the room, now wearing her overalls and carrying a hard hat and hi-vis vest. “Just relax and get a good night’s sleep for your test tomorrow.”

 

Mei pursed her lips. There was no exam tomorrow and she was certain that Yuzu knew that too. So why lie to her mother? It was a question to be answered another time and she decided to remain aloof on the subject for the moment.

 

“Thank you for today, mother.” Mei stood and bowed deeply to her as Ume laced up her boots.

 

“You’re always welcome here, Mei-chan.” Ume smiled. “I’ll try to be back in the morning before you leave for school.”

 

They exchanged goodbyes and Mei then found herself alone in the apartment, now illuminated in a warm golden light as the sun began to set over Tokyo. Her first order of business was to let out a deep sigh. She was truly thankful for her mother’s assistance and her questions were perfectly justified, though it was only in private that Mei felt that she could truly be herself. The notion of remaining unseen until the end of her days was an oddly appealing one in that moment.

 

She then began to pace about their living area with catlike steps, setting her eyes on every detail, committing every aspect to memory so that they would not escape her again. Things were largely the same, which only served to magnify the small changes that had been made in her absence.

 

Kumagorou, the large teddy bear gifted to her by her father, was no longer sat at the end of the dining table. She could not bear to bring him with her when she left and now, she found herself longing to see the oversized stuffed toy once again.

 

_Have I ever really changed?_

 

She pondered the question. After all that had happened, she still found herself standing alone and pining for a child’s plaything.

 

She next walked over to the kitchen area and took stock of the photographs stuck to the fridge. There were fewer than she remembered but the awkward and not-quite-straight cutting of the bulky photo paper was still her mother’s unmistakable signature. The images themselves were relatively unremarkable: An old photo of her father in Kenya, a snap of her mother raising a glass of beer and finally, a picture of her and Yuzu in their uniforms, taken on the first day of their second year in school.

 

They had not long been dating then and Mei felt a ping of nostalgia as she recalled the morning the picture was taken. Yuzu was always one to strike a pose when set upon by a lens and this was no exception.

 

Still, she could not ignore the fact that there used to be far more photographs dotting about the fridge, including more of herself and Yuzu. A wave of guilt washed over her as she considered what it must have felt like for Yuzu to be reminded of what they had shared every single morning and every single evening. Hoping for a clean break had always been wishful thinking and she could not blame them for wanting to hide certain memories away, just as she had tried and failed to do.

 

Her slippers lightly flapped against the soles of her feet as she moved towards Yuzu’s bedroom. Their bedroom. There was no putting it off any longer and she paused for a moment at the door before pulling down on the handle. It creaked open and the light from the hallway spilled into the darkened room, the door casting a shadow over one half of the double bed, still sat against the wall, just as it had always been.

 

In one elegant move, she reached out and pressed the light switch without needing to look; That too was exactly where she remembered it being. It was there that she reached the boundaries of familiarity though. Mei remained standing in the doorway and observed her surroundings closely; The furnishings remained the same but sat in different positions to what she remembered.

 

She stepped forward and closed the door behind her. The floor-to-ceiling bookshelf, once half-lined with kitschy trinkets that Yuzu often frittered her money away on, was now neatly organised with bulky textbooks, many of which she could find in her own collection back at Grandfather’s home. Yuzu’s strange assortment of manga had grown little since Mei last saw it but it still filled an entire shelf, two deep with fiction - romance, mostly. She reached forward and pushed the spines of the slender volumes against the back of the shelving unit and disappointingly, the spines all remained level once they could be pushed no further. The notebook that Yuzu had once scrawled date plans in was no longer hidden behind them.

 

Her eyes moved over to the desk, where several more textbooks sat open, fluorescent sticky notes poking out from the pages with little comments made through studying. Even when they worked together, Mei had never known Yuzu to be so organised in her studies.

 

The guilt that had been lingering deep inside her grew stronger. Perhaps she had been the one holding Yuzu back while she fretted over her own selfish goals. She recalled the sincerity of her stepsister’s words as she vowed to study hard so that they could enroll in the same college and soon, a not insignificant amount of pride seeped into those feelings of guilt. Her lips twitched but she held back the smile as she remembered how Yuzu could become unstoppable once she set her mind on something.

 

She stepped across to the vanity unit on the other side of the bookcase. The small stool had been tucked beneath the counter, upon which sat only a few tubes and bottles of various beauty products. It was hardly the typical arsenal of makeup that Yuzu would meticulously apply to herself every morning, often while chatting enthusiastically about whatever was on her mind.

 

Next, she pivoted on one foot and looked towards the hulking double bed, a testament to their mother’s penchant for excess. Even with two people lying on it, there would still be a great mass of open space on the soft mattress and yet, there was but a solitary pillow on the left side of the bed, closest to the window.

 

_Does she sleep like this every night?_

 

Yuzu was always a writhing mass of slender limbs when she rested and yet she had seemingly kept to what had been her half of the bed even in the months that she had the whole thing to herself. The guilt grew larger again.

 

Everywhere she looked, she found herself instinctively summoning those precious memories from when every day brought with it so much fun and adventure. Now, that happiness had been replaced almost completely by a dangerous cocktail of pain and shame. Mei found herself in sudden need of a shower, if only to temporarily remove herself from that room.

 

Mei soon found herself trying to find ways to extend her time spent bathing, feeling quietly jealous of how mother and Yuzu would so often occupy the bathroom for hours on end. It was no use though; She could not bring herself to waste the water. She quickly found herself drying off with a towel before putting on her nightwear and stepping back into her slippers.

 

A lazy yawn soon crept up on Mei, gently reminding her that it had indeed been a tiring day. Of this, she was certain that she was partially to blame, having refused the offers of grandfather’s maids to help her pack her belongings. The man himself had said very little to her since she had informed him of her intentions and in some ways, that was worse than the scolding she had been expected to receive. He seemed weary, perhaps exasperated by his troublesome son and granddaughter.

 

She then returned to the bedroom and briskly set about preparing for bed, reasoning that the memories surrounding her might be more bearable if it was too dark to see anything.

 

It was still not completely dark outside as the final flames of the sun burned defiantly over the horizon, prompting Mei to glance at the teddy bear-themed clock that sat above the large double bed. The small hand lingered around 4 o’clock and it was then that she realised that the second hand was not moving. Yuzu had likely not bothered to replace the batteries as she always preferred to use the alarm on her phone anyway. After a few failed attempts to locate it, Mei set the alarm on her own seldom-used phone too, resolving to get the alarm clock working again as soon as possible. Even if it was broken, mother would surely know how to fix it.

 

After retrieving a pillow, Mei paced back to the bed and pulled back the covers. Just as she was about to lie down, she caught a faint whiff of a familiar fragrance. Yuzu regularly changed her perfumes and Mei had felt a small amount of pride of having committed them all to her memory. The bed suddenly no longer felt comfortable, as though she were disturbing something that should be left alone.

 

With a sigh, Mei walked back to the cupboard where she had found the pillow and unrolled a futon across the floor next to the bed.

 

The padding of the futon offered only limited protection from the hard floor and did not lie completely flat on account of having been rolled up and stowed away in the cupboard for an indeterminate period of time. Still, Mei found it far more comfortable than the bed that towered beside her, blocking out whatever remained of the rays of the sun, hastening the arrival of the nighttime darkness that she had been seeking.

 

Sleep did not come quickly. Yuzu would not stay away from home forever and Mei had planned to resume attending school every day. There was little use in running away, as much as the voice in the back of her mind tried to coax her back to Grandfather’s home. She needed to speak to Yuzu; She owed her at least that much. For Mei, there was nothing she desired more than a return to normality and normality could only be found here, with Yuzu at her side. It was more than she felt she deserved but she had gotten a taste of the alternative and knew that she had to at least try.

 

Tomorrow was sure to be another tiring day.

 

* * *

 

 

#### Eclipse

 

Harumi Taniguchi took her _stealth gyaru_ lifestyle to heart. Scattered about her room were new pop and hip-hop CDs, makeup bags and racks of flashy clothes for every occasion. To the uninformed observer, the disarray was emblematic of an ill-disciplined teen but Yuzu knew better: Almost everything that Harumin had pulled from her closet could just as easily be stowed back in there, her whole lifestyle hidden away behind a thin screen door, the room as neat and tidy as one would expect from a student of the illustrious Aihara Academy.

 

Still, Yuzu could not even begin to guess how the leopard print screen that Harumin had bought in Harajaku managed to not look out of place in her friend's traditional room, or any other room for that matter.

 

She had been with her when her friend had proudly carried it back, holding it under her arm, at the end of a relatively uneventful shopping day. She would stop every now and then and set it straight on the ground to look at it in mute admiration, perhaps believing it would go well with the dark green panels of her room and the similarly-coloured tatami flooring.

 

The screen had been placed in the middle of the room, obscuring Harumin’s closet and the girl herself as she changed clothes behind it. It was supposed to be an exercise in finding unneeded clothes to throw away but it had gone poorly so far. The lack of closet space was a gyaru true enemy. Sometimes it was necessary to part with things, if only to make room for new ones, but asking Harumin to part with her clothes was akin to asking a singer to part with their tongue.

 

They had been going through the closet for more than a hour, perhaps almost two; Yuzu could not determine the passing of time very well these days as she would often get lost in her thoughts, time slowing down and speeding up considerably as she pondered all sorts of questions.

 

Regardless, Harumin seemed to be taking her sweet time with her current change which lead Yuzu to gaze at her slice of cake with predatory eyes. The culinary beauty had been placed on a blue square plate, waves of cream covering the golden dough and a huge strawberry sitting at the end of the slice completed the oeuvre.

 

The books piled on the low lying table had remained firmly shut as they chatted, Harumin providing the lion’s share of the talking as she discussed various clothing combinations. Yuzu had prepared a study schedule for the occasion as to prevent their time together to turn into a pure leisurely affair but she could not bring herself to push the issue. If she were to be honest though, she was willingly procrastinating as the fun activities prevented her mind from drifting to complicated issues.

 

“Hey, Harumin…” Yuzu called, straightening her loose lotus position before leaning over to take the small silver spoon, sitting beside her cake. “Mind if I start?” She asked, twirling the spoon between deft fingers. The question was a rhetorical one but she would not start without an answer. Any answer.

 

“Sure! What are you waiting for, anyway? Dig in!” Her reply became muffled halfway and Yuzu pictured Harumin getting stuck always into a shirt. She attempted to smile at the thought and finally broke the spongy surface with her spoon.

 

"Mmmm” She hummed with pleasure, taking the time to slowly chew her latest masterpiece. It was made of waffles stacked onto each other and mixed with cookie crumbs. The rich texture was complemented perfectly by abundant layers of cream. It was beyond delicious.

 

_Mei would like it._

 

Shock, a shot of electricity running through her. She swallowed hastily, reaching for her cup of green tea while desperately fighting to shut her mind: pink lips, purple eyes, long lashes, blushing cheeks, strict brow, hair so dark and skin so soft.

 

For as much as she tried to barricade herself, her thoughts would always find their way back to her. As the tea went through her suddenly constricted throat, Yuzu broke into a coughing fit. She tried to dispel it by slightly tapping her chest with her fist while Harumin's concerned voice rung in her ears. Once her breathing resumed its regular pattern, she wasted no time in flashing a awkward smile in Harumin’s direction as her friend emerged from behind the screen.

 

"I forgot to chew, hehe." She said attempting to look cute, rubbing her head in embarrassment.

 

"Don't scare me like that, Yuzucchi." Harumin wriggled a finger at her in a scolding fashion but all too soon her worried face was replaced by her photogenic one as she struck pose after pose, finally stopping to flash a peace sign with a hand resting flat on her jutted out hip, elbow forming a angle. She remained motionless, waiting for Yuzu’s verdict.

 

"Mmmhmm." Yuzu hummed. "Okay, now stand like a normal person." She instructed, raising a finger much like a teacher would.

 

“Ouch!” Harumin protested, bringing both hands to her chest as if she had just been shot. Nonetheless, she grudgingly complied.

 

Yuzu ignored her friend’s antics and proceed to attentively examine Harumin’s outfit: A pair of skinny jeans paired with a white belt sporting a huge golden buckle and a satin blue coloured varsity jacket with white sleeves. It made for a very cute ensemble and she fully approved of it, until Harumin unzipped her jacket, revealing her shirt of choice. Yuzu narrowed her eyes. She was not even sure the garment could be called a shirt as it was a shapeless blue and white striped mess with a jagged neckline.

 

"The shirt has to go.” Yuzu declared with certainty, crossing her arms on her chest and nodding once. There was no room for discussion there.

 

"I knew it!" Harumin was quick to agree, which did not surprise Yuzu as her friend held her fashion sense in high regard.

 

"How did it end in my bag?"  Harumin pondered out loud, rubbing her chin in thinking fashion. She took hold of the hem of her shirt and stretched it outward to look at it disapprovingly, her trim waist visible as she tugged at the garment.

 

"Terrible things happen when I go shopping alone, Yuzucchi!" She protested in mock desperation, putting both hands in her hair to enhance the drama, showing Yuzu the rare sight of her hairline.

 

"Sorry, sorry!" Yuzu grimaced, rubbing the back of her head. She felt quite sympathetic toward her friends as going shopping alone was not as pleasant as the alternative.

 

"...I have a lot to study and I'm quite slow." She continued with a shrug, before scooping another spoonful of cake into her mouth.

 

She had to keep herself engaged, hold her senses captive as she could not slip in front of Harumin. It would not be fair to spill her sadness into her friend's life.

 

"Well..." Harumin took off her varsity jacket, dropping it on the small mountain of clothes that had formed by her side with little care. She joined Yuzu at the low-lying table and let herself fall on the tatami with little grace.

 

"I can't really complain as it was for a good cause, Miss Top 50." She winked at Yuzu and gave her a thumb up gesture before flashing her a brilliant smile.

 

Yuzu felt a veil of heat spread under her cheeks and she focused her eyes on the table, waiting for her blush to subside. Being a top student was not something she would ever get used to, yet she could not deny the warmth feeling of pride that flooded her chest whenever her Mama praised her for her high grades.

 

"That’s amazing!”

 

She almost jumped as Harumin yelped her appreciation for her cake. She watched her friend with wide eyes as she voraciously consumed spoonful after spoonful, until half of her portion was gone. She hummed in bliss before flashing Yuzu a victory sign.

 

"You have to give the recipe to sis!" She declared after swallowing yet another spoonful, her lips flecked with bits of cream.

 

"Huh?" Surely, she had not heard correctly.

 

"She joined a baking class with Maruta-senpai!” Harumin explained with a shrug, acting as if there was nothing bizarre about the situation.

 

It had probably been Maruta’s idea; Yuzu could hardly imagine the oldest Taniguchi sibling wearing an apron but then again, people were full of surprises. The apron wearing Taniguchi-san in her mind dissolved as her phone chimed with a message alert.

 

She felt herself going frantic at the sound but tried to dissimulate her struggle, even though Harumi’s eyes could hardly be fooled. Her heart thundered in her chest and a sudden chill set itself upon her back. It could be her Mama texting, perhaps asking her to come home; Maybe there had been an emergency, maybe Mei had changed her mind.

 

When she had informed her that she was going to spend the night at Harumin’s, her mother had not questioned her, she had simply offered her a soft smile and a nod. Her sweet understanding had prompted Yuzu to tell her that they had a test tomorrow and she and Harumin needed to prepare for it.

 

She had been begging her mobile to remain silent today and had spent the last hours dreading this very moment, so much so, that she did not dare to lower her eyes to the table where her mobile was. Harumin was not one to pry and she would ask no questions if Yuzu where to shut her phone off without looking at it.

 

"Don't read it!" The stalemate was broken by Harumin’s urgent voice. She sounded highly alarmed as well.

 

Her reaction prompted Yuzu to look at last. She was flooded with relief at once and let out a small giggle. The name flashing on the flat screen of her phone was Matsuri’s.

 

“She wants to know if I’m here.” Yuzu announced to the room, receiving a groan in response.

 

“Tell her that you're in Shibuya!” From under her fringe, Harumin was pouting pitifully, much like a puppy would.

 

"...Please, Yuzucchi!" She pleaded, clasping her hands in front of her. "Sis looked like she was about to explode the last time Matsuri was here.”

 

By this point, Harumin sounded as if she was talking of a matter of national security, which was not too wide of the mark.

 

“Alright.” Yuzu was quick to agree, it was better to keep Matsuri away from Harumin’s older sister. The two caught fire way too easily in each other’s presence.

 

Besides, Yuzu was too frail today. She could not withstand Matsuri’s sharp inquisitive eyes, nor the veiled implications laced to some of her words. Once the text was sent, she eyed the books resting on the table meaningfully, prompting Harumin to curl into a ball on the floor, pleading for mercy since their next test was two weeks away.

 

However, no amount of pleading was able to sway Yuzu and soon enough, a pouting Harumin had to concede. Once the decision was made, Yuzu was treated with the amazing spectacle that was Harumin tidying up her room. For once, she trusted Yuzu to help her and allowed her to fold the garments that she had been trying on.

 

As instructed, Yuzu made them as small as possible, folding them with a precision usually only employed in the art of origami. Such meticulousness was necessary as Harumin had engineered her room to completely conceal her gyaru-self and each and every one of her clothes had to occupy a designated place in her closet for the vanishing act to be possible.

 

It did not take them long to complete the task and all too soon, Harumin’s room went back to its traditional look, leaving the pair sitting at the classic low-lying table, books open all around them.

 

The cake was long gone; All that remained were the cups of green tea and the dark teapot sitting on a warmer made of iron and bamboo. They looked like the very picture of diligent students.

 

Harumin, now in a perfect seiza position, sipped at her tea elegantly, holding it in one hand while the other supported the bottom of the cup. Yuzu lifted a doubtful eyebrow at the sight, on any other day she would have giggled at her friend’s antics or would have joined her in the play.

 

“Aihara-san…” Harumin started in a high-pitched and haughty tone before a snort forced her to drop the act.

 

“I can’t do it.” She broke into a smile and placed the cup on its coaster before rearranging herself in a more comfortable cross-legged position. After that, to Yuzu’s great relief, she reached for her pen and notebook.

 

Yuzu had to regretfully admit that studying had been a mistake. The flaw in her plan was revealed immediately as even hearing the soft scribbling of Harumin’s pen clenched her throat painfully. She had grown accustomed to studying by herself during the last few months and the current situation brought memories to the surface, memories she did not know how to deal with.

 

She tried to focus on reading the text in front of her but all she saw was Mei sitting beside her and as was always the case, her eyes lingered on the slender slope of her elegant neck as Mei leaned forward to write her notes. Yuzu was under siege and soon lost herself to the past as Mei pushed back a capricious lock of dark hair behind her ear, revealing the soft paleness of her smooth cheek.

 

“I got you!” Harumin thundered without warning, causing Yuzu to jump, hands raising to grab a handful of her own shirt.

 

“”Wh---” She gasped, finding herself almost face to face with Harumin as her friend had leaned across the table.

 

“You’re spacing out, Yuzucchi!” Her friend flashed her a victorious grin, wiggling her eyebrows gleefully and Yuzu finally took notice of the fact that Harumin’s hand was splayed over her schoolbook obscuring the text.

 

“Sorry, I...” She said, feeling a terrible cold seep into her heart. She concentrated on her breathing and returned her attention to the book as soon as Harumin freed it. Silence stretched for a few long moments as the scribbling of Yuzu’s pen became the only sound.

 

“Hey, Yuzucchi.” She lifted her eyes from the book to look at her friend; She was smiling delicately but Yuzu did not miss the hint of concern eyes.

 

“What’s on your mind?” Harumin asked at last, propping one elbow on the table to rest her chin in the cradle of her hand.

 

"I don't know.” She paused to rub her face with one hand before continuing in a rather small voice. “I guess it's all pretty hectic at the moment. I'm probably just tired."

 

She spoke no lie as the confusion in her head was irrefutable. She had been in the throes of anxiety for the last few days, afflicted by questions that might have no answer. And scared. She had been so very scared. Her fear had reached its apex this morning, forcing her to hide at Harumin’s and delay her meeting with Mei.

 

_What if I can never face her?_

 

On top of that, the lack of sleep she had been suffering through had added dull bouts of headaches to her tiredness.

 

“Well…” Harumin smiled kindly before continuing in her most reassuring voice. “I’m sure that it will get better soon.”

 

Her light brown eyes were warm with understanding and she might have figured the source of Yuzu’s anxiety as well but she was not one to press for answers. It was a very comforting quality of hers, one that never failed to put Yuzu at ease as if she were to be forced to play at a rhythm that was not her own, she might just shatter.

 

“...yeah.” She replied lamely, forcing herself to smile. Her lips refused to curl in spite of her best efforts. Regardless, she knew that Harumin did not mind.

 

Yuzu never used to have trouble with sleeping. As a matter of fact, she used to fall asleep the moment her head touched the pillow, a trait that she shared with her Mama. Then she met Mei and everything changed. A skilled thief, Mei stole her sleep by stealing her first kiss and then she proceeded to take her heart as well.

 

So there she lay, unable to sleep and still missing a heart.

 

By her side, Harumin slept soundly in her own futon. Yuzu could make out the outline of her silhouette, her chest falling and rising as she breathed evenly. She had only recently discovered what a peculiar kind of sleeper Harumin was; She would alternate between extremely peaceful bouts of sleep and incredibly agitated ones. The latter would have her sleep-talk and gesticulate as if in the middle of very passionate conversation.

 

She seemed to have calmed down, for the moment at least. Not too long ago, Yuzu had clearly heard her mumble the words “Matsuri”, “sis” and “frog” at least three times each. She had no desire of ever finding out what her friend had been dreaming about.

 

In the past, Yuzu had simply slept through her friend’s antics but things were different now and she had been staring at the dark ceiling for what seemed like an eternity, too fearful to check the actual time on her phone. She did not wish to know how long she had spent thinking about Mei.

 

It was already difficult to keep Mei out of her mind during the day but once darkness fell, she could only declare utter defeat. There was no point in chasing Mei out of her mind, not anymore. They were going to live under the same roof again. Even more so, they were going to share the same room and sleep in the same bed. Anxiety shot through Yuzu at the thought and she found herself struggling to keep her breathe evenly.

 

There was however a bout of happiness mixed in with the fear and anxiety. She had tried to silence it with reason; Mei’s actions made little sense to her and trying to decipher them while driven by hope could lead to even more pain.

 

She huffed into the darkness before taking a deep breath, filling her lungs with air and releasing it with a long exhale. One breath. Two breaths. Three breaths. She had to fall asleep.

 

Her mind had different plans thought. Yuzu found herself returning to that memory once again, as she so often did during those late hours. She had just returned home from school and was thinking about what Mei and Mama might like for dinner. Then, she found the notebook that she and Mei had shared resting on her pillow and excitedly opened it, hoping to find a cute date idea or maybe even a love letter.

 

The kiss they had shared that final morning had been a simple one; it hardly seemed like a special memory to be cherished at the time. Mei seemed distant, perhaps more so than usual but not enough to cause alarm. Yuzu rolled over, covering her eyes as they began to well up. Were the warning signs there? Was there something she could have done differently? Had she truly just been getting in Mei's way?

 

Her trembling chin and the sudden constriction in her throat betrayed her true feelings; the impossibility to deceive herself lead her to feel ensnared and all too soon the light duvet covering her body became suffocating. She decided that it would be safer to leave her futon as she had been holding back her anguish for far too long and it seemed to have finally caught up with her. The sobs that she held captive in her chest were pushing to break free and she could not risk waking Harumin up. Even Harumin would not remain silent if she saw her crying.

 

She slid out of the futon easily, taking a sideways motion that left the covers untouched, and set to navigate through the semi-darkness with the aid of her phone. The balcony was her destination. She was feeling terribly hot all of a sudden and even better, the balcony was on the other side of the room. If she were to cry, that would be the best spot.

 

She crawled her way around the low lying table, the tatami covering the floor made for a soft yet scratchy surface against her bare feet, allowing her to move around soundlessly. Finally, a loud thud broke the precariously maintained silence when her foot kicked the table inadvertently and she darted her eyes toward Harumin’s form in alarm. A long moment passed and Yuzu only released the breath that she had been holding once it appeared clear that the slumbering Taniguchi had not been disturbed.

 

On a whim, she pulled up the hood of her pajama top, perhaps in a senseless bid to be more discrete before she resumed her journey toward the balcony.

 

Once she reached the heavily decorated curtains, she carefully lifted a side of them and slipped inside to sit with her side against the cool glass of the balcony window. She brought her knees to her chest and hugged them tightly with her arms, wishing to become as small as possible. A chill, that had nothing to do with the temperature, seized her while she wiped at her eyes in stilted annoyance. Why was she even crying?

 

The answer to such question could not be confined to a single reason. It was not that simple, as was always the case when Mei was involved. A wet chuckle escaped her lips at the thought, she did not resent it as it seemed fitting to laugh at her predicament, as fitting as tasting the saltiness of her tears on smiling lips.

 

Mei was coming home. No, Mei was at home.

 

The thought caused her a sudden moment of dizziness and she clutched at her ring without meaning to. Her hold was a desperate one and soon enough, the metal band bit its circular shape into her skin. She sighed, relaxing her hand, knowing that if she were to look, she would find a slightly rouge circle on her palm, like a love bite.

 

Shaking her head as if to clear her mind, she proceeded to unclasp the chain around her neck, freeing the ring from it for the first time since the day Mei left. She held the band in front of her with suddenly trembling fingers and the pain that had taken permanent residence in her chest sharpened at the sight, growing spikes that pierced her heart.

 

 _Why did you accept the ring, Mei?_ She wondered, looking through the empty circle.

 

A surge of bitterness darkened her mind at the question because even then Mei must have had at least an inkling. She must have known what her Grandfather had planned and what accepting her love meant.

 

She blinked furiously in a vain attempt to hold her tears back. However when the droplets fell, it was not because of bitterness. Bitterness had been swept away in less than a heartbeat by the memory of putting the ring on Mei’s finger.

 

She had found herself in the combined grip of nervousness and euphoria while her thundering heart pounded loudly in her head and made her felt dizzy. She had had to focus on her every move as the trembling within her limbs threatened to steal her motor skills at any second.

 

There had been only happiness then. Only Mei.

 

A shudder in her shoulders and the constriction in her throat was released in the quivering of her chin. She clutched at her ring again with merciless intensity. Still, there was no escape as the moment her eyes closed, she went back to Mei.

 

They were in the middle of a road painted by the rich colors of autumn, on their way home. Then, without warning, Mei had stopped, calling for her attention and stubbornly willing herself to speak her love for her. She had appeared so frail then, almost breaking in her efforts to declare herself. She had to stop her on the spot as no love confession should be so stressful. Moreover, there was no rush as she was going to stay by Mei’s side forever. That was what she had thought.

 

A smile, feeble and melancholic, found its way on Yuzu’s lips then. A suspicion had been pulling at her mind as of late, one that was as sweet as it was sorrowful and contemplated the possibility that their time together had been the only freedom that Mei had ever conceded herself.

 

Yet, as glad as she was about having being part of Mei’s brief season of happiness, she could not say how she felt about her now. That was a lie though and Yuzu knew it. There was not denying her feelings for Mei as even now her love persisted. She expected it would remain that way until the end of her days.

 

As indisputable as such fact was, the crux of the matter was a far more complex one and acknowledging the truth of her feelings only complicated it further. She was in pieces at the moment and no matter how many shards of her felt a particular way, there were just as many that felt differently.

 

A sudden itch led her to scratch her nose and she followed the action by rubbing her face energetically, perhaps if she rubbed long enough the fog in her mind would clear as well. Somehow, her senseless ploy yielded her a measure of clarity and she realized what her first step had to be.

 

She had to put herself together, stitch herself together, glue herself together even!

 

A determined look crossed her face at the thought, it lasted but a moment but it led her to swipe her hood back in a single swift movement that left her staring at her own reflection. The image was neither sharp nor limpid as the glass was unlike any mirror, however the lack of accuracy and the ephemeral transparency of it made it a far more fitting rendition of how she felt at the moment.

 

If she wanted to put herself together, she had to face Mei.

 

As soon as possible! Her mind dictated her goal, yielding no room for compromise.

 

Excitement, fear, resolution, anxiety, uncertainty, euphoria; From one beat of her heart to the next, she went from one emotion to the other, losing any lingering sense of unity in the whirlwind of feelings.

 

She had to face her. Her mind reiterated, stubbornly wishing to steel her resolve.

 

After nodding to her watery reflection, Yuzu took the deepest of breaths, filling her lungs with air and the rest of her with determination. She released both in a long sigh that seemed never-ending.

 

“Mmm.” A thoughtful hum led her to clumsily wipe her tear-streaked face with one sleeve of her hoodie. She relaxed then and leaned back to rest her forearms on her bent knees and to thread her fingers together.

 

She thought it wiser to avoid thinking too deeply about the fact that somehow, at some point, between taking it off the chain and clutching at it, her finger had slipped into her ring. The feeling of the metal circling her skin like shackles quickened her heartbeat in a way that was painfully familiar.

 

Another sigh, another contradiction within her heart and she tilted her head back to stare at the sky. Her eyes were immediately captured by the full Moon and she found herself staring at her pale glow in mute admiration. No matter how beautiful she was, she must surely feel lonely in the starless sky of Tokyo.


	2. To Fear Love

#### Walking to

 

Yuzu was making her way towards the Academy at a measured pace.

 

By her side, Harumin slogged along; the grumpy expression on her face made for a comic sight. Despite the efforts of her older sister and her grandmother, she knew that her friend would never be a morning person. Yuzu had become an early riser out of necessity, her make-up routine required the proper amount of time since she would never allow for it to be anything but perfect.

 

Once walking to school with her stepsister became customary, she came to be an even earlier riser. The thought had her shake her head to clear her mind. Souring her mood with memories was the last thing she needed.

 

Yuzu felt different today. Her feet no longer dragged and she did not have to fight gravity to keep her back straight. A small revolution had happened within her and the day felt full of promise. She decided to not think too deeply about what had changed though and resolved to simply savour the moment. She had spent months feeling miserable and wearing a mask of cheerfulness around her loved ones had sapped all of her strength.

 

As she had always tried to be honest with herself and had no trouble admitting that part of her had not wanted to let go of the pain, so much so that if a rare smile happened to curl her lips she would feel almost guilty for betraying her heart. Her contrasting feelings had been waging a constant war on each other and she had been torn. Being pulled in so many different directions was exhausting.

 

The last few days had been the worst. After learning that Mei was to come home within a week, she would feel anxious and doubtful one minute and the next she would be hopeful and unreasonably cheerful. No mood lasted long enough for her to get a grip on it.

 

Her next steps were not as certain. Her heartbeat suddenly picked up at the thought of gazing into those purple eyes again. To allow words to remain unspoken was simply not part of who she was and denying her very nature had been the hardest part of this ordeal. Now that she had made a choice she felt more like herself.

 

Still, the situation was far from easy and no matter how much courage she had mustered, she could not predict what she would feel upon seeing her. Her eyes had been longing for her for far too long, they would even trick her on occasion as every flash of long dark hair would be her, if only for an instant at least.

 

From today she would have to learn to look away if necessary.

 

She sighed without meaning to, a hushed whisper escaping her lips. It was not a sound of sorrow nor defeat, just acknowledgement. Her life was about to change once again and she had no clue what such a change would bring.

 

She stole a look at Harumin then; the pout that she was sporting on her face was as childish as it was adorable. A pout as such was unlikely to ever grace the face of a student of the prestigious Aihara Academy but Harumin had no need to play a part around her. She felt the sudden impulse to tease her friend but wisely held her lips. It was better not to intrude on Harumin's morose spell for she would break out of it at her own time.

 

Besides, Yuzu did not mind the silence and was not fretting to break it. There was a measure of solace to be found within this silence and now that something akin to resolution was guiding her actions, silence felt almost like a necessary preparatory step. She found herself recalling a dull history class about how the samurai would often meditate before battle. Mei probably knew more about it than she did though.

 

As she thought so, she tried to ignore her growing anxiety.

 

A fluttering that was far from pleasant set in her stomach then and her next steps became faltering ones. The fluttering had soon turned into a vice  Her hand flew to the strap of her bag, fingers picking fretfully at the leather ridges running along the seams. Focusing on the tactile sensation helped her somehow.

 

Yuzu did not know what she was going to say to her. She did not have a single clue.

 

She had often imagined herself chasing after the younger girl, taking her back from that cold mansion after delivering a breathtaking speech. The scenarios were many but they always ended with the two of them walking away together. Fantasies meant to soothe her heart while her tears dried on her face. 

 

She knew that she could never do it. Mei had been clear in her letter and Yuzu had set her heart to respect her wish. It was the greatest act of love she could gift her. A sentence to serve but one served with begrudging willingness.

 

At that moment, she could not recall any of the speeches that she had created in her daydreaming hours and whenever she tried to form a discourse in her mind, the words would dissolve as soon as they had formed. It felt fitting to fly blind somehow.  There was no sentence to prepare, no speech to rehearse, no plan to enact. There was just her; her doubt, her fears and her willingness. Besides she had never been one for planning.

 

A sudden tension furrowed her brow and she willed it to relax by inhaling deeply. She filled herself with the scent of the blooming sakura trees and tasted a sweetness that both carried Spring and heralded the coming of Summer.

 

Summer had always been Yuzu’s favourite season by far, especially last Summer, a Summer of love filled with dreams and promises. The promises had been broken by Autumn, along with her heart and her dreams had proven to be nothing but foolish fantasies.

 

Her free hand flew at the base of her neck on its own volition. It was a gesture she had little control over. The ring lay nestled into the hollow of her neck, her skin had become so used to its circular shape that she would feel naked without it. She had never contemplated taking it off and if asked she would not be able to explain the reason why. It was not something that could be explained by words.

 

It was quite fitting as well, as whenever the younger girl was involved her usual clarity would disappear. She always had the uncanny ability to rob her of any sort of balance. Yuzu had learned what confusion was from her.

 

A lonely pebble in her path invited a kick, she regretted the childish gesture immediately as it left a spot of white dust on the tip of her shoe but fortunately, the student council had learned to pay little attention to her. Perhaps, with Matsuri around, they had no time to spare on anybody else.

 

A smile almost found its way to her lips at the thought of what face Momokino-san must have made upon learning about Matsuri joining the Academy. The image of her hair going flat at the very news finally won a smile out of Yuzu. Albeit a very small one.

 

“Say, Yuzucchi.” Harumin bumped shoulders with her playfully, shedding her early morning grumpiness at once. The years that she had spent as a stealth gyaru had most likely provided Harumin with the capacity to switch her mood at the drop of a hat.

 

“Are you free this Sunday?” She chirped happily, stretching her slender arms over her head, her dangling bag casting a shadow over Yuzu for a moment.

 

“Mmmm…” Yuzu hummed, needing to give the question some thought. A finger rose to her lips and she started tapping her chin in a thinking fashion. The realisation that she had no definitive answer to offer gave way to a long sigh that left her deflated.

 

She would not mind joining Harumin in whichever activity she had planned but Mama might want to do something as a family on Sunday.  It was her sole free day and Yuzu was not inclined to deny anything to the woman that had raised her, especially not when the comfort and joy of family was concerned. Her Mama deserved everything and more.

 

“...I’ll let you know, Harumin. I might have plans with Mama.” She said at last, half turning around to shrug at her friend in an apologetic fashion.

 

“No worries, Yuzucchi.” As expected, Harumin did not appear to be upset in the least and flashed her a sparkling smile before returning her eyes to the road.

 

 “Your mother is so cool.” Harumin said, her voice coloured by a touch of shyness and sounding oddly nostalgic. Her unusual sombre tone had Yuzu look at her in bemused curiosity but as soon as her eyes met Harumin’s, the girl broke into her trademark grin.

 

“Mama sure is.” Yuzu could only agree. The thought of her mother stole a smile from her. She had been blessed with the best Mama ever. She invited the warmth of the sun to kiss her face by tilting back her head and squinted her eyes at the brightness.

 

She had eschewed the sunlight during the last few months, always hiding behind a pair of fashionable sunglasses for the light had made her feel exposed and she had been craving the secrecy of shadows.

 

Harumin's eyes then rapidly shifted and her carefree smile vanished with equal swiftness. Yuzu turned to behold the source of her friend's surprise for herself; About twenty metres ahead of them was the unmistakable flash of pink hair blocking the path towards the academy.

 

Yuzu had yet to get used to seeing Mizusawa Matsuri wearing the Aihara uniform but she knew with certainty that her old friend travelled to school from the opposite direction to her and Harumin. Her mind soon reached the same conclusion that had shaken the younger Taniguchi sister: Matsuri had taken a detour to meet them before homeroom and the crossing of their paths was now unavoidable.

 

To Yuzu, Matsuri was a dear friend and she knew that Harumin too had a fondness for her, even if she claimed otherwise. Despite that, the girl's overbearing demeanour and habit of asking awkward questions sometimes made their interactions a test of patience that Yuzu could not abide by today.

 

Matsuri was unafraid to press and probe and present her thoughts for all to see; It was a direct affront to the carefully stage-managed mannerisms of most other Aihara students, many of whom were already making quiet suggestions that their new _kōhai_ was some sort of demon or particularly mischievous _kami_.

 

In truth, Matsuri was more a mirror made flesh. She had a troubling knack for reading people with accuracy and forcing them to confront truths about themselves that they would rather ignore, although even she had been unable to decipher Mei. On that morning, Yuzu had nothing to offer her though as she struggled to make sense of the many thoughts swirling about her head, all different yet all concerning the same person.

 

"Walking to school together, I see?" The question was asked lazily, in true Matsuri fashion, as if she had already figured everything out and was simply amusing herself. Yuzu had never seen a cat playing with its prey but had an inkling that it would look exactly like this.

 

"We always walk to school together." Harumin replied without slowing down her pace.

 

Feeling caught between two fires, Yuzu thought it wiser to relax the atmosphere by greeting Matsuri as amiably as ever. If she had possessed a cooler mind that morning, she would have realised how her feigned tranquillity would only serve to further entice the younger girl.

 

Matsuri greeted her back and for a moment the affection that she held for Yuzu filled her gaze with sincerity. The moment was cut short by her lips cutting a mischievous smirk that promised nothing good. Without warning, she skipped well ahead of them, then turned around to face them and started to walk backward, hands firmly stuffed in the pockets of her always-present hoodie.

 

A quick glance at Harumin informed Yuzu that her friend was holding herself back from scolding the girl. The way her jaw clenched ever so slightly and her stiff lips were all the confirmation she needed. Harumin’s reaction must have satisfied Matsuri as the girl stopped walking then and simply waited for the two of them to reach her. Once they did, she pushed herself between them with little grace.

 

The trio fell into step and for a good minute, not a single word was spoken. Unlike the one that Yuzu had shared with Harumin, this silence was far from peaceful. She could feel Matsuri’s eyes on her and her sharp gaze held no annoyance today. It was quite interested instead and because of that it was far more dangerous.

 

“Anyway, what are you doing here?" Yuzu asked once she could no longer withstand the girl’s scrutiny in silence. Her attempt at distraction was a rather poor one but she trusted that Harumin would soon join the conversation.

 

"I missed my stop." Matsuri shrugged as she spoke, pink hair bouncing upon the shiny headphones around her neck. She looked like the picture of innocence, a look quite unsettling to spot on her finely chiselled features.

 

She even succeeded in looking genuinely regretful, her acting skills so refined that she would have fooled anyone who did not know her. Harumin and Yuzu did know her though and the private look that they shared above Matsuri’s head was proof of that. The girl had made of the maze that constituted Tokyo inner rail system her own home. She never missed a stop nor a train. If given a location to reach, even one she had never been to, she would know which train to take on the spot.

 

"Well at least you aren't running late." Harumin retorted sharply, wishing to let the younger girl know that her ruse had not worked. They both knew that Matsuri must have opted to take an early train in order to cross their path.

 

Yuzu did not miss how the corners of Matsuri’s lips curled up at Harumin’s words. The smile lasted but a second but for someone that exerted such perfect control on her features, even a second spoke volumes.

 

“Great, I really wanted to be here on time" The younger girl huffed sarcastically, her words holding a sharpness that did not pass unnoticed by Yuzu. In spite of her stellar grades, Matsuri held a genuine and profound distaste for the Academy.

 

Once they turned the last corner, the trio found themselves faced with the Academy, the path they were walking on leading directly into the building gate. It was just before this very corner that her stepsister would distance herself from her when they walked to school together. She would shorten her steps or walk ahead until the illusion that they had not been walking together was created.

 

Yuzu had not given much thought to such things back in the day. She had simply accepted that their love had to be kept outside of the Academy walls. In hindsight, she should have realised that sooner or later, the younger girl would have been called to pick a single side.

 

 "...Yuzu-chan, you're spacing out again." Matsuri wrapped herself around her arm, her voice dangerously close to Yuzu’s ear. Her tone was one that set Yuzu on high alert. It played a high knowing note, one the girl only used once she had decided to fully satisfy her curiosity.

 

“Was I?” Yuzu tried her best to feign surprise and hoped that Matsuri would be willing to play along, if only for the morning. “I guess the exams are getting to me."

 

"Then you should spend less time shopping and more time studying.” Matsuri’s tone shifted to a more jovial one and kept any presumptions to herself as she turned her attention back to Harumin. “Maybe Taniguchi-senpai can join you - She needs all the help she can get!"

 

With a yelp, Harumin shifted and turned to grab at her underclassman but Matsuri had already taken a swift step to the side; She found only air between her fingers. Yuzu had seen various versions of this scenario play out since the two had met and knew that Matsuri would always get the better of her _senpai_.

 

This time though, Yuzu felt those devious eyes on herself instead and did not wish to turn around to confirm her suspicions as Harumin fell back into her casual stride with an exaggerated huff.

 

_As long as she doesn’t keep asking questions._

 

They walked the last stretch in silence and finally found themselves at the tall gates of the Academy, the dark grey bars packed close together like a cage as they opened into the grounds. Beyond them, students chatted as they walked to their classrooms but even fewer smiles could be found than usual. All around them, they were being watched by birds of prey wearing the red armbands of the Student Council over their pristine uniforms.

 

“Huh?” Harumin stopped to adjust her blouse, making sure her phone was hidden from view.

 

It was common to see a few Council members waiting at the gates each morning but today, an entire battalion had been deployed to the field to watch for any indiscretions, regardless of severity. 

 

Yuzu looked about frantically as she tried to deduce the cause of the activity.

 

Mei was not present, much to Yuzu’s relief or perhaps to her chagrin - She could not tell for certain.

 

“Good grief…” Matsuri went to stuff her headphones into her bag but it was already too late.

 

A pair of clipboard-carrying Student Council members were already moving towards them. Second years. Yuzu thought she recognised one of them from Nene’s class but did not knew the names of neither. Her family name kept her well-protected but Matsuri had no such luck, nor an appetite to follow the strict rules of the Aihara Academy.

 

“Yeah, I’m putting them away already…” Matsuri had heard their patter many times in the short period she had been attending and Yuzu could not help but admire her stubbornness.

 

Still, Yuzu recognised the opportunity and snatched at it. As Matsuri slowed to argue whatever tenuous case she wanted to make on that particular morning, Yuzu picked up her pace and headed straight for homeroom. Harumin briefly went to stop before hurrying to her side. If Matsuri could avoid detention, they would all meet up again at lunchtime anyway.

 

In truth, it mattered little to Yuzu in that moment. The Student Council may have been trying to make themselves known but their leader had made herself scarce once again. She now had at least the whole morning to think of what she wanted to say before their paths did cross.

 

* * *

 

 

#### Looking for

 

The chiming of the school bell startled Yuzu; She jumped in her seat, her leg nudging the entire desk forward with a loud scrape. The sudden movement made the textbook in front of her close by itself but it had been on the first page of the current chapter anyway. There was no progress to lose. She wanted to cry out and lament another hour wasted, still no closer to finding the words she needed.

 

She refused to lose her nerve over it though. Whenever she found herself in a pinch, her instincts would kick in and they had rarely failed her. She clenched her hands into fists to psych herself up. In truth, it had never been easy talking to the younger girl and Yuzu was quite familiar with the distress caused by the uncertainty that surrounded her dealings with her stepsister.

 

All around her, her classmates were readying themselves to leave the classroom, straightening their belongings with the utmost care before rising from their chairs as gracefully as they could. At her old school, the break for lunch was welcomed by a cacophony of scraping chairs and enthusiastic chatting but such reactions would be considered unbecoming, if not downright outrageous, at the Aihara Academy. “You need the grace of a true lady to find a good husband”, she had once overheard one student saying. No one had more grace than Mei.

 

There really was no time; she conceded and bitterly admitted to herself that she had been artfully stalling. The thought had her straighten her back at once and she patted her cheeks enthusiastically to clear her mind, a habit that she had inherited from her Mama. A sharp nod followed and then she spoke her mind out loud without meaning to:

 

"Alright!" She exhorted herself into action.

 

Her words were met by a familiar cheer. The unexpected sound startled her and she finally took notice of  Harumin. Her friend had turned around in her chair and was now staring at her with an eager expression on her face. Her look sprinkled Yuzu with confusion.

 

"It's a bit farther than our usual place but the prices are way better." Harumin continued unfazed, her enthusiasm as evident in her voice as it was on her face.

 

"Eh?" Yuzu said lamely, trying to ignore the heat creeping up her neck. There was little that could be done against it though as in the next instant, her cheeks burned up.

 

"Really, Yuzucchi?" Harumin leaned back to rest against her own desk and shook her head, causing her trademark fringe to slightly dance about her forehead.

 

"You didn't hear a word I said?" She crossed her arms over her chest but the note of disappointment in her voice was coloured by a great deal of affection and amusement.

 

"So how about karaoke later on?" Harumin repeated the proposal cheerfully, flashing Yuzu a complicit grin. "Let's break the uniform rule again, Yuzucchi!” She pulled a flyer for a new karaoke parlour from her bag and waved it in front of Yuzu’s face.

 

"Erm...". Yuzu rubbed the back of her neck, feeling herself growing all the more uncomfortable at her inability to form words. She tried to pull off a sheepish grin but the expression she managed could only be described as awkward.

 

She felt all the more exposed when Harumin leaned forward on her desk, squinting her soft brown eyes as if trying to peer into her mind. Yuzu almost blurted out her troubles then. However, her sudden and untimely need for honesty was stalled by Harumin nodding proudly at her.

 

"I get it, Yuzucchi. You're aiming for the top ten next." Her friend winked and flashed her twin victory signs. "I’ll cheer you on!"

 

Yuzu could not deny herself a smile then. It was a small but honest one. She would have to properly express her gratitude at a later time though because as of now she had to leave.

 

"Say, Harumin. I’ve got to take care of something so..." A surge of anxiety stopped her words as Yuzu realised in dismay that she had not thought of an excuse to justify her disappearance. Had she been more lucid she would have said that she needed to check the library but her logical skills were entirely focused on keeping her nervousness in check.

 

“No problem, Yuzucchi!” Harumin tilted her head and paused for a moment before breaking into a bright smile. “...Just don’t leave me on my own with those two for too long.”

 

Then, after adjusting her skirt, she rose from her seat in a careless fashion. Yuzu was grateful for having such an understanding friend but felt little guilt in leaving her to Matsuri and Nene; Those three had no difficulty in entertaining themselves and on most occasions, Harumin would willingly participate in their schemes.

 

Yuzu climbed the remaining few stairs, the light bounce in her steps disappearing as soon as she set foot on the landing. The absolute silence reigning within the Academy’s second floor left her blinking in confusion. She strained her ears to no avail, for not a single sound could be heard. If she had a pin she would drop it, just to check how truthful the saying was. The silence made sense though, this floor only housed faculty offices and the student council headquarters.

 

In the past, climbing those stairs meant surprising her girlfriend. Yuzu would often find herself skipping along the corridor with a silly grin on her face, much to Momokino-san’s chagrin. With such a beautiful song in her heart, it was not surprising that she had failed to notice how mute the floor was.

 

Today, her heart only carried doubt and trepidation and thinking about the immediate future only served to unnerve her. This time, she did not know how the President would react to her appearance. In truth, she might choose to not acknowledge her at all. A sudden lump in her throat reminded Yuzu that it was safer to keep her mind blank and let her instincts drive her actions. She nodded sharply to herself and took a deep calming breath, willingly ignoring the fact that she had yet to take another step.

 

It was not courage that she lacked. It was knowledge. Her most pressing questions could only be answered by one person and that one person was an enigma at the best of times. She closed her fists and stepped forward, quickly moving down the corridor, finally embarking on the last stretch of her journey.

 

The Student Council room was the farthest one from the staircase. 

 

As she proceeded, Yuzu noticed for the first time the impressive number of doors that she had to walk by in order to reach the President’s seat of power. Thinking about the size of the Academy never failed to make her feel uneasy, especially considering that the school’s influence extended far beyond the confines of the building. Even after his health scare, Gramps still maintained and frequently interacted with a vast network of contacts from the upper floors of all manner of offices.

 

A pair of muffled voices intruded on her reflection and somehow, she felt grateful for the unexpected reprieve. Without halting her step, Yuzu stole a quick look back and was not surprised to see a pair students trailing distantly behind her. Their voices being the only sound in the otherwise quiet aisle allowed Yuzu to hear their words clearly in spite of the fact that they were speaking just above a whisper.

 

“Did you see that the President is in today?” The question was laced with intrigue and clearly meant to arouse interest.

 

“Really?” A muffled giggle. “That’s a surprise.” Yuzu cringed at the girl’s tone as it held a fair amount of sarcasm.

 

“I used to like her but now she has her own set of rules.” The voice lowered even further but Yuzu had slowed her pace to linger within hearing range. “I guess you’re allowed to come and go as you please when your name is on the front of the school.”

 

On another day, Yuzu might have stopped and called out the pair on their harsh words. They did not know the challenges that Mei faced nor the hard work that the Student Council President put in every single day, regardless of whether she was physically present or not.

 

Now though, all she could do was maintain her pace as she allowed the duo to walk on ahead until they disappeared into a nondescript office. It was not the first rumbling of unrest among the students that she had heard but the looming presence of exams kept their attention elsewhere for the most part. The conduct and private life of Mei mattered little to them in the grand scheme of things and Yuzu had found herself envying them in some of her lonely moments.

 

How easy it would be, she thought, if she too could relegate the precedence that Mei held in her mind to a simple flake of mildly interesting gossip.

 

Now that she had reached her destination, Yuzu fell prey to hesitation. The last step truly was as hard as the first. Her indecision swelled as she fixed her eyes on the kanji identifying the room in front of as the one containing the meeting space of the student council.

 

She ran her hands over her cardigan to smooth it down and then did the same for her skirt. She also checked her socks, lifting her calves one at a time. To her great regret, she had left her pocket mirror in her bag and because of that, she had no way to check her hair and make-up. Perhaps, she could run back an-- Yuzu sighed deeply. Her stalling had taken a ridiculous turn.

 

The unsettling and untimely encounter had served to remind Yuzu of how complex and foreign to her Mei’s life truly was and it forced her to put her own position into perspective as she, most certainly, did not hold such a prominent place in Mei’s mind.

 

Acknowledging her own inconsequentiality added a considerable amount of weight on her already drooping shoulders. Her renewed insecurities burned through her optimism, making ruins of it. The sudden loss turned any trace of excitement, still lingering within her, into foreboding.

 

_Why do you always act without thinking, Yuzu?_

 

The memory stole a short laugh from her, a weak one that forced her to take a deep calming breath. Why, indeed, Mei.

 

The voice in her head was the most lovely that she had ever heard but for the most part, it only spoke very confusing words. As it often happened, one memory led to another and Yuzu found herself chasing after Mei in Kyoto, now able to face her and intent on declaring her honest feelings to her, strong with the knowledge that her own behavior had been just as confusing to Mei.

 

If there was a lesson to be learned from her past, Yuzu was willing to learn it. Even if it turned out to be a trick of her mind, a last attempt at finding strength where there was none. Beside, the sobering moment had succeeded in revealing to her that it would not be fair to rely on anything other than her will when opening that door.

 

As she could not afford the moment of bravery to pass her by, she knocked on the thick mahogany wood and since fear had already twisted her gut and put a lump in her throat, she pushed through and burst into the room before receiving any reply.

 

The sight greeted her like a bucket of icy water. Sitting at the end of the seemingly never-ending conference table that occupied much of the room, was Momokino Himeko. In spite of her diminutive stature, the formidable girl appeared larger than life.

 

“...Momokino-san?” Yuzu ventured, taking a small step forward as it felt like the Vice-President was a world away from her.

 

Yuzu’s presence was acknowledged with a brief glare as Momokino-san continued her work unperturbed. The silence stretched, broken only by the rustling of paper, the scribbling  of Momokino-san’s pen and the random clicking of the empty chopsticks in the girl's left hand.

 

“Aihara Yuzu.” Momokino-san finally put down her pen and looked up from her notes. “Do you have business with the student council?”

 

“Well, mmh...” Yuzu shifted her weight, unsure of what to say next. Her fretting only served to put a scowl on the petite woman’s face. “Not exactly.”

 

“Then I would kindly ask you to leave.” Momokino-san spoke tersely and deliberately, her eyes already shifting back to her papers.“This room is reserved for stu-”

 

“Wait!” Yuzu stepped forward, closing the distance between her and the Vice-President in a few long steps. “Please, Momokino-san, I’m just looking for M- ... my, uh, sister.”

 

The short girl stiffened visibly but did not acknowledge her otherwise. Instead, she took a moment to place her chopsticks on top of her still-untouched bento with an inordinate amount of care. Her jaw was so tightly clenched that she was forced to take a deep breath in order to speak again.

 

“The President is in today but she is even busier than I am.” She said, swiping her hands as to indicate the documents piled about her before glaring back at Yuzu with a pinched expression on her face. “And you should know that better than anyone, Aihara Yuzu!”

 

Her sharp tone was meant to cut and it did. The wound seared with a feeling of inadequacy that had been poisoning Yuzu as of late. Still, she had no words to offer, or at least, none to offer Momokino-san. What she had to say was for meant for Mei alone.

 

 _If only I knew what to say…_ She thought while starting to worry her lower lip, withdrawing into her inner world. Her sudden distraction caused her to jump when Momokino-san thundered her next words.

 

“You and your friends have caused enough trouble for her and the rest of the Student Council already! So no, you can’t talk to her.”

 

Yuzu flinched, taking a step back as the words were spoken with an increasingly challenging tone that twisted her inside and misted her eyes. She could only lower her head, focusing on the tips of her shoes as the heat of a blush burned her cheeks.

 

“....At least, you can’t talk to her right now, Aihara Yuzu.”  The hint of worry, softening the girl’s edgy tone, heartened Yuzu, encouraging her to look up again.

 

“Oh.” She whispered, holding her tightly wrung hands against her chest. By the protective look that was now mitigating the girl’s irritated expression, it was clear that stress rather than anger was the cause behind the Vice-President’s spiky demeanour.

 

“She went to the Chairman’s office to make an important phone call.” Momokino-san heaved a heavy sigh and relaxed her rigid posture, albeit only by a smidge.

 

“That was twenty-one minutes ago. She does not wish to be disturbed.” She frowned, now appearing to be somewhere else, as if chasing her thoughts.

 

Yuzu truly wanted to meet Mei on her own terms and not because they shared a house. She considered the possibility of barging into the Chairman’s office as it would not be the first time but things had been different then. So very different.

 

“I guess I’ll have to talk to her later then.” She conceded in defeat, shoulders falling in disappointment as the last hint of courage holding her up unravelled.

 

“Yes. Later!” The booming voice caused Yuzu to jump slightly. With her arms crossed tightly over her chest and her impressive eyebrows drawn together, Momokino-san held the commanding prowess of a _Shogun_. Yuzu felt compelled to nod several times at the sight.

 

“And see that you do speak with her, Aihara Yuzu.” This time, her voice was softer and for a fleeting moment, a pleading look relaxed Momokino-san’s brow. She opened her mouth as if wishing to add something but no sound came out and soon enough her worried expression became a cross one again. She demanded Yuzu to leave so that she could return to her work.

 

Yuzu squeaked out a brief thank you before making a quick retreat back to the relative safety of the corridor. With a sigh, she found herself leaning against the wall, no closer to reaching Mei than she had been at any point in the previous nine months. She took a quick look around to confirm that no one else was around.

 

“I don’t know what to say.” Yuzu whispered to herself, holding back the tears that she had long been accustomed to now.

 

She no longer felt any urge to dash home after school concluded. Even if Mei was there, she had no words for her. Yuzu could not bring herself to feel a categorical sense of love or anger toward her, even after so much time apart. She decided to take up Harumin up on her offer, clinging on to the untruth that an evening of karaoke with her friends would help her settle her mind and make sense of her clouded thoughts. Anything would be better than going home, she thought.

 

* * *

 

 

#### Hiding from

 

Once Yuzu made her way back to the cafeteria, she felt like a stranger stepping into a foreign world. The polite chatting of the Academy students translated as a fastidious buzz in her ears and even if she could not make out a single word, somehow it felt as if they were talking about her. It was but a foolish sensation and while Yuzu was quite aware of the fact, the muscles in her stomach still clenched, still spasmed.

 

She contemplated turning around, walking back to the safety of her empty class but a familiar voice calling out to her broke through her disorientation. She followed the voice with her eyes and was met with the sight of Harumin smiling toward her while Nene waved both arms to catch her attention and beside the enthusiast girl sat Matsuri. Her pink hair made her easy to find and Yuzu had little doubt that it was deliberately meant to be that way.

 

Matsuri seemed uncertain regarding Nene's antics, unable to decide whether she was annoyed or bemused by her but when her eyes found Yuzu, her expression became one of sharp curiosity and she looked like a cat alerted by a sudden noise. Yuzu walked toward their table without hesitation and even though the action had been instinctive rather than reasoned, she was aware that standing in the middle of the cafeteria while appearing lost would inevitably bring unwanted attention to her.

 

"Ah, Yuzu-senpai! Harumi-senpai saved a seat for you!" Nene, as always a ball of energy, pointed out adamantly, clutching her hands together with unabated joy. Her adoring eyes widened when Yuzu slumped into the waiting chair, she breathed out a long sigh and melted into a beatific smile.

 

Yuzu did not mind her happiness. No matter how at odds it felt with the desolation inhabiting her chest, there was a measure of comfort in seeing someone that could be so easily pleased.

 

 _I used to be the same._ She thought and not for the first time. However, comparing the person that she had been before meeting Mei to the one that she was now was akin to comparing the flame of a candle to the sun.

 

"Thank you." She said in a hurry, suddenly feeling the pressure of having all attention focused on her. "Sorry I took so long, Momokino-san wasn't in a good mood."

 

Yuzu realised her mistake as soon as the last word left her lips; She had revealed too much. She raked her mind to find a plausible answer to the unavoidable question that her lack of care had brought on herself, Nene would not even register her words as they held no interest for her and Harumin would not ask, Matsuri however was a different story. And a half baked excuse would not satisfy her. Her smiling lips parted, a small breath and she was about to speak.

 

"Eyebrows-san is never in a good mood.”

 

Yuzu relaxed against the back of her chair, more surprised than relieved. For an instant, she was filled with guilt as perhaps Matsuri was less cutting than she thought. However, her guilt was immediately assuaged by a pair of blue eyes narrowing in a sharp and knowing fashion.

 

"Taniguchi-senpai was telling us about this new karaoke place." The pointed gaze that she fixed Yuzu with was more eloquent than words could ever be but in truth, Yuzu had already been reconsidering the offer.

 

"It's fine if you can't go tonight, Yuzucchi. We can let you know if it's any good or not!" Harumin, as generous as always, pushed  the topic away with a wave of the hand and a smile. The simple gesture filled Yuzu with unexpected relief as being given a choice felt liberating. She no longer had any reason to refuse the proposal though.

 

Talking with Momokino-san had achieved more than the thunderous Vice-President would ever realise, Yuzu thought grimly. She had rationalised her anxiety and her fear by ascribing them solely to her lack of clarity in regard of her feelings, focusing on that morsel of truth had permitted her to hide the rest away.

 

There still existed a remnant of the person, the child that Yuzu had once been, the faint yet intoxicating whisper that assured her she would find her feelings and find the words as soon as she gazed into those purple eyes once more. She knew better now though.

 

A look would never suffice. It would not be able to stitch her feelings into a coherent form. The edges of their jagged shapes were sharp as well, so forcing them together would only lead to bleeding. She was more than just confused, she was wounded and she was terrified, her heart shattered in more pieces that she could count. To find them all within a single look was not possible.

 

On top of that, she was already exhausted and by what Momokino-san had said, Mei had had a tiring day as well. It was better to let it go, for today at least.

 

"Well, um, I changed my mind." Her voice betrayed her by sounding far less certain than she would have liked.

 

She forced herself into straightening her shoulders, the effort was considerable now that she had acknowledged the magnitude of what weighed over her. "Meet by the lockers after school?"

 

"Waah!" The forced smile on her lips was met by an enthusiastic yelp as Nene failed to contain her excitement. "An after-school adventure with HaruYuzu!" She continued blissfully while Harumin's mild scoldings asking her to keep her voice down only served to brighten her already stellar mood.

 

"Oh? Why the change of heart, Yuzu-chan? And I thought you were turning into such a diligent student..." Matsuri ignored the musings of Nene and started to turn the screw.

 

Matsuri’s eyes were narrowed by a combination of a lack of sleep and a suspicious tone. Yuzu knew that she could not avoid her questioning forever and set about reciting her hastily-prepared excuse. It would not be successful but surely a token attempt to explain herself would have been better than nothing at all, she had decided.

 

"Well, I didn't really have anything planned for after school anyway." Yuzu tried hard to conceal the uncertain stammer in her voice but there was no hiding it.

 

"Then why did you say no earlier? You're a terrible liar, Yuzu-chan." Matsuri pounced immediately, seemingly anticipating her half-baked response. She tilted her head, her pink locks catching in the headphones resting around her neck, already misappropriated back from Mineko-sensei’s drawer of confiscated items.

 

"Good grief. Please ignore her, Yuzucchi." Now that Nene had been calmed, Harumin turned back to interject.

 

Yuzu knew that her friend would have been privately asking herself the same questions but she could always trust her to keep them to herself. She wondered if this was how Mei used to feel; desperately wishing to say something but holding her tongue, praying for someone to come in and resolve things on her behalf. Maybe Mei still felt that way. The notion made her feel sad again; Everyone deserved to have someone in their life upon whom they could rely.

 

While Harumin appeared to have struck gold with her find, the karaoke parlour was a poor choice of location for clearing Yuzu’s head. She rubbed at her temple as Nene launched into the chorus of a popular _enka_ ballad with complete sincerity, illuminated by coloured lights and the shimmer of a slowly-rotating mirror ball hanging above them in their spacious booth. Matsuri’s renditions of obscure anime themes and bubblegum pop had not been much better and the less said about Harumin’s rapping, the better.

 

She found herself wondering what Mei would think if she were with them.

 

No matter how strongly she tried to chase her off her mind, she would end up thinking of her. It was as if the girl was woven within her every breath. Yuzu's efforts to fill her eyes and her ears with something else were failing miserably. Mei was always there, between one heartbeat and the next, the feel of her too vivid to belong to a ghost and Yuzu's longing for her too frantic to be one of mourning.

 

Even now, she could see her, sitting straight on the plush sofa, her body refusing to acknowledge the considerable weight that had been put on her shoulders as her countenance was one belonging to a ruler rather than a martyr. Her face, even and smooth, concealing her every thought as she did not allow herself to be seen. Yuzu did not know how she did it. A lifetime of hiding everything must have been as exhausting for Mei as it had been for her. 

 

Perhaps if they had been alone, curiosity would have widened her eyes, making her appear younger, but such precious moments belonged to the past. Trust was not a unilateral deal and for a heart that had been broken, trust was the rarest of commodities. Yuzu had spent too much time in pain to dare a gamble.

 

Nene's stubborn attempt at reaching too high a note succeeded in bringing Yuzu back at last, the weight returning to her body and her flinch morphing into a grimace. Nene was not done though and if anything could be said about the girl, it was that her perseverance did not contemplate ever giving up. The obsession she held for Harumin and her and the certainty of her vision for them was proof of that. Yuzu found a spot of amusement within her troubles.

 

When Harumin took the microphone from the younger girl, Yuzu glimpsed the rare sight that was Matsuri blushing for a fleeting instant as Harumin asked the pink haired girl to pick a song for her. No snarky remark fell from her lips as Matsuri proceeded to choose a song: an overly saccharine number that was far off Harumin's taste. Nevertheless, the girl agreed to fulfil the request despite lacking any particular enthusiasm.

 

Yuzu leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest, determined to give her full attention to Harumin's next performance and as her friend started singing, Yuzu started tapping her foot to the rhythm...

 

_“You and your friends have caused enough trouble for her and the rest of the Student Council already! So no, you can’t talk to her.”_

 

She had never wanted to cause Mei any trouble.

 

Momokino-san’s words kept nagging at her, a grim reminder that she understood very little about Mei and she understood even less of the world Mei lived in. Yuzu's belief that her time with Mei had at least been meaningful had rarely faltered but now Mei seemed to be perpetually beyond her reach, perhaps by her own design.

 

"Yuzu-chan..."

 

Matsuri's voice. A whisper blown delicately into her ear. It prickled Yuzu's skin and stole a startled yelp from her. If she had not been so busy trying to rein her thoughts in as they gave chase to Mei, she would not have been caught by surprise.

 

"...Yeah?" She asked in a casual tone once she turned to meet Matsuri's eyes. The girl was staring at her with staggering intensity as if trying to read her thoughts and for a moment, Yuzu feared that she might have succeeded.

 

Still, she hid her awkwardness behind a smile, feeling a pang of guilt as soon as she curled her lips. Her smiles had not been authentic for such a long time that she could hardly remember when her face and mood had been a perfect match. Yuzu knew that she was not particularly talented at hiding her feelings; She could hardly fool strangers, let alone her loved ones, however the latter would always tactfully abide to her charade.

 

The girl staring at her had no use of tact. It was part of her charm but Yuzu, in her current state, could hardly be charmed. Yuzu was finally granted a reprieve from the girl’s close scrutiny when Matsuri wrapped herself possessively around her arm, her fine hair tickling Yuzu through the fabric of her shirt as she pressed her head against her shoulder.

 

Yuzu made an inquiring face, raising both eyebrows. She was used to such gestures from the girl as she did not just act like a good friend; Matsuri acted like a very spoiled and demanding younger sibling. Although, this time around, when Matsuri tilted her head back to look at her, it became clear that she was not just fishing for attention or seeking to annoy, the expression on her face called to mind the one that she used to wear as a small child when playing by herself in a deserted park.

 

"It's true that Nene and Taniguchi-senpai aren't the most interesting of people...." Matsuri stopped to spare a sharp gaze at the subjects of her sentence, her wolfish grin promising nothing but trouble."..but I deserve your undivided attention, Yuzu-chan."

 

As always, she had managed to weave her mockery in a matter-of-fact tone, a personal favourite of hers. Yuzu sighed theatrically, finally allowing herself to shuffle back. She used her newfound space to cross her arms over her chest in a slightly disapproving fashion.

 

"Matsuri..." She started in her big sister's voice, an affectionately scolding tone that never failed to make Matsuri soft, for a short moment a least. "You really shouldn't s-"

 

"That's not true! Absolutely not true! Very untrue! Super false!" A passionate Nene severed Yuzu's speech. The red-faced girl was holding her arms in front of her chest in the shape of a cross, the volume of her voice increasing with every word.

 

"Taniguchi-senpai is the most interesting person that I’ve ever met! She is the most interesting person in the world! Along with Yuzu-senpai! HaruYuzu forever!" She raised her arms in victory and stood, swept up in the drama of the moment, hitting the table with her legs and causing the drinks on it to wobble dangerously. Yuzu launched forward, managing to secure her drink and Nene's.

 

"Matsuri!" She scolded, finally prompting the girl to steady Harumin's drink. Since Matsuri had long finished drinking her own, her empty glass received no attention.

 

Regardless, Matsuri's attention had shifted completely on Nene as the girl, now back on the sofa and holding her hands as in prayer, kept apologising to her two senpai profusely. In the narrowing of Matsuri's eyes, Yuzu could easily see her considering how entertaining feuding with Nene would be, though what truly worried her was the vengeful glint animating the familiar blue gaze.

 

"Seriously, why do I hang out with you two?” Harumin's voice broke into small room like a sudden summer storm. She glared between Nene and Matsuri with a frown on her forehead, appearing much like an exasperated parent faced with their squabbling children.

 

"Honestly...." She let herself fall into the empty spot by Nene's side with a soft thud, the leather of the sofa welcoming her with an airy squeal “...I have no idea."

 

"What about you, Yuzucchi?" She shifted her twinkling eyes on Yuzu, holding back a smile as she tried to appear utterly confused. "Do you know why we hang out with these two?"

 

"Mmmm...." Yuzu rubbed her chin, surprised by how easily playing along came to her.

 

The charade did not not last long as Nene breaking into what sounded alarmingly like a pitiful wail forced Harumin to reassure the girl while patting her head. The attention made Nene immediately happy, so much so that Yuzu could easily see an imaginary tail wagging behind her back. By her side, Matsuri gazed at the pair with an inscrutable shimmer in her eyes, though her slightly bowing lips revealed that she was mostly looking at Harumin.

 

"I have known Yuzu for way longer than you, Taniguchi-senpai." Matsuri challenged, her lips now cutting her customary smirk. She took a breath, readying herself to deliver her final blow. Harumin did not give her the chance to.

 

"That only means that Yuzucchi is due a break. Long overdue." Harumin ended her line with a wink. Disbelief mixed with a small dose of respect flashed over Matsuri's face at the words and though it did not last longer than a blink, Yuzu found the short-lived sight delightful all the same.

 

As expected, their interaction devolved into a sharp yet mostly good-natured discussion and the barbs they traded were meant to tease rather than to antagonise. It was an honest display of friendship if Yuzu had ever seen one. Nene growing unnecessarily worried by Harumin’s side only added warmth to the picture.

 

Something broke within Yuzu at that very moment, though she could not say why such a familiar scene would cause her heart to get so soft and melancholic. She had been standing at the sides for months now, the divide between her and her friends had been unavoidable and she had accepted it as such. She would never be able to fully explain what transpired between her and Mei, not with words at least, for language was too small a domain. In truth, she was possessive of it. It belonged to her and Mei and it kept them bound. It was private. It was theirs.

 

However, the fact that Mei had moved back home would become common knowledge in a few days as such news seemed to make its way into the Academy at a considerable speed. 

 

The room grew silent as her friends’ gazes shifted to her.

 

The ring around her neck became unbearably heavy, a burden dragging her down, and yet she knew the touch would bring her comfort if she felt inclined to reach for it. The duality embodied by the round object had stopped troubling her a long time ago. Nothing could ever be simple when Mei was concerned.

 

“Yuzucchi?”

 

Yuzu closed her eyes and breathed herself out of her anxieties, clearing her mind of any thought and meaning to talk as soon as the threads binding her throat broke.

 

"I found out last week the President... My sister... Mei, she is moving back with me and Mama."

 

A hush descended upon the room; Yuzu decided to focus all of her attention on a small groove in the lacquered wooden table, her mouth suddenly dry and her hands refusing to reach for her drink.

 

"When is she coming back?" Harumin asked, her head tilted with curiosity.

 

“...Yesterday.” Yuzu could barely muster a whisper as she focused intently on Harumin’s reaction. Her friend remained unmoved for a few seconds before the gears in her mind started to turn and an odd expression formed on her face. Was it pity? Yuzu could not say for certain.

 

"That explains it.” Matsuri waved her hand dismissively, not letting any surprise show on her person. "Is her fiancé moving in as well?"

 

It was not the first time that Matsuri had questioned her about Mei’s fiance. In truth, Yuzu had never met the man or even learned his name. Whenever she considered Mei’s marriage, she never paid much thought to the one holding her hand but to the wizened Aihara standing behind her, quietly nodding his approval. She only hoped that he would be more kind to her than the first man she had been informally betrothed with.

 

"The marriage was called off." Yuzu finally replied. There was no point in trying to hide it or beat around the bush; If the news had yet to reach the schoolyard gossip already, it soon would do.

 

"Really?! Maybe they were a bad match.” Nene blurted out unhelpfully but without a shred of ill-intent. “My mother told m-"

 

"I'm sure the President would want you to respect her privacy." Harumin was quick to put a stop to the speculation, though Yuzu privately wanted to let Nene continue, if only to remove the number of opportunities for herself to speak.

 

"It's getting late." Matsuri abruptly rose to her feet and started gathering up her things, haphazardly shoving both of her mobile phones into her schoolbag.

 

Her expression had turned sour and Yuzu recognised the look all too well. She remembered Matsuri having the same look on her face after she first learned about Mei almost two years ago, quickly becoming clingy and protective of her, creating even more trouble in the process. Yuzu felt a mixture of guilt and sadness; Matsuri had reacted poorly to the news of her split with Mei, blaming everyone and everything, even herself. It was impossible to predict how she would respond to this development but Yuzu knew with certainty that it would not be with silence or reservation.

 

She shared a knowing look with Harumin, who had also adopted a worried expression as she witnessed the rapid change in Matsuri’s demeanour.

 

“Come on, I’ll walk with you.” Harumin swiftly made a show of tidying up their half-empty glasses and sweeping some crumbs from the place on the leather sofa where she had previously been seated.

 

Yuzu’s attention returned to Matsuri. Her nonplussed visage was slowly morphing into a scowl. Yuzu could not find it in herself to blame her but at the same time, she knew that Matsuri understood Mei far less than she believed she did. Mei was deserving of many things but Mizusawa’s wrath was not one of them. It was a new problem to deal with, one that Yuzu had been keen to avoid but would now be forced to confront somewhere down the line.

 

To her relief, Matsuri did not protest as Harumin almost manhandled her to the exit, hastily bidding a goodbye to a shocked Nene, who had yet to grasp what was unfolding before her.

 

"But we have more than ten minutes left and HaruYuzu have yet to sing a duet!" She pleaded, waving the microphone like a flag of defiance.

 

"Next time, Nene." Yuzu put a hand on her shoulder. It was time for her to start heading home too.

 

The catharsis Yuzu had been hoping for all evening never arrived. She could not fault her friends for wanting to have a fun time nor for them wanting answers to the same questions she had been asking herself for so long. Whatever comfort she had expected to gain from sharing the truth with them had failed to materialise.

 

Just exactly how long had it been anyway? When one day blurred into another, it was difficult to tell. One more exam. One more sleepless night alone. One more glance at that note. Yuzu knew that she could not keep existing in the drift forever yet she was incapable of finding the reserves of energy to leap from the river she found herself in, instead letting the flow take her to an unknown destination.

 

One more day. One more floor. One more step.

 

The heavy ache in her calves that she felt when she took the stairs to the apartment was not a pleasant feeling but it was at least something. She had been eschewing the elevator as of late, if only to get an extra minute or two away from home. Her heart broke all over again when she saw Mama looking so defeated; She had been trying her hardest to hide it but Yuzu knew that she was hurting too.

 

Yuzu let her schoolbag slip from her shoulder, dragging along her bicep and into her hand, the leather immediately cutting into her palm from the weight of the textbooks. If she could not sleep then she would study.

 

She fumbled for her keys in the corridor and placed her free hand on the door handle. To her surprise, she felt a give in it. The door was already unlocked.

 

Almost stumbling into the _genkan,_  Yuzu paused for a moment to regain her balance before closing the door behind herself. As she swung back around, her keys slipped from her bag and clattered to the floor with a sharp metallic ring.

 

She looked down to retrieve them and stopped dead in her tracks. Mama's work boots were nowhere to be seen in the entryway, their usual place instead inhabited by a small, immaculate and carefully-placed pair of leather school shoes in a far better condition than her own.

 

Then she heard it. That unmistakable voice cut right through her, just as it had always done.

 

"Welcome home."


	3. Love You How

#### Fortress

 

Yuzu’s heart was as confused as the rest of her for it did the oddest thing upon hearing that voice: soaring and sinking at once. The flip-flopping sensation within her chest left Yuzu light-headed and disoriented with a bout of air trapped halfway down her throat.

 

Following the compulsion of her body, she rescued her breath first by taking a sharp intake of air. The lungful granted her the reprieve she needed and soon enough her surroundings fell into focus. Still, she had no luck in clearing the haze clouding the rest of her; no amount of deep breathing would solve that.

 

As of now, the ability to reason seemed to be lost to her. It was a dangerous situation as different emotions clashed within her and, more often than not, they contradicted each other in dangerous ways. Some demanded answers as it was their due, while others might put the brightest smile on her face. She feared the latter the most.

 

Yuzu was saved by a sudden intuition that inspired her to shift her focus on her senses rather than dwelling upon what she felt, in a hopeless quest to find the key that would allow her to decipher herself. 

 

Her first action was to steal a glance at Mei, if only to make sure that she was truly there or that she had not disappeared in her few seconds of distraction. It would not be the first time her mind tricked her ears by conjuring her voice. All it took was a quick look, a sideways snap of her eyes, so hasty that she saw little else apart from a blur or dark hair and pale skin. It was enough though. She would never mistake her presence. Mei was truly there and she was waiting. Yuzu collected herself around the fact, finding a modicum of balance at last.

 

"Hey, yeah thanks..." Yuzu was fretful to break the silence. The longer it lingered, the more loaded it would become and she dreaded the thought of having to speak more profound and meaningful words. If she were to fall apart now, she feared what might pour out of her. The loneliness and the pain that she had endured during those cold months were biting into her heart with teeth that had never been sharper.

 

Sounding natural proved to be a struggle; a tight knot in the back of her throat held her voice captive and the sound came out a little too thin, strained around the edges and weaker than she would ever like to sound around Mei. She shielded herself by making a show of searching for her keys, shuffling around and scanning the floor, eyes roaming over every square inch of the light wooden surface.

 

She felt ambushed, even if her day of planning had proved futile and yielded her no solution, this sudden encounter had left her feeling completely vulnerable and wielding the same amount of control a kite in the wind would hold over its direction and even worse, her only tether was the girl standing before her, the one she was fearful to look at.

 

Upon spotting her target, she knelt in a hurry. Her heart punched her chest at the same moment, rebelling to her weakness and if only to quieten it for a bit, Yuzu raised her gaze slightly. From her position on the floor it was much like cheating, but it was still a decision, one she could make.

 

Mei was standing at the very edge of the _genkan_. On her feet were a pair of spotless slippers and wrapped around her calves a pair of pristine black socks, smooth and even, always the very picture of neatness.

 

The sight filled her with a sort of melancholic regret; she knew that Mei put little to no effort in caring for her appearance and perhaps she was the only one who knew that much. It did not matter in the grand scheme of things, for she might have found her position sweet once but what she did not know of Mei clearly outweighed her knowledge of the girl.

 

She reached for the keys with a sudden swipe of her arm. At first, they escaped her grip. Her fingers would not stop trembling. A tight fist and a deep breath stilled them but somehow, the air was never enough around Mei. Her next tentative grab proved successful, though her victory only served to feed her anxiety.

 

She looked again, no more than a fleeting glance, no longer than a heartbeat but focused on her face. By the strict set of her brow and her distant eyes, Mei seemed to be lost in thoughts of her too but for all that Yuzu knew, she could have been thinking about the Student Council or about the weather or about the heat death of the universe. Yuzu could not say.

 

What she understood of her leaving had dissolved with her coming back and at the moment Yuzu had absolutely nothing to go by. She denied herself a sigh by pressing her lips together and stood at last, glad to have found her next target in the coat hanger.

 

After hanging her jacket, she moved to smooth it down with her hands, mindful to take her time and even stopping pick at some nonexistent lint. Her movements were chopped though, broken even. She was a puppet to her own weakness and she was at a loss: At a loss for words and at a loss for thoughts. Perhaps even at a loss of heart.

 

The thought brought a chill at the base of her neck; rubbing it away was not feasible as she refused to acknowledge it so openly. It was ridiculous. She was not the one that should be nervous as her position had always been clear. She had given herself to Mei completely. Forever, she had said. Forever by her side. She was not the one who left.

 

The moment of rebellion let her turn around sharply, the courage she had left demanded for her to see Mei at once. All of her. It proved unwise, like rushing into the sunlight with eyes wide open. Once she held her in her eyes, her heart was cleaved in half, each part denying the other. Her strength was drained and her limbs became limp. It felt as though she was melting.

 

Mei. Mei was there. Mei was there with her. On the same floor and under the same roof, sharing the same space and breathing the same air. Had those eyes truly been full of tears upon receiving her ring? Mei held herself straight, wearing her regal countenance as one would an armour and her purple eyes were as enigmatic as ever.  How could such a face ever be streaked by tears? How could such a highly held chin ever quiver, and those lips, how could they ever curl while drawing such an uncompromising line? In that moment, it was unthinkable.

 

It was as if those months had never passed, for there was no trace of them on her. It made Yuzu angry at herself as she knew that the hardships of their separation had carved their image on her body. Her lack of sleep, her weary appearance, the sharpness of her ribs, she was her own story while Mei was still Mei.

 

Yuzu had to draw her arms around herself in a poor attempt at covering her emotional nakedness. She felt exposed as never before and even though she would never wish for Mei to be in pain, her own sorrow became all the more merciless in her solitude.

 

"I..."  The silence that followed was a rather painful one, even what was left of her heart was clear on that as it dropped in the pit of her stomach with a heavy thud and it made it clench.

 

"I didn't realise how late it was..." She lowered her eyes. The tip of her right shoe was still dusted with white because of the pebble that she had kicked on her way to school. She had grown to care so little.

 

"...Mei." She finished, the name tasted like ashes on her tongue.

 

In a way, it felt appropriate for them to meet at the doorstep again, just as Mei had introduced herself what felt like a lifetime ago. No matter how little she understood her then, Yuzu felt like she understood her even less now. 

 

After placing her leather school shoes along side Mei’s, Yuzu slipped into her slippers and stepped toward the living area. Mei remained where she was, her demeanour as inscrutable as ever, her posture as perfect as the day they had first met and every day they had shared since then.

 

"Mother should be home soon." Mei deadpanned and finally moved from her place, following after Yuzu to the living area. She immediately made for the kitchen with her elegant strides and went to retrieve something from a drawer.

 

Yuzu resisted the temptation to remain in place and watch with amazement. She soon became aware of a dull ache in her shoulder and placed her keys back in her school bag, pausing to look at the cracked spines of her various textbooks.

 

Mei's books would always look as pristine as the day they were purchased, as though they were never read, their contents already long-committed to memory. She straightened her arm and let her schoolbag slide until the handle was in her hand before gently placing it onto the floor, pushing it to the side with a swipe of her foot.

 

She heard the drawer close and Mei paced back to the dining table with four mats in hand. She began carefully placing them on the table with delicate precision but paused when she came to the fourth and final one as she stood at the head of the table, where the oversized bear, Kumagorou, that her Father had purchased for her once sat.

 

"..."

 

Yuzu detected the smallest of sighs. Mei was still for a moment before heading back to the kitchen to return the mat to where she had found it.

 

"So... is Mama cooking tonight?" Yuzu knew the answer already and found herself fearing that Mei would see the woeful attempt at making conversation as soon as the question had left her lips.

 

"Yes." Mei continued setting the table, barely offering a glance in her general direction.

 

Yuzu went to take a seat on the sofa, for once careful not to drag her feet; though the irregular rhythm of her steps thudding along the solid wooden floor did nothing to conceal her anxiety. It would not go unnoticed. Mei spoke little but saw much. She mentally chided herself for her recklessness, screaming a wish that only she could hear, a wish to have the grace and temperance of the young woman standing a few metres from her, yet still no closer to her than she had been in the time since she had left her life.

 

Yuzu could not help herself then, fighting her own nature would only hurt her in the end and joining Mei in setting the table held no further meaning. They were to live together after all, being around her would be inevitable and the sooner she got acquainted with her presence, the easier her life would be.

 

And she had the perfect reason in her school bag; she stretched her legs to get to her feet with a small jump. After retrieving her empty bento from her school bag, she walked to the sink and proceeded to wash it up summarily before setting it on the rack, meaning to properly clean it after dinner along with the rest of the dishes.

 

She turned off the water, taking pause as the feeling of having Mei’s gaze focused on her became too uncomfortable to ignore. She made a show of checking herself out, hoping to find something out of place, something that would allow her to dismiss Mei’s attention as a moment of curiosity or confusion.

 

"Ah. Yeah, I…” Her voice was again stretched too thin and she feared the heat creeping up her neck would soon show on her cheeks. Standing only a few steps from her, Mei would be unlikely to miss it. A moment of self consciousness led her hand to smooth down a ruffled portion of her cardigan, bringing her embarrassment to a level she could not sustain at the moment. Mei had always chided her about wearing her uniform on after-school excursions. She made to walk away "...I'll go change. Sorry."

 

"That is not what--" The note of distress in Mei’s voice played upon her instinct and she was quick to turn around, it was sudden and mindless and she failed to realise how close they would be once she did.

 

She felt herself being pulled in by the beautiful purple of Mei’s eyes, her heart thumped in recognition, it was a song she knew all too well and by the way Mei’s breath caught in her throat, Yuzu wondered if she was hearing it as well. Those were the eyes. They had been full of tears when their owner received her ring - she flinched, taking a quick step back, her slipper folding under her foot. 

 

She could not go back to this. She had been drunk on love the first time she had stepped onto this slippery ground. She could not withstand another round of the hide and seek game they used to play with each other’s feelings.

 

“....I’ll only take a minute."  She had not meant for her voice to sound so stilted but her stitched throat would not permit her anything more and perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps walking away was for the best. 

 

* * *

 

 

####  **Umbra**

 

Mei held back a gasp. On those rare moments where she stole a look across the Academy courtyard, Yuzu had appeared to be exactly as she had always been. Up close though, the full extent of what she had done had made itself apparent in uncompromising fashion.

 

Yuzu's face was gaunt, her cheeks and jawline awkwardly defined by the now-visible bone structure of her face. It held none of the angular delectability of how Mei recalled her exposed clavicle looking as she went in for a kiss or a soft bite; It was a reminder of just what she had done to Yuzu, a scar that she had left.

 

Her makeup lost its effectiveness when observed at such close proximity too. Mei could see the puffiness around Yuzu's eyes and the paleness of her lips. She had once taken such great pride in her appearance but what Mei saw before her could only be described as the sloppy negligence of someone at the end of their tether.

 

She wanted to look away but something forced her to stay where she was. This was her burden to bear and her wrong to right, if such a thing was even possible.

 

_Can I stay by your side forever?_

 

“Mama is home!”

 

Hearing Mother announcing her return filled Mei’s chest with unexpected warmth, so much so that she almost yielded to the temptation to rush to her. She met the woman in the living area after a more pedestrian walk, regretting her lack of spontaneity all the more once she saw the many bags that she was carrying.

 

“... thank you, darling.” Mei gathered her share of bags, lowering her head as to hide her suddenly flushed face. She found herself holding her breath when, without warning, Mother leaned closer to brush a few wayward strands of hair from her face.

 

Her face grew even warmer then and she resigned herself to the fact that she would not be able to conceal her fiery cheeks from Mother’s eyes.

 

“Would you help me with the food, Mei-chan?” As if reading her mind, Mother turned around, granting her a smidgen of privacy. Her voice held a peculiar tenderness and Mei sensed a note of affectionate amusement at the edge of her words.

 

Perhaps, one day, she would feel deserving of the woman’s affection. For the moment, she held back the sigh heaving her chest and straightened her posture, intending to do everything in her power to be of help, even trying to anticipate Mother’s needs as she buzzed about the kitchen.

 

The food, now spread over the table, made for a veritable feast. The fragrant scent rising from the ample selection of tempura promised a rich and delicious flavour while the similarly ample selection of sashimi created a rainbow of colours that left no doubt about the quality of the products. Side dishes containing gyoza, tamagoyaki and fried rice completed the central tableau while scattered about the table were differently coloured bowls containing pickled vegetables, boiled cabbage and seasoned seaweed.

 

As the meal started, Mei soon found herself with a succulent morsel of octopus between the wooden tips of her chopsticks. A blush travelled up her neck as Mother bestowed a dazzling smile on her. She acknowledged the thoughtfulness of her choice of food with a bow of her head.

 

“...Yuzu, darling, look what Mama found!"

 

Mother's cheerful voice seemed to have little effect over Yuzu’s meek demeanour. Still, her tense features softened when she took notice of the bowl that Mother was holding out to her, as nestled within the blue ceramic was a variety of sharply spiced vegetables. She helped herself to a generous portion, if only for Mother’s benefit, and attempted a small smile upon passing the bowl back. Mother welcomed her efforts with a smile of her own, though hers was as bright as Summer.

 

After that, Yuzu quickly withdrew into a hunched position at the very edge of her seat, with one elbow planted on the table, her hand raising to knead her neck. Holding back a sigh, Mei resolved to pick a pickled radish next; the spiciness made her tongue itch sharply, the sourness of the taste matching her mood.

 

It was then that her world shifted and as was often the case, it shifted without warning, the change happening within the blink of an eye. A small tug at the collar of Yuzu’s hoodie revealing a glimmer of silver was all it took. It could have been any other chain in truth, it did not have to match the one that Mei wore around her own neck. Her heart refused to be swayed though as it lodged itself in her throat.

 

"It's so wonderful to have both of my girls back again." Mother chirped in delight, the chopsticks a blur as she took samples from each dish and placed them on her plate.

 

"Thank you for assisting with the move... Mother."  Keeping her voice firm proved to be a struggle through her constricted throat but a swift bow of her head allowed her a moment of reprieve. Mother’s radiant smile and laughing green eyes reminded her of Yuzu’s so sharply that the memory drew anguish from her. Their faces and expressions were so similar that she could not stop her mind juxtaposing the two of them.

 

Yuzu would never look at her while wearing such happiness on her face again though. Her shoulders drooped slightly under the weight of such realisation and the present faded from her eyes as Yuzu’s smile became the only vision she could conjure. If her consciousness was aiming to comfort her or to punish her, Mei could not say. Both outcomes were achieved though.

 

“It was no trouble at all Mei-chan… Yuzu and I have been counting down the days, haven't we, sweetie?" Mother asked while snapping her empty chopsticks at the air, humming as her eyes scanned the table to decide what she wished to eat next.

 

Mei recognised her question for what it was, a gamble meant to coax Yuzu out of the corner she had placed herself into. She tried to keep her muscles from stifling as she waited for Yuzu’s reply but her fluttering heart betrayed her hypocrisy. Nevertheless, Mother’s words succeeded in awakening Yuzu from her slumber, albeit with a startle and nervously blinking eyes.

 

“Uh..” She cleared her throat, shuffling in her seat and reached for her glass of water, though she merely raised it to adjust its position on the bamboo mat. “...yeah.”

 

She appeared to slip away again as soon as the words tumbled from her slack lips, her eyes already looking straight ahead, claiming something no one but her could see. The girl by her side had become a riddle.

 

No matter the ache though, Mei would rather be there and have her heart hacked to splinters than be anywhere else. The realisation was surprisingly sweet and allowed her to relax slightly against the back of her chair, her eyes landing on Kumagorou’s empty place. He was not the only thing missing by a long stretch yet Mei allowed herself the foolish thought that things would not be as dire if the placid-looking stuffed bear had been there.

 

“Your sister has become quite the student…” Mother paused to place her the tips of chopsticks on their _hashioki,_ a mischievous grin dancing on her lips as she leaned closer to her as if eager to share a secret. “...but I’m sure that you knew that already!” 

 

“Yes, I did.” She nodded, feeling a surge of confidence upon assuming her role as the school President. “The entirety of the Student Council had been impressed by her latest ranking.” 

 

Grandfather had been impressed as well, though Mei instinctively held back that information. She had no solid reasoning for doing so, except that it felt wrong somehow, in the same vein that hearing Grandfather mentioning Yuzu’s name so casually had.

 

“Well, I….” Yuzu bit her lower lip. “I want to get into a good university.”

 

She sounded almost apologetic, shuffling in her seat while fidgeting with the hem of her hoodie. All too quickly, she disappeared again, even failing to acknowledge Mother’s proud gaze before losing herself within the action of smoothing the edge of her bamboo mat with the tip of her index.

 

A long moment of silence followed, one that was only interrupted by the snappy sound of Mother opening a cold can of Sapporo. 

 

"Do you know which university you'll be going to, Mei-chan? I know your plans have just changed but..." Eventually, Mother took it upon herself again to break the ice.

 

"I think so, Mother. Udagawa-san and Grandfather agreed that it would be best for me to continue my studies." Mei spoke honestly. University had always been a foregone conclusion and had rarely crossed her mind, unlike many of her peers.

 

“I see… and is Udagawa-san planning to return to his previous job?” Mother fished about a bowl of miso soup as she spoke.

 

Mei did not feel particularly inclined to discuss any subject regarding her former fiancé but she could not begrudge her Mother for asking questions. She eased herself by focusing on the fact that her interest was the result of the affection that she held for her.

 

“His property has already been purchased, so I do not know if the cafe will reopen or-” A clattering sound severed the rest of her sentence.

 

“Sorry!” A flushed Yuzu apologised while fretting to gather her rolling glass with one hand, the other trying to dry the spilled water with a crumpled napkin.

 

Their eyes met after Mother left them to go and retrieve a towel from the kitchen and Mei refused to avert her gaze when faced with the deep sorrow darkening Yuzu’s eyes. Taking it all in was the least she could for her.

 

Once the spillage had been taken care of, Yuzu remained standing by the table, shoulders slumped, arms hanging limply along her body and lower lip held between her teeth. Perhaps it would have been wiser to just ask Mother to fill Yuzu in on all of the details that she did not appear to be privy to.

 

The moment of unease came to an end when a saccharine song filled the air, its upbeat rhythm akin to nails on chalkboard in such a tense atmosphere. Yuzu snapped into life at once, retrieving her mobile from the pocket of her hoodie with a relieved expression on her face.

 

“I better take this, Mama.” She explained, raising her eyes from the flashing screen to give Mother an apologetic gaze. “It’s Matsuri - she was in a weird mood today. I’ll be quick…”

 

Mother nodded, the smile on her face somehow softened by her concerned frown. By the way her eyes followed Yuzu as the girl retreated in her room, it was clear that it was not Misuzawa-san’s mood that had her worried.

 

As expected, Mother had bought too much food. Mei had realised that as soon as she had laid eyes on the bags that she had been carrying, their size telling the tale. She had only realised the extent of it upon storing the boxes back in the fridge though. By her calculations, she assumed the quantity of food to be able to feed five people and abundantly at that. It had not been a mistake, Mother and Yuzu loved to feast on leftovers the following day, often stuffing their bento boxes with them when they were short on time. Their behaviour used to confuse Mei but she had came to the conclusion that they simply wished to make the most out of everything.

 

She could not imagine the current Yuzu to be willing to feast on anything, other than her books perhaps - her exceptional ranking at school was proof of that. Mei found herself reluctant to admit that in spite of the lingering tension, the current atmosphere was a rather comforting one. The white all-encompassing light of the kitchen had been traded for the soft glow of the orange bulbs suspended above the cooking peninsula and the house has been plunged into a sunset afterglow.

 

Yuzu stood by the sink, taking care of washing the dishes, the scene both familiar and painful as she was not softly humming along like she used to and even though her back was toward Mei, she knew that no easy smile was gracing her lips. Along with the soft running water and the washing noises, the only other sound was provided by the soap opera Mother was watching on the television screen. She had relocated to the sofa right after dinner for a well deserved moment of relaxation.

 

As she retrieved the bamboo mats from the table, she paused in front of the one used by Yuzu, yielding to the temptation of running her finger over the same corner that had been incessantly smothered down by Yuzu during dinner. She did not know what she expected from it; to find some lingering warmth perhaps, or to simply share in the tactile sensation. What she felt instead was merely the slightly rough patterns of interwoven bamboo strands and nothing else.

 

She felt as if she was folding in on herself; her eyes shut and her hands closed into fists to retain a measure of control.

 

She was drawn to Yuzu the moment she opened her eyes again. The knee-length apron was summarily tied around Yuzu's back, half concealing her slender form, thought Mei did not recall the garment to fall so loosely around her frame. The guilt she had been feeling since taking notice of Yuzu’s gaunt appearance grew thorns and she made a choice without realising by joining Yuzu at the sink, much like a moth drawn to a flame would have and perhaps just as unwisely.

 

She wanted to see it again, the world that only Yuzu's presence could create, the one which had no confines, unpredictable and exciting, rich with bright colours and holding a thousand scents. Dinner, as desolate as it had been, had revealed to her something: It had been Mei's own doing and if she wanted to go back to that world, she would have been the one to take the first step.

 

"It's alright, I've got this." Yuzu squeaked upon noticing her, the small side step she took put little distance between them but Mei saw a chasm in its place.

 

"I do not mind helping." She reached for the cloth and started drying off the dishes that Yuzu had already put on the rack.

 

Mei focused on her task, refusing to grimace at the way Yuzu seemed to be shrinking away from her, she now needed to stretch her arm in order to place a plate on the rack.

 

She stored the plate back under the counter, stealing a quick glance at Yuzu from under her raised arm. Yuzu kept running her arm over her forehead in a poor bid to push the sleeve of her hoodie further along her forearm.  She had only succeeded in wetting her fringe though as the hem of her long sleeve remained about her bony wrist and was in constant risk of being dipped in the soapy water of the sink.

 

It happened before Mei had any real time to think about it; as soon as she put down the plate her hand moved to Yuzu's arm. The unexpected touch had Yuzu flinch, a slippery bowl escaping her fingers to drop into the soapy water with a dull splash.

 

"Your ....I..." The words remained stuck to the back of her throat. She shut her eyes for a moment, bidding herself to cast away anything but her purpose. Her hand around Yuzu's wrist, the comforting warmth of her skin, what she had meant to do, what she had meant to do, yes- She gently pushed back Yuzu's sleeve, slightly past her elbow and then let her go.

 

"...thank you." A whisper, though a shaky one. Mei kept her eyes on the sink, a whisper could be so many things, but if Yuzu’s face were to be upset... she did not think herself strong enough at the moment to take such a chance.

 

"Of course." She nodded and reached for the bowl to dry.

 

The silence between them spread to her mind as she continued her task and not even the burning of tears at the back of her eyes allowed her to form a full thought. She merely acknowledged the sting and kept on drying.

 

Once the last bowl had been placed on the rack, Yuzu announced that she was going to retire for the night. Her voice was modulated to sound natural but Mei’s fine ears did not miss the tremble at the edge of her words. Her perched brow and ceaseless tugging at her hoodie completed the picture.

 

Mei could not blame her for feeling as if trapped; her return had forced Yuzu into a situation she would have every right to find detestable. A sigh fled her lips, as her eyes took in the sight of the partially-open faucet. In her haste to leave, Yuzu had failed to properly turn it off and heavy irregular drops of water kept falling.

 

Her hand rose, only to stop midway. Perhaps if she were to leave it as it was, Yuzu would realise and come back. She pressed the lever shut right then, loathing her hypocrisy and her selfishness. Such a weak heart would never succeed. If Yuzu were to come back, Mei did not want it to be because of a faucet.

 

* * *

 

 

####  **Glimpse**

 

“Mei-chan?”  Mei blinked at hearing her Mother’s voice, yet she turned toward the woman out of instinct.

 

“Mother… yes?” Mother was peering at her from above the back of the sofa, her chin resting on her folded arms.

 

“Would you sit with me?” She asked, tilting her head just as Yuzu often would.

 

“Of course.” She replied, hoping for her moment of defaillance to remain unnoticed.

 

Mei found the older woman sitting on the sofa in a loose lotus position, holding a huge fluffy pillow in her lap. The sight reminded Mei of Kumagorou once again and for a moment a question lingered on her lips. It remained unspoken and she took a seat on the sofa instead, grateful for the penumbra as it allowed her to keep her blushing cheeks a secret.

 

Without warning, a long dreamy sigh escaped Mother’s smiling lips, a sound that could only be produced by joyful thoughts. Mei cocked her head in attention, hoping for the woman to elaborate on it as her bright laughing eyes were not looking towards the present.

 

“Yuzu had been going to bed early for a while now…” She mused, while an advertisement flashed on the television screen. Mei flinched, the cheerful background music playing too loudly for her liking.

 

“It still feels weird to me though...” She reached for the remote and turned the volume down before continuing. “She has always been stubborn about that, even as a small child.”

 

“Ah!” Mother smiled to herself before wiping at her eyes.

 

“Evening was our time, you see, and it was the best part of the day…” She chuckled warmly, now tilting her head back and closing her eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath. “...I should have been more strict on the subject.”

 

It made a lot of sense to Mei, since she imagined Mother’s working hours to have been even harsher back then, a time where she had to struggle to make ends meet. As irrational as it was, a great deal of regret spread through her as she pondered Yuzu and Mother's past.

 

“...She was such a sweet child and she still is.” Another smile, this one meant for Mei as she turned toward her and reached for her hand, taking it between her own. “You too, Mei-chan. You too.”

 

Mother’s hands were not soft; they were hard and calloused. They were honest hands and a perfect match for the eyes looking at her. It was yet another look Mei felt undeserving of as she was held as treasure within it. She bowed her head deeply, eager to conceal her her slightly quivering chin.

 

“Oh! It’s back!” Mother squealed, still mindful to keep her voice low, her attention returning to the screen now that the advertisement break was over. “Best show of the season, Mei-chan!”

 

Mother kept one of her hand on hers, the contact providing Mei with a strong sense of security, it was a condition that held no familiarity to her still she recognised it as something that she had always been yearning for, something she never wished to lose. She leaned back slightly and cast her eyes on the screen, wishing to learn more about the show that had her Mother spellbound. Mei struggled to understand it though. The webs of intrigue and deceit were too tightly-woven for her to follow. Documentaries and stories about kind animals were more her pace.

* * *

####  **Goodnight**

 

In spite of the fact that her schedule for tomorrow was quite eventful, Mei had remained by her Mother’s side longer than she had intended to. Mother's boundless affection was free of charge and while receiving such love filled Mei with a measure of embarrassment, withstanding her blushing cheeks was a risible hardship if it meant feeling precious for a moment longer.

 

After that, she had not allowed herself any reprieve, her shower had been a quick one and she had eschewed soaking in the tub. As she made her way toward her bedroom, she could not help but scold herself for her discipline. It was but a childish protest as delaying joining Yuzu in their shared bedroom would be a pointless endeavour.

 

She had no qualms about admitting that holding her back straight and maintaining her stride even required a considerable effort. Her shoulders were far too heavy, her stomach was in knots and the tingling within her muscles made her legs feel shaky.

 

Nevertheless, she had nowhere to go except forward. Just as it had always been, except this time by her own volition.

 

Upon reaching the door she took pause, closing her eyes to recall the layout of the room in her mind so that she would be able to orient herself in the darkness. As a rule, turning the light on would not bother Yuzu's sleep but Mei had elected to take no chances in aggravating the girl. Her mere presence seemed to cause her enough grief as it was.

 

She turned the handle delicately and pushed the door open a sliver. To her surprise, light as feeble as the flame of a candle seeped through, the faint hue grazed the tips of her slippers and invited her to fully step into the room.

 

She found Yuzu sitting on the floor, hunched over a book while writing notes on a post-it. The light cast a golden glow along the curvature of her neck as she had gathered her hair into a loose topknot. She was pouring every ounce of her attention into her studies, tenacious and pensive with her brows drawn together, her jaw set in a strict line and her chin slightly jutting out while she chewed her lower lip.

 

Mei’s observation was interrupted by a sudden heaviness in her chest. She felt much like a thief at the moment. Yuzu might not have wished for her to see this new facet of hers. A soundless sigh fled her lips as she debated whether it would be more appropriate to announce herself or to make her presence known by making some sort of noise. The decision was taken away from her, when Yuzu’s pencil stopped moving, prompting Mei to close the door behind her.

 

"Hey...I'm...tomorrow...I'll turn the lights off now." Yuzu fumbled her words while moving to retrieve her scattered study material from around the table’s surface. In her flurry of motion, she bumped her pencil case off the table, spilling its contents across the floor with a harsh rattle. Mei grimaced as Yuzu dove to scoop up the shattered rainbow of pencils.

 

Making fists of her hands, Mei willed herself to gather what was left of her resolve but when her lips parted, no sound came out. The words she wished to speak were too thick to pass through her narrowed throat.

 

"...Yuzu." It was the only thing she could squeeze out, the only thing that made sense in a world she understood little of.

 

Hearing her name gave Yuzu pause, she went still as soon as the sound left Mei's lips. Mei endured the following silence, knowing that it was not hers to break and if Yuzu were inclined to maintain it, Mei intended to abide by her wish.

 

A sigh slithered through, long and deflating and leading to Yuzu raising her head toward her at last. Yuzu’s shoulders dropped and the pencil she was holding fell from her nerveless fingers as their eyes met for a fleeting glance. A sigh was enough for Mei though as it clearly was all Yuzu could voice at the moment.

 

"There is no need." She endeavoured to keep her voice even somehow. "The light does not bother me. Please, continue with your studies."

 

Upon finishing the sentence, Mei had to resist the urge to bow. The situation was already in shambles as it was and did not need to become ridiculous on top of being awkward.

 

"Thanks… I'm almost done." Yuzu wasted no time in returning to her studies.

 

Mei had to wonder if Yuzu had found comfort in her books as her younger self had after her father had left. Finding similarities between the two of them felt eerie somehow, there would be no sadder fate for Yuzu than resembling the likes of her.

 

Her ghastly reflection faded from her mind quickly enough as the present held a dilemma for her and she pondered over it while rolling a lone strand of hair between her finger and her thumb, the fine texture tickling her. The king-size bed was inviting to say the least, covered with a duvet resembling a starry sky and its welcoming softness enticing Mei's stiff back.

 

It was far more complex than simply lying beside Yuzu though, it was a matter of intent. She could not share the bed with Yuzu as a sibling, she could not bear the thought of being merely her sister. It would be hypocritical for her to pretend otherwise.

 

She pushed her hair behind her ear and knelt to retrieve her futon from the closet, gliding about the wooden floor on her bare knees as she proceed to arrange her bedding, quickly and efficiently, dismissing the feeling of being observed for the time being. She knew that acknowledging Yuzu's eyes would bring nothing good but once her task had been completed she could not ignore her gaze.

 

From skimming through the romantic novels that Yuzu used to read, Mei had learned that oftentimes a look was all it took for people to understand each other, to resolve a conflict or to simply get their feelings across. Mei found only confusion within Yuzu's eyes though and surely enough, her own eyes had little else to offer at the moment.

 

Still, she gathered herself into a seiza position and straightened her back while offering Yuzu a steady look. However, when a hint of hurt appeared within Yuzu’s eyes, an excuse almost slipped through her lips. Blaming the hot weather for her decision would be appropriate but Mei found herself unwilling to lie.

 

For the time being, she could only lie down in the bed that she had made for herself.

 

"Goodnight, Yuzu," Her voice remained firm as she closed her eyes.

* * *

####  **Twinkle**

 

Mei’s eyes took a few seconds to adjust to the brightness of the early morning sunshine pouring into the bedroom through thin curtains, the long shadow of the bed not quite reaching her futon. She exhaled as she stared up at the ceiling, a featureless tundra of white paint. Even her room back at Grandfather’s home had more colour. She rose slowly, her muscles still waking up with her, and scanned the room with half-open eyes.

 

Yuzu was nowhere to be found. Mei recalled the previous night, the eerie silence where she would expect to hear the soft yet audible breathing and the rustling of the covers had left her unable to drift off quickly. She knew that she would have found Yuzu just as awake as she was but she dared not contemplate confirming her suspicions.

 

After folding the futon into a perfect square and neatly placing her pillow on top of it in the corner of the room, she set about performing a few morning stretches, savouring the feeling of her loose-fitting pajamas as she flexed like a tree in a strong wind. Putting on her school uniform took little time as she had laid it out the night before, just as the maid would do every evening. Following a quick check in the mirror and brushing away a crease from her skirt, she stepped into her slippers and headed to the bathroom.

 

Droplets of water splashed across the large mirror; Mei took a few moments to appreciate the cool sensation on her face. It was sure to be another warm day and the student council room was uncompromising in its airless and stifling heat. Himeko could always be relied upon to offer her support but other council members had intentionally made themselves scarce when it came to the less important meetings. She could hardly blame them.

 

Producing a brush from her washbag, she set about straightening the clusters of deviant hairs that had gone astray when she slept. It was a simple task but she had sometimes made more of a meal of it when she used to share the bathroom with Yuzu, who she could hear busying herself in the kitchen.

 

There was no point in putting things off.

 

“Good morning.”

 

She was met with a few mumbled replies.

 

Yuzu’s hair was already styled into an elaborate off-centre ponytail. Sleep did not come easily for Mei last night but when it did, it must have been a deep one for her to miss Yuzu getting up at some unholy hour. Perhaps that too was by design.

 

The sight of her mother slouched at the dining table gave Mei reason to pause. She looked awful.

 

“Are you sure you should be eating more of this, Mama?” Yuzu asked as she dished up leftovers from last night’s feast.

 

Mother rolled her head in the direction of her worried daughter and forced herself to smile. Her cheeks were pale and her eyes puffy.

 

“The quality of the food wasn’t the problem, Yuzu. It was the quantity, I think.”

 

Yuzu looked unconvinced and Mei shared her concerns. It was so like Mother to try to downplay whatever illness had taken her. Amongst those feelings of concern were tender echoes of fondness and affection. Still, Mei had often found herself admiring her father’s selflessness too when she was a child but she was no longer certain that such an approach was healthy.

 

She took a seat next to her sorry-looking mother and Yuzu set down the last plate before completing the trio.

 

“Please do not stress yourself too much, Mother.” Mei tried to meet her eyes but she was already sinking deeper into her crossed arms on the table.

 

Mother let slip a weak chuckle. “I know, Mei-chan. What would your father think if he saw me like this? I don’t want him or the rest of you getting ill as well.”

 

Mei’s expression was a puzzled one. She had not mentioned that her father was coming home.

 

“Hehe, I wanted to keep it a surprise. Shou-kun will be here later in the week… Unless another adventure comes calling.” Even when her own body was rebelling against her, smiles would always come easily to Aihara Ume when she spoke of her husband.

 

The news of her father’s impending return gave Mei pause for thought. Save for the occasional brief phone call, she had barely spoken to him since leaving and had failed to keep tabs on his whereabouts. He had always been pragmatic and helpful when giving advice for her wedding preparations but she found herself wishing to hear what he thought about it now. Another difficult conversation for another day.

 

In that moment, Mei caught Yuzu looking at her. Her emerald eyes were full of concern as she caught her gaze and began making sideways glances towards their mother, who was feebly twirling her chopsticks around in her bowl, stirring the food into a lazy maelstrom. Mei felt relief, quickly followed by guilt. It was the most natural Yuzu had looked since she had gotten home yet it was hardly the time to dwell on such matters.

 

“Hey, Mama? Don’t you have work tonight?” Yuzu asked, already knowing the answer.

 

“Hmm? Yes... I should be back home around ten if things go to plan.” Her pattern of speech was as irregular as it was unconvincing.

 

“You can’t go. You need to rest.” Looking stern was not something that came naturally to Yuzu but the look on her face could have forced a blazing sun to take refuge behind the clouds. “...Right, Mei?”

 

_Mei._

 

To hear that word again, to hear it spoken on those lips with such casual ease. Mei saw her own surprise mirrored in Yuzu. She had let it slip out; Mei had no doubt. Still, a glimmer of light.

 

“She is right, Mother.” Mei swept a lock of hair over her shoulder before taking another bite of her food.

 

Her mind slid back to a few years ago. Yuzu had that same look on her face when she had commanded her to abandon her student council work when she was unwell. She had loathed her for a time and then accepted her sister’s actions as correct. She saw a great many things in Mother; Seeing her younger self on that usually cheery face had not been something she had expected though.

 

“But Yuzu… Mei-channn…” She trailed off. The melodrama in her voice made it clear that the matter was settled though. “Fine… but I’m allowed to see you two off before I go back to bed.”

 

Yuzu offered a resolute nod at the compromise and Mother returned to prodding at her food like a stubborn child. It was only a momentary distraction to what she had said though; Seeing the pair of them off? The thought of walking to school with Yuzu seemed too far-fetched to even entertain and yet here they were, left with seemingly no option but to oblige the Trojan horse of a request from Mother, if only to make sure that she would actually return to bed to get over her sickness.

 

“Don’t worry, you two. It will pass by soon enough, I’m sure of it.”

 

When she allowed herself to become lost in that easy smile and those rounded eyes, Mei could find herself more than happy to entertain whatever words would leave Mother’s mouth. It was difficult to look at her and see only a passing ailment but there was little more to be said and school beckoned.

 

“Yuzu.” Mei turned to her as she was finishing up her breakfast. “We should leave soon.”

 

Yuzu nodded and breakfast proceeded in silence. Mother had made a few more perfunctory attempts to eat her own food but Mei had noted only a few mouthfuls from her careful observation. Compared to the previous evening, the simple set dishware did not take long to put away and soon enough, they only needed to gather their belongings and head for the door.

 

They stood at the _genkan,_ unsure of what they would find at the other side. The shuffling of Mother’s slippers broke through the quiet and Mei found herself speaking to no one in particular.

 

“Are you ready?”


	4. Love Me Do

#### Fabian Strategy

 

At some point during her childhood, Harumi had learned from her Grandmother that it was wiser to not get involved in the squabbles of others, if only because there was little that a third party could do in such situations besides getting in the way. Only the people directly involved were in a position of solving their troubles.

 

This was the reason why, upon spotting Yuzucchi and the President walking to school together, she had elected to let them pass her by while concealing herself behind a massive flowering vine running down a wall. Her friendship with Yuzucchi had been putting her life philosophy to a test; she never had such a close friend before and seeing her withering away in silence had proven to be quite the hardship.

 

With a sigh, she pushed away from the wall that had she had been leaning against and set off towards school, mindful to keep a fair distance between herself and the silent pair. She took out her smartphone; fidgeting with it would provide her with a ready excuse should Yuzucchi take notice of her.

 

Yuzucchi had never explicitly told her about her relationship with the President and yet, somehow, Harumi had always known. They had never been like she and sis were and their eyes were not full of the mutual tolerance of siblings whenever they looked at each other. At least, they never used to be. Now, Yuzucchi and the President seemed like strangers to one another. They walked beyond arm's length of each other and never shared more than a glance, let alone a word.

 

To her surprise, Harumi found herself wishing that Matsuri were there. She would never run out of silly comments nor had the tact to keep her thoughts to herself. It was admirable in its own perverse way. As was often the case with Matsuri, the contrary was also true and Harumi feared how she might act around Yuzucchi and the President.

 

She eyed the pair from above her phone, for a moment the idea to look at them through her camera lens and zoom in tickled her. The thought was quickly dismissed with a shake of her head as that seemed to be something that Matsuri would do and there would be little information to be gained from such an act. She would never be able to guess the President’s mood from looking at her anyway; the face of a statue yielded more information.

 

She scowled at herself. She knew little to nothing about the President apart from the gossip circulating about the Academy but it was the memory of something that her sister had said during a dinner with Maruta-senpai that gave her pause.

 

_Aihara-san is too selfless to be strong._

 

The words had passed through her at the time but now Harumi found herself wondering whether sis knew something about the President that she did not.

 

Another look. The distance separating Yuzucchi and the President had only increased.

 

On that, she pocketed her mobile, swung her school bag over her shoulder with a huff and skipped ahead, easily covering the distance that separated her from the Aihara girls. Upon reaching them, she grabbed Yuzucchi into a loose headlock without hesitation and loudly greeted her, the momentum of her sprinting arrival had them skip a few steps ahead.

 

“Oi, Harumin! You’re going to knock me over one of these days!” Yuzucchi protested, slapping at the arm around her neck, turning to scowl at her the moment she was freed. Harumi spotted a glint of gratitude in her friend's eyes, although the sight of it only added to her concern.

 

“Good morning, Taniguchi-san.” The President greeted her, that even voice and her impeccable manners filled Harumi with unease.

 

Harumi resisted the urge to make some sort of sarcastic comment welcoming the President back. Even if her grandmother had warned her to stay out of drama, she had not failed to notice the prolonged absences of the President. She offered a curt reply.

 

“Did you oversleep?” Yuzucchi asked.

 

She answered with a smile and a victory sign but her reply fell on slouched shoulders and downcast eyes as Yuzucchi’s attention had already drifted away. Harumi held back a sigh and resigned herself to silence for the time being, after all the Vice President was bound to join them soon and if there was something the petite woman excelled at, it was making noises.

 

As predicted, Momokino Himeko was waiting for them at the usual corner, stood straight with her chin held high, her schoolbag clasped by both hands in front of her.

 

The moment she saw the President, the usual sharpness of her features morphed into a smile of bright youthfulness, ringlets of hair bouncing about her face as she tilted her head. Still, her voice held a respectful tone when she greeted the President and soon enough, her usual frown took residence on her brow again.

 

Momokino-san only acknowledged Yuzucchi and her after taking her place at the President’s side, though they only got a sharp nod, a terse good morning and were then quickly forgotten as the petite girl took care of briefing the President about the Student Council’s daily activities. It was the reprieve Harumi needed, a light distraction.

 

"Hey, Yuzucchi? That karaoke place was pretty sweet, wasn't it? Even Matsuri was impressed." Harumi chuckled to herself at the memory, as Matsuri had manifested her appreciation for the place in typical fashion by declaring that she did not dislike it.

 

"What? …Sure. It was pretty good but it was kind of far away, don't you think?" The reply lacked the enthusiasm Harumi had hoped for. Nevertheless, she had succeeded into roping Yuzucchi into a conversation and that was the best result she could achieve these days.

 

“Only a little though! Don't be lazy!” She turned towards her with a flashy smile on her face. “And we won't have a problem if we go straight from school."

 

Her face got stuck halfway to a wink as she realised her misstep. She shut her eyes for a moment, hoping to collect herself as a burst of warmth invaded her face, surely painting her cheeks red. The chance of her remark passing unnoticed was not one to discount; the President did not seem to be in the mood to engage as she had only replied to Momoki-san’s questions by making noises of assent till then.

 

"Aha!” The exclamation had an accusatory edge and Harumi did not need to raise her eyes from the ground to know who had uttered it. She halted her step when Yuzucchi pulled at her arm and finally looked up to see the Vice President blocking their path, fists resting against her hips, her school bag dangling from one.

 

“I knew you four were up to something yesterday!" Her massive eyebrows became one as she squinted her stormy eyes at them.

 

“These two and…and…” She stumbled for a moment. “...and their underlings left the school together and went somewhere while wearing their uniforms!”

 

It was quite bizarre how the mind worked on occasion, as instead of raking her brain to find a plausible explanation, all that Harumi’s mind seemed interested in doing was imagining the look on Matsuri’s face at being deemed an underling.

 

By her side, the President released a long sigh. Harumi grimaced internally, quickly searching Yuzucchi with her eyes. Her stealthy ways had left her school record spotless until now and she feared to think of the scolding that her sister would give her if that was to change. Yuzucchi appeared guilty rather than worried, chewing her lower lip, her eyes far away as if Momokino-san was not currently standing in her face.

 

“I know already, Himeko.” The President walked to her Vice and placed a calming hand upon her shoulder, much to the petite girl’s delight.

 

"As expected of the President!” She crossed her arms over her chest and nodded proudly, face morphing back into strict disapproval the moment she turned to them again.

 

“The uniform rules must be abided by - You need to change out of your uniform if you are planning any... after-school activities."

 

The President remained a mystery but Harumi knew that allowing Himeko-san to continue her rant would not bode well for them and since Yuzucchi was completely off her game. She took it upon herself to diffuse the tension.

 

"Come on, Vice-President.” She stopped forward, offering the girl an easy smile and a wink. “You should come with us next time!"

 

She had not expected the Vice President to blush at her suggestion, clearly the idea tickled her. The memory of a day spent at the amusement park returned to her, perhaps an outing together would smooth everyone’s nerves.

 

“Well, the rules do exist for a reason..." The statement had Harumi turn toward Yuzucchi with an incredulous expression on her face. There was no salvaging the situation now.

 

Regardless, her incredulity morphed into curiosity when she realised that her friend’s eyes were locked with the President’s. Her gaze was one meant to apologise but she was no longer slouching, she held her chin high instead as if willing to take full responsibility. Harumi felt compelled to take a step back.

 

“That is correct.” The voice was akin to the one Harumi had heard during every other student assembly: Dulcet and authoritative, almost spellbinding in the way it conveyed certainty through such graceful tones. “The safety of our students and the reputation of the Aihara Academy is of paramount importance.”

 

“Exactly." Momokino-san nodded resolutely and if not for her bouncing hair that had her look as adorable as a cocker spaniel, she would have appeared the picture of control.

 

The President did not even acknowledge her; the disregard was not intentional though as the unyielding hold her purple gaze had on Yuzucchi made her blind to anything else.

 

"...However, that does not mean that we should not be regularly reviewing such rules." The President added, her eyes remaining locked in place.

 

“But you've always sai-" Yuzucchi began. Harumi could only turn away in despair as her best friend seemed hell-bent on making things worse.

 

“All students should abide by the rules but those rules are not set in stone indefinitely. The past is not the present - That is what I think, Yuzu.” Mei started walking again.

 

It did not last long but it would have been impossible for Harumi to miss it. After all these months it almost felt surreal to see wonder take hold of Yuzucchi’s face, widening her eyes and lighting a spark of curiosity within them, her lips trembling ever so slightly as if unable to fully commit to a smile. Yuzucchi stared at the President's back for a moment longer before resuming her walk.

 

Harumi shared a look of surprise with the Vice President before taking off after the pair again.

 

* * *

 

#### Shot

 

Yuzu came to her senses with a startle; the harmonious chiming of the bells announcing the end of the school day sounded unbearably loud to her ears. All around her, her classmates gathered their belongings in their measured and deliberate ways.

 

As a rule, she would be one of the first to leave the classroom, if only to avoid the possibility of hearing the latest gossip. On many occasions, they would involve the student council President and Yuzu had never had any taste for mindless speculation. Today, she intended to wait for as long as she could.

 

She shut her eyes and breathed deeply. It was too short a reprieve from the dismal sight that was her notebook, the page was covered by doodles, meaningless shapes overlapping, circles upon circles. This odd habit of hers seemed to resurface every time her mind became a labyrinth.

 

She had not heard a single word during the last couple of hours, a reality that greatly irritated her as she had been having trouble with this chapter. She had let the class slip away, and now the irrational fear of having compromised her studying efforts clawed at her.

 

She had made a terrible mistake, she thought as she leaned back against the chair, forcefully straightening her shoulders. She should have read it right away. Instead, the note that Momokino-san had handed her as she made her way back from P.E. class was tightly locked between the pages of her thick biology book. Sealed and unread. The pristine envelope bearing the mark of the Student Council President’s stationery and her mind had burned itself in building castles of thoughts upon it.

 

A note from Mei would never be just that. She rubbed at her temples, fingers pushing to dissolve the dull headache that had gathered behind her eyes. If the matter had been an urgent one, Mei would have called for her, she had reasoned upon taking the letter from Momokino-san’s hand. But why send a letter at all then? Especially now that they were bound to see each other at home, or even at the end of classes.

 

A surge of bitterness darkened her thoughts as she lamented Mei’s apparent inability or lack of want to speak directly to her. It was unfair to communicate in such terms, leaving the other part with nothing but words, eschewing questions and explanations. A long sigh followed, as she tried to blow those dark cobwebs away from her. She was no longer thinking about the note lodged in her school bag, then again how could she think of anything else but the letter that had stopped her heart?

 

She could not. It was impossible. Those words still haunted her. At the thought, any guilt that she might have felt over her reluctance to open the current note was quickly burned away by anger. It was too much to ask of her. Too much, too soon. An invisible hand squeezed her heart, the ring around her neck felt as heavy as a chain, a chain she was unwilling to break.

 

Her eyes darted around the room fearfully as the memory of where she was returned to her. Relief flooded her as she took in the sight of the empty classroom. She was alone, a small grace at last.

 

Just how long had she been sitting there, holed up in her mind?

 

She could read the note now, she reasoned with herself while placing her math book into her school bag, fingertips restlessly smoothing the book’s wrinkled spine as she considered her next step. She was alone and she had nowhere to be; it was the ideal setting.

 

And yet...

 

Her jaw clenched and her neck stiffened, the unfairness of her predicament clawed at her once again and instead of reaching for the letter, her hand swiftly zipped her bag shut. A screeching noise cut through the silence, her chair scraping loudly against the floor as she stood.

 

Anguish and irritation drove her out of the classroom. She slid the door shut behind her with more force that she had intended to. It closed with a clunking sound that made her flinch and even worse, the noise had garnered the interest of the few students milling about the corridor.

 

Each and every conversation died the moment they took notice of her, it seemed like high society had little manners when gossips were concerned. It might have been the only pastime allowed to them but Yuzu felt herself lacking compassion when faced by those famished gazes.

 

She shrunk under the scrutiny, the fire within her spreading about her face, more embarrassed than furious at the moment. Arriving at school with Mei had already brought her a great deal of unwanted attention and while Momokino-san had been discreet in her delivery of the note, it took very little to rekindle curiosity when the President was concerned.

 

She pressed her lips together, fearing the sharpness of her tongue if she were to speak up, and lowered her eyes. Concealing her face was the best course of action as her every expression would be investigated by the would-be detectives wearing the Aihara uniform. Perhaps that was the reason why Mei had mastered the art of masking her features to reveal nothing. Unfortunately, hiding in plain sight was beyond Yuzu’s ability.

 

She started walking, aiming to reach her locker as soon as possible while mindful to maintain a steady pace. Momokino-san often seemed to materialise out of thin air and being scolded for being unruly was the last thing Yuzu needed. She could not leave the Academy soon enough.

 

The locker area was tidy and pristine, just as the rest of the building was. Even with students taking turns to clean up after school, unseen custodians would add an extra level of polish when the building was empty.

 

At her old school, students had the habit of personalising each and every possession when permitted. Back there, every locker had been decorated with various charms or magnets and Yuzu had kept up the practice upon arriving at the academy, if only to give herself a means of orientation.

 

A few months ago, every knick-knack had been removed from the metallic surface. If asked, Yuzu would not be able to offer any explanation for her sudden impulse, it had simply felt out of place.

 

She leaned into her locker and pulled out her shoes with a clunk as they caught the grey steel walls. There were no further letters waiting for her in there, despite what her collection of romantic manga had always suggested. She pulled a textbook from her bag and placed it inside carefully.

 

After removing her slippers and placing them in the locker, she found herself acutely aware of a presence beside her. With the din of students and her scattered thoughts, it was little surprise that she had failed to notice someone approaching. With some trepidation, she closed her locker.

 

At once, her vision was filled with a perfect portrait of porcelain: Mei. No more than a foot or two away from her.

 

For a moment, the only thing Yuzu could hear was the pounding of her heart. She gawped at Mei, unable to do little else, her head becoming a clutter of halved thoughts.

 

To a casual observer, Mei would have appeared as composed as ever but Yuzu could see her befuddlement in her slightly raised eyebrows and in her wide eyes. The expression graced her features with a softness that could only be described as childlike nervousness. It was a look that she had cherished in the past. A look she knew to be wary of now, as it made her soft and willing. Mei did not offer her any words but the expectant way her eyes stared at her unnerved Yuzu completely.

 

"Yuzu..."  Against all odds, hearing her name calmed her, or maybe it was the soft note of concern at the edge of Mei’s voice that charmed her into attention.

 

"You..." She paused, now forcing an embarrassed laugh past her lips, the hollow sound leaving the taste of spoiled milk in her mouth. "You scared me, Mei."

 

She recalled a scary film that Matsuri had told her about. She almost felt like the protagonist of one, haunted by a ghost with pale skin and flowing black hair.

 

"I apologise." A swift bow of the head, dark long lashes resting on cheeks of ivory as Mei closed her eyes for a moment.

 

"A sudden matter required my attention." She continued, and there seemed to be a sort of hastiness in her cadence, the pause separating a word from the next felt too short for her usual rhythm. Still, Mei's face yielded little apart from beauty and to Yuzu her demeanour remained a mystery.

 

"...I trust you have not been waiting for too long, Yuzu." Rouge clouds gathered about her Mei’s cheekbones as she spoke.

 

"Huh?" Yuzu resolved to admit her confusion, accepting that trying to find her footing on this far too slippery slope was beyond her current capacities.

 

"Himeko should have deliv-"

 

"Yes!" Her heart bounced in her chest as she was offered a direction at last. She knelt to place her shoes on the floor, one slipped from her nervous fingers and hit the ground with a thud. She fumbled with the zipper of her schoolbag, impatiently tugging at it when it got stuck halfway.

 

"I've got it..." She muttered, giving up on the zipper for the time being and simply sticking her hand inside to grab the smooth envelope, partially crumpling it as she pulled it from her half-open bag.

 

She opened it in a hurry, eager to move past the embarrassing situation. Still, when faced with Mei's elegant handwriting, her heart lodged itself in her throat, stalling her breath and drying her mouth. She had to shut her eyes against the memory, focusing on the moment; she had not just returned to an empty house to find a letter waiting for her.

 

She was standing by her locker, holding her schoolbag, with her red bow tied loosely about her neck. She was at school and all around her, her fellow students attended to their own business. Mei was there, standing in front of her. She had returned home and they had walked to school together. Her panic subsided as her eyes proved her thoughts true.

 

She read the note then.

 

_“Yuzu,_

 

_Spoke to Mother at lunchtime. She said she is feeling a little better. She has asked us to pick up some groceries on the way home. Please meet me by the lockers after school.”_

 

Yuzu read the message at least three times before allowing her brain to process the fact that she almost lost her sanity over such a simple matter. It was a note, written elegantly on rather expensive paper, but a note none the less, and a particularly mundane one as that. Much like a post-it left on a fridge, the message was something to be read without further thought.

 

She shuffled on her feet, feeling the sudden urge to break into a run to soothe her stiff legs. Sadly, running was not permitted within the Academy and if Momokino-san might not be able to catch her, Mei surely would. The bizarre idea petered away, still she felt the warmth of embarrassment colouring her cheeks. There was no way out.

 

She folded the note with the same amount of care one would bestow upon an origami sheet and once she was done, she placed the letter back into her schoolbag, lamenting the fact that her own embarrassment could not be tucked away in such a swift manner.

 

“Yuzu.” Her name being called broke her out of her trance; the way Mei’s lips shaped the sound was as spellbinding as always. Her eyes found Mei with a measure of trepidation, her moment of confusion had surely failed to escape the girl’s keen eyes.

 

Yuzu dreaded the possibility of being asked questions about it. Mei had seemingly paid no heed to how receiving a note from her could affect her, a fact that left a sour taste in Yuzu’s mind. As was often the case, upon setting her eyes on Mei, Yuzu’s expectations were thwarted as she found no trace of curiosity in her eyes, there was only sadness.

 

“If you have other plans, I can go by myself.” 

 

Mei’s posture folded to become one of fallen shoulders and downcast eyes while Yuzu’s hand tightened around the handle of her schoolbag. 

 

“... I would require a list of items to purchase though.” Her voice shed some of its elegant firmness with every word.

 

“What? No! Not at all, Mei.” The words tumbled from Yuzu’s lips on their own accord, her reaction had been so immediate that her mind barely had the chance to register what was happening. 

 

“We should go together, Mei.” Yuzu found herself taking a small step forward, slightly ducking her head to find Mei’s eyes with her own.

 

Twin spots of red blossomed about her cheeks as their gazes met, Mei's disposition was no longer shrouded in shadows. Her words had caused a peculiar expression to appear on Mei’s features. There seemed to be a smile concealed within the graceful lines of her face, a smile that could not quite reach her lips yet. The eerie sensation of being similar to a kite subjected to the whims of the wind found Yuzu again. It left her with a moment of mental vertigo that lead her to acknowledge how performing mental acrobatics over her situation had little use.

 

"Just a moment." She said at last, realising that she had yet to step into her shoes and tidy her locker.

 

The way everybody’s attention shifted on them as they stepped into the Academy courtyard had Yuzu feeling like the most coveted item of a one time sale; the only missing element was a price tag. The looks they drew were intense enough to make her skin crawl and she had to fight the urge to hug herself.

 

She felt no small amount of envy toward Mei at that moment as she was not bothered by the attention in the least. Perhaps she was oblivious to it, as was often the case with matters that held no interest to her or maybe, over the years, she had developed a sort of immunity to it.

 

Still, Yuzu wished she could be as cool and collected as her. Mei’s eyes always looked forward and she moved with the graceful parsimony of a cat. No motion was wasted. Everything had a purpose.

 

A sigh fled Yuzu’s lips and her pace slowed ever so slightly. She found herself trailing after Mei, her eyes entranced by the dark brightness of her hair as it flowed down her back. Without warning, the world went quiet and she saw herself reaching out to comb her fingers through Mei’s hair.  

 

A sudden warmth in her cheeks brought her back to her senses and she harshly chided herself for drifting toward such dangerous destinations. She attempted to clear her mind by taking a deep breath and nodded sharply, now only looking straight ahead. 

 

As if alerted, Mei turned around to check on her, perhaps to make sure that she was still there. Yuzu had done the same on several occasions, but such fretful behaviour was not typical of Mei and only served to thicken the fog surrounding Yuzu’s thoughts.

 

Nevertheless, Yuzu could only follow Mei’s lead at the moment.

 

* * *

 

#### Reverse Shot

 

Mei glanced over her shoulder to check that Yuzu was still there. A flash of blonde hair among a sea of black confirmed she was. They walked briskly in single file as they navigated the throng of commuters trying to get home. Taking the train was hardly an unfamiliar experience to her but Mei found herself half longing for her Grandfather’s car to roll up and whisk them away from the chaos.

 

Another look. Yuzu was still there. _Had she been Orpheus, she would have lost Eurydice a thousand times over._

 

There was no time to consider how her ploy would be received; all she could do was look confident and keep moving forward in order to carve a path to the station platform. Over the beige tiled floors and beneath the endless rows of bright white lights, people from every walk of life hurried in every direction as they chatted to friends or colleagues or found a moment of reflection in a pair of headphones. The station was a large one and despite not being the closest to the Academy, a few Aihara uniforms could be spotted among the crowd, heading for any one of the multiple lines that converged above and below them.

 

She had already memorised the route at lunchtime, having pored over a map discreetly obtained from the Student Council room. Three stops northbound, not the usual route but simple enough.

 

She readied her fare card as they approached the gate and caught Yuzu fumbling in her bag for hers in the corner of her eye. She scanned the card; a six-digit number flashed up on screen, confirming the funds remaining, then a satisfying click as the gate swung open. After holding up the queue for a few seconds, Yuzu came following after and they moved to one side where it was quieter.

 

Mei fought back the urge to scold Yuzu for her lack of preparedness. It was not Yuzu who decided on this short trip, after all. Mei then found herself wondering whether she should have been the one apologising to her. She had many things to apologise for.

 

“...It’s this way, right?” Yuzu glanced towards the sign for the southbound platform.

 

Even above the loud buzz of the crowd, Mei could make out Yuzu’s half-whispered words with total clarity.

 

“No, this way.” She replied, glancing in the other direction.

 

“Huh?” Yuzu asked.

 

Mei could not see her face as she began leading her but she knew that it would be full of confusion. They headed towards the stairs and were met with a rush of air and a screeching of wheels as a train pulled away, taunting them for being a few seconds too late.

 

The platform felt like a world away from the frenetic underbelly of the station but that would soon change. Mei felt as thought she should seize upon the brief moment of peace yet she could not find the words. Yuzu stood to her side and the early Summer breeze teased at her hair like fragments of sunbeams. There was no confusion on her face; There was nothing.

 

“What should we have for dinner? Any idea?” Yuzu asked.

 

It was a question she was not expecting. Whatever had been going on in Yuzu’s mind, she had not thought it to be food. Perhaps it was little more than idle conversation and humouring it would be little more than a politeness. Still, every opportunity should be seized.

 

“I do not know. We shall see what they have for sale - Maybe something we can all eat together that will not trouble Mother too much.” Pondering aloud was not something Mei was accustomed to; it brought her discomfort to not be able to offer a more succinct answer.

 

“Mama won’t want to hear that - You know how she is. She can be so stubborn sometimes.” A flicker of a smile formed on Yuzu’s lips. “...Just like you, Mei.”

 

The blush came easily and when Mei felt it add a dash of red to her cheeks, she made little attempt to hide it. In that moment, on the train platform, as people continued to pour in around them, she had known more intimacy than she had ever known in almost a year.

 

A small breakthrough.

 

Soon, the train rattled into view and a pair of doors parted with some difficulty in front of them.

 

_Three stops._

 

Mei repeated the detail in her mind as though failure was looming over her shoulder. It was not a coincidence that she had picked a supermarket out of the way, nor that she had waived the need to change out of their uniforms. She had expected more questions from Yuzu and yet she seemed to take to it without a fuss, or was it indifference?

 

The next train was full of commuters trying to get home. Mei found herself awkwardly placed between two handholds she could not quite reach while Yuzu, to her side and closer to the nearest door, snaked her arm between two creased suits to reach a handrail. She bounced about as the train rattled above the congested streets, struggling to keep her balance as fine strands of black hair began to free themselves from behind her shoulder.

 

Another jolt. Mei stepped forward to stay upright, her shoe clacking on the floor like a lightning bolt. Suddenly, she felt a gentle grasp at her sleeve and allowed herself to be pulled close to Yuzu’s side.

 

“Can you reach now?” Yuzu whispered.

 

Mei looked at the way Yuzu’s arm had twisted to reach the rail. It was too far for her. She shook her head and with the greatest care, raised her hand to Yuzu’s shoulder to steady herself. She felt Yuzu twitch in surprise, her body coiling like a spring. She briefly considered pulling away before another bump in the track put an end to that idea.

 

She could feel the sharp contours of Yuzu’s shoulder beneath her uniform and if she closed her eyes, she could even tell herself that she could catch the faintest wisp of her perfume. It brought forth feelings of nostalgia, a yearning for a time past.

 

* * *

 

#### On Location

 

Yuzu had always found comfort in the familiar designs of every grocery store she visited. The ever present lively music quietly playing in the background, the familiar scents of food and the bright light all blended together to create an atmosphere that she was quite accustomed to. As a small child, she would dart from one shelf to the next, stopping every now and then to check the list that Mama had given her and feeling ever so proud over being able to help.

 

For as much as she adored fashion, clothing sales could grow stressfully competitive in the high season while shopping for the house never failed to relax her. Perhaps it appealed to her nurturing nature, but only a few things matched the joy she felt over taking care of her loved ones. She would push her cart around lazily, taking her time on deciding what to get, comparing prices and checking the quality, picturing what she was going to prepare and the reaction it might entice. In the wake of Mei’s departure from home, her trips at the grocery store had became mostly frugal as she would simply step in, grab some pre-made meal and step out with the speed and indifference of a salaryman.

 

Mei was by her side now. Yuzu stole a quick glance at her and held back a sigh; no matter how many times she peered, those fine features yielded nothing. She felt victim of her own truth when another stolen glance left her slightly blushing at the sight of Mei rubbing a lock of hair between her fingers.

 

She had worn the Aihara uniform out of school on more occasions than she dared to admit and yet, never had she felt as conspicuous as she did right now. Breaking the rules with Mei added a whole different flavour to the experience and even though she could scarcely discern Mei’s intentions, Yuzu could not keep her heart rate from quickening.

 

A tug from the basket forced Yuzu to stop as the loose plastic of a box got tangled with it. She twisted it free easily enough but as she lifted her head, she caught Mei staring at her with her customary wide eyed look. A look Yuzu was soft for as it always brought a childlike gentleness to the sharpness of Mei’s features. She inhaled sharply but the familiar flutter of wings in her stomach had her struggle to keep her lips still.

 

Yuzu was granted a timely distraction when the lively background music was cut by the chiming sound announcing a special offer. She cocked her head and listened attentively as a  precise voice enunciated the deals of the day. It was a habit she had developed during her childhood years as the right deal could turn a simple dinner into an event.

 

This time around, the offer held no interest for her. She returned to a present that had Mei’s inquisitive eyes trained on her. The curiosity animating them put a spell of timidness over Yuzu. Surely, the Aihara heir had ever needed to pay attention to such mundane things, the notion felt like ice upon her blushing cheeks.

 

Her embarrassment growing, she gazed about her in the hope of finding some sort of handhold, a way to pull herself out of this moment. Struck by sudden inspiration, she pushed towards the fresh produce area and swept her eyes about the current display of vegetables. It was not as generous as it would be in the early mornings, when mounds of vegetables in crates and baskets created a colourful hilly landscape but the selection still held anything that Yuzu might need. A deep breath and the lovely green scent of the products tickled her nose.

 

"Hey Mei, what about omurice?" She said right after exhaling, embarrassment igniting her cheeks once again as she realised that her moment of enthusiasm had led her to speak in a rather high tone.

 

"...for dinner, I mean." She lowered her voice, resisting the urge to rub her neck and looked at Mei.

 

To her surprise, Mei did not appear annoyed in the least by her lapse in manners. Yuzu would not dare to go as far as to say that she appeared amused but there seemed to be a timid smile hiding in the corners of her lips.

 

"A good idea, I think." Mei swept her dark hair behind her shoulder with her hand, her arm performing a gesture that stood halfway between laziness and grace and promptly stepped forward.

 

Yuzu stood where she was, eyes following Mei's every move as she walked about the rows of products, stopping to contemplate each selection before picking the sample she deemed the best. In a short time she had retrieved the few indispensable vegetables that Yuzu had declared to be the staple of her omurice recipe.

 

Then she proceeded to carefully place the small bags into the basket while her hair fell forward once again to cover her face, most likely by design. Perhaps it was because Mei had absolutely no affinity with cooking, but the fact that she knew exactly which ingredients were necessary for her recipe awakened a timid tenderness within Yuzu. It tugged at her lips and forced her to yield a small smile.

 

It was better to eat omurice as soon as they were made, the soft way the warm egg yielded under the fork and the scent rising from the cut was an experienced all in itself.  Nonetheless, the most delicious omurice that Yuzu had ever tasted had been a cold one: A leftover, carefully wrapped in cellophane and waiting for her at the end of a most busy shift at the cafe.

 

She had returned to a dark and silent house and even though she had told Mei not to wait for her; the solitude had made her feel nostalgic. Her eyes had been drawn to the plate the moment she switched the kitchen light on, a harbour in a storm, she had thought Mama to have left it for her but the note said otherwise:

 

_“Good work studying, this portion is for you. -Mei”_

 

She had almost squealed then, forgetful of the late hour. The joy she had felt over the kind gesture had left her shaking. Her fatigue had been easily washed away and the guilt that she had felt over holding a part-time job, in spite of the Academy rules, had quickly been eclipsed by the sunlight that was Mei caring for her. Such joy had made all the more adamant to work hard, as nothing would be able to convey the love she felt for Mei like those twin bands of silver.

 

 _Where was Mei’s ring now? What had become of it? Had it been forgotten?_ Her hands tightened around the basket handle almost painfully at the great sadness that invaded her at the thought. She had not been able to part from her own ring, not even in the darkest of hours and to think that its other half had been discarded filled her with loneliness.

 

“----Yuzu?” She held back a gasp but could not stop herself from bouncing back. Mei’s voice, so sudden and so close, had felt like a discharge of electricity.

 

“Yeah, sure, we’ll get the eggs.” Yuzu recovered as best as she could, latching onto the faint echo of Mei’s voice.

 

“As I just said, we do have eggs at home, Yuzu.” The reply was tinted with amusement, a very delicate and subtle shade of it, one that very few people would be able to notice. “I think we are going to need another basket though.”

 

Unexpectedly, instead of comforting Yuzu, Mei’s reaction only served to fill her with panic. She was standing on a fence and no matter the side she picked, her heart would be at risk.

 

“We need the chicken then.” Yuzu replied in a single breath. “I...I’ll go get it.” She yelped back before dashing away, her feet matching the racing heartbeat in her head and her haste so merciless that only an impromptu pirouette saved her from crashing into an elaborate display.

 

… although, perhaps, a disaster was just what she needed to hold her mind in place.

 

Yuzu returned to find the aisle empty and after a brief panic, shifted to the next. There was Mei, her eyes casually fluttering about the shelves with vague curiosity as she loaded up a basket of her own. Yuzu could not resist the temptation presented by the chance of observing Mei from afar. Her unworldliness concerning simple matters would often paint a naive expression on her face.

 

She squinted her eyes when she saw Mei push a lock of hair behind her ear with a nervousness that poorly suited her graceful nature. A small nod then and she reached for a small box on the top shelf, elegantly tipping on her feet for an instant while her long hair swayed gently behind her. She brought the product to her face and stared at it with staggering intensity before placing it in the basket. For a moment it seemed like a smile was to appear on her face, the subtle stifling of her lips was a sign of it.

 

Nevertheless, Yuzu’s silent study of Mei came to an abrupt end when she found herself at the receiving end of an inquisitive pair of purple eyes. She shrugged sheepishly, mostly to herself, and rubbed her face with her free hand in a poor attempt to conceal her blushing cheeks. Upon reaching Mei, her embarrassment was traded with curiosity as Mei’s own bashfulness fairly exceeded hers, as even the tips of her ears were dusted in the hue of scarlet.

 

“Hey…” Yuzu tried to dispel their shared awkwardness with an easy smile, immediately freezing upon realising how effortlessly the gesture had came to her. Concern creeped on her and she averted her eyes from Mei, almost missing the gentle rise of a dark eyebrow.

 

Yuzu’s heart was doomed to remain restless, Mei had seen to by filling her own basket with Yuzu's favourite snacks. A disproportionate reaction perhaps but the fact that Mei had spent her moments of solitary shopping thinking of her filled Yuzu with a euphoric tenderness that she had feared forever lost from her life.

 

She could not thank Mei though. It was too soon. Everything was still too frail, a word, even a simple one might easily shatter the new shape that their world was taking. It was all too delicate.

 

Perhaps returning the gesture in kind would be enough. Sadness then invaded her at the realisation that, apart from sashimi, she did not know what Mei favoured. The girl had never expressed her preferences and seemed to be alright with anything that was offered to her.

 

Perhaps she did not even knew what she favoured herself.

 

Yuzu stood at last. She set her shoulders straight and held her chin high. Her heart was still raw and she lacked the words to speak what she needed to say but perhaps, for a moment at least, she could hold Mei’s gaze within hers.

 

“Let’s go home, Mei.” She said while heading the counter. “Mama is surely waiting for us.”

 

She twirled around to find Mei already close behind her, eyes wide open but seemingly taking in little, her hands clasped around her basket in front of her like her schoolbag.

 

* * *

 

#### Hope in Her Eyes

 

“We’re home!” Yuzu called out as she stepped into the apartment.

 

Mei followed behind her, plastic bags of groceries cutting into both hands. Mother was already on her feet by the time she closed the door, restless like a feral cat kept inside all day. She offered a bow of gratitude as Mother relieved her of her bags, allowing her to remove her shoes; The rigid leather had started to irritate her, a punishment for opting to go so far out of the way for food.

 

“Yuzu, Mei-chan.” Ume tilted her head as she eyed them with suspicion and bemusement. “...You’re still in your uniforms.”

 

“Ah! Well…” Yuzu started to speak but found herself at a loss for words. Mother had never questioned her previously on any after-school excursions.

 

“It’s against school rules, right?” Mother let the final vowel linger on her tongue as her lips curled into a smirk.

 

“It is, Mother. I suggested that we go straight from school.” Mei explained.

 

“W-We went to Yūrakuchō!” Yuzu hastened to add.

 

“Oh? It’s a bit far out of the way. We don’t want you turning into a delinquent too, Mei-chan!” The high pitch of Mother’s voice was delightfully sweet.

 

“Mama!” Yuzu’s cheeks began to turn red.

 

She had already turned and headed for the kitchen with the bags before Yuzu had the chance to fully react. Mei stepped into her slippers and headed after her; It seemed that Mother had perked up but only the bright lights of the countertops would set her mind at ease. She stole a glance. Mother’s soft complexion had gained more colour than she had seen that morning, though her slightly sunken eyes told a different story.

 

“As the Student Council President, I must regularly ensure that the rules are fit for purpose.” Mei spoke loudly so that Yuzu could hear her too. “The topic of uniforms often comes up at our meetings - The Vice-President is especially vocal about it.”

 

Over the rustle of plastic bags, Mei heard Mother chuckle but nothing from Yuzu. Dinner was set to be another quiet affair.

 

The sink now empty, Mei held her hands under the warm flowing water. She had washed the dishes with a diligence that could only be described as excessive. The reason behind her zealousness sat at the kitchen table with a thick book in front of her. As of now, whoever had devised the apartment’s layout held Mei’s uttermost gratitude because from the sink, she was granted full view of the table.

 

Yuzu cut a delectable picture with her head tilted in concentration, hair gathered into a messy bun, a few wisps of gold escaping to frame her fine face. She held the end of her pencil between her lips, absentmindedly chewing at it every now and then. Mei had to fight the urge to scold her for entertaining such habit. It was not her place.

 

She had already been cleaning when Yuzu had surprised her by dropping her schoolbag onto the table. The fact that Yuzu had elected to remain in close proximity of her, in place of disappearing, could be only considered as a gift: A gift she did not truly deserve but Yuzu’s generosity had always been boundless.

 

Her focus was completely absorbed by her studies; Yuzu had only stolen a couple of quick gazes in her direction, although Mei had not suffered the lack of attention in the least. Only yesterday, being able to be around each other in such a peaceful atmosphere was a possibility that could have been generously described as a mirage.

 

It was without warning that Yuzu stretched her limbs, arms reaching high above her head and legs extending themselves under the table. The sudden move had Mei jolt to attention. She closed the faucet swiftly and proceeded to dry her hands with a spare kitchen towel. In the span of an instant, the warmth of the water was replaced by the warmth of a mild blush. Hopefully, Yuzu had failed to notice her staring eyes.

 

Yuzu paid no mind to her and resumed her sitting position with a long sigh. Mei found herself holding her breath for absolutely no reason, her eyes following her step-sister as she placed her pencil in the middle of her book with the utmost care. She joined Yuzu in taking a deep breath but remained still when she slapped gently at her own cheeks.

 

“Hey, Mei…” Yuzu’s voice halted the many queries lingering in Mei’s mind. “...has your class covered chapter 13 yet?”

 

Mei’s heart leapt at the question. Yuzu starting a conversation of her own volition, without being prompted by the situation, was yet another proof of the boundless generosity of her heart, Mei thought.

 

“Not yet.”  Her reply pulled down the corners of Yuzu’s lips. A relieved sort of gratitude filled Mei as her next line remedied to such wasteful loss. “But I have.”

 

“Ah, then… if you’re not busy… I mean...” Yuzu’s boldness petered away when Mei met her gaze with expectant eyes. She averted them immediately, granting Yuzu the chance to dismiss her embarrassment with a nervous chuckle. The colourful hue of her cheeks gave her away all the same though.

 

“Could you go through it with me?” The question left Yuzu’s lips in a single breath that lifted her shoulders and stiffened her neck, the words spoken so quickly that for a moment their meaning eluded Mei’s grasp.

 

It felt unearned on several levels to have Yuzu reach out for her but of the many lessons her Grandfather had taught her, the one postulating the importance of seizing each and any opportunity was one that Mei deemed wise.

 

“It’s okay if you can't! I mean, Mei… you already… and if you're busy...” Yuzu had mistook her silence for hesitation or even rejection.

 

“Not at all.” Her voice rang louder than she had intended through the kitchen and she felt the brush of embarrassment paint her neck and cheeks in scarlet. Fortunately, her hair concealed her ears - not even their tips had been spared.

 

“It would benefit me as well, Yuzu.” She had only managed to regain part of her composure when the small smile gracing Yuzu’s lips robbed her of it.

 

“I’ll make some tea then!” Yuzu leapt to her feet, leaving the chair behind her wobbling slightly while Mei fell into a thoughtless trance that only permitted her to nod.

 

They spent the remainder of the evening going over notes. The depth of Yuzu’s studies had taken Mei by surprise, yet she supposed the sudden rise of her step-sister up the exam rankings had not been a lucky coincidence.

 

Mother had retired unusually early, leaving them alone. Mei wished that she could speak of things other than algebra and the dates of historic events but her lips had been sealed in tight stitches. They had reached an impasse of sorts, content to be in the company of each other but unwilling to look up at the dark cloud hanging above them. Mei questioned whether the relative bliss of her current situation, awkward as it was, would be preferable to opening old wounds on a selfish gamble. Both options were less than what Yuzu deserved.


	5. Love Ever After

#### White Swan

 

Yuzu made her way toward the booth in the corner, mindful of Matsuri’s preferences as, for some reason, she had yet to uncover, the girl preferred to sit with her back to the wall when possible. Tension stiffened her shoulders and she willed herself to look forward as she walked by a table occupied by a young couple. Envy had never been one of her traits but she had learned that witnessing the dazed happiness of love steered her mind toward unpleasant thoughts. Thoughts often built upon the cruel realisation that her time with Mei had never been quite carefree for no matter how drunk on happiness she had been, their horizon had always held dark clouds.

 

 _Maybe, if I had paid more attention then_ \- She shook her head refusing to complete the thought. Her loose golden locks scattered about her shoulders and once again, she regretted not taking the proper time to fix her hair in the morning as Mei stepping into the bathroom had sent her scurrying away.

 

She bit her lower lip, inflicting a delicate pain upon herself and moved forward to carefully place her tall glass of iced milk tea on the gleaming surface of the cafe table. She then put Matsuri’s shopping bags down on the bench and took a seat herself, scooting over to push the purchases toward the centre of the bench with her own body, the sharp edges of manga and games catching her hips.

 

At some point during the day, she had found herself carrying Matsuri’s bags, although no matter how hard she tried, she could not recall when or how it happened. Nevertheless, she felt no annoyance over it; she was used to acting as Matsuri’s big sister after all. In truth, she found the unchangeable nature of some things comforting. Matsuri would always be an ever-present force of nature.

 

A bemused smile appeared on her lips as her mind revisited a memory from her shared past with the girl and she found herself walking her to school, scents of spring filling her nose as the memory took hold of her. The warmth of the first sun stroked her back and she felt Matsuri’s small hand wrapped around hers, so tightly that Yuzu had to often ask the girl to relent her hold.

 

“Yuzu-chan, did you miss me?” The words slid into her ear with the same unforgiving inevitability of an ice cube sliding down the back.

 

Yuzu jumped in her seat, barely able to hold back a yelp when her breath caught in her throat. Her head snapped sideways to find Matsuri by her side, one arm draped on top of the seat backrest as she peered at her from above. For a moment Yuzu had the harrowing sensation of being at the bottom of a cliff, Matsuri looming over her, her lips drawing a cutting smirk.

 

A frown pulled her eyebrows closer and she glared at Matsuri with dark eyes. As expected, the girl remained undeterred and even though Yuzu knew that being looked at sternly pleased the girl’s mischievous side, she could not help but prolong her disapproving gaze.

 

Matsuri left her side once Yuzu looked away and moved to take her own seat. She dropped onto the cushioned bench with little grace and placed  her own drink on the table with less care than Yuzu would have deemed safe. Her order was a special caramel latte with a topping high enough to conceal the lower half of Matsuri’s face and dropping it would have created a mess able to turn a waitress’s day into a nightmare.

 

The thought made Yuzu flinch as she knew from personal experience working in a cafe how hard removing such stains was. Her scolding words never made it past her lips though as her attention was stolen by Matsuri’s open wallet that the girl dropped upon the table with a thud, paper bills staring up at the ceiling.

 

“What?” The girl complained, easily locating the source of Yuuzu’s concern, her face stretching to paint a portrait of wide-eyed innocence. Her acting skills might have been flawless but Yuzu knew that such expressions had no place on Matsuri’s face.

 

“That’s a lot to be carrying around, isn’t it?” Yuzu called the girl’s attention to her wallet with a sharp nod, her fingers pinching the pink straw in her milk-tea.

 

“Don’t worry, Yuzu-chan. I’m not running my _side business_ any more.” Matsuri sighed dramatically, her shoulders dropping under the weight of such sacrifice as she seized the chance to grieve the loss of her lifestyle of old. Her theatrics did not impress Yuzu and her uncompromising gaze remained trained on Matsuri’s face as she waited for a plausible explanation to be offered.

 

“My parents gave it to me.” The girl said with a shrug but Yuzu kept her eyes narrowed for a moment longer. It was not an explanation that Yuzu would have normally deemed plausible but her friend did not appear to be lying.

 

“Alright then.” She conceded with an easy smile, guiding her straw to her lips, humming in contentment as the cool and sugary taste of her drink met her tongue. Unfortunately, her moment of sweet gratification was not destined to last.

 

“Besides…” Matsuri pushed her drink to the side and leaned on both elbows to rest her face upon the bridge made by her intertwined fingers in a pensive fashion. “...this is small change compared to some girls at school. You should know that.”

 

“I suppose so.” Yuzu nodded, focusing her hearing onto the tingling sound of the ice cubes bumping against the glass as she twirled her straw about her beverage.

 

Yuzu had never paid any mind to the concept of wealth in the past. Money had always been a means to an end to her, rather than the end itself. Her attitude had changed the moment she set foot into Mei’s world as wealth was a solitary brick in the wall keeping the two of them apart - yet another piece of Mei’s world that she struggled to understand.

 

“Are you getting used to the Academy by now?” A pang of guilt needled her stomach at the question, the words souring her mouth as they rolled off her tongue.

 

She should have asked that at the very start of the year but she had struggled with managing a pain that blinded her to anything else. Yuzu recoiled, she did not want to be like this: selfish and self-centered. It was not who she was.

 

“Yuzu-chan.” Matsuri’s voice broke her out of the cage, her friend staring at her with a kindness that only a few people, if any, had ever witnessed in her clever eyes. Her understanding only served to make Yuzu feel smaller and to grow fearful of the words Matsuri might speak next.

 

Yuzu was far from a riddle, the darkening of her mood always spiralled around the same person and she feared Matsuri might ask questions that she had no answers for, answers she feared to learn. Her neck stiffened as Matsuri leaned forward, a cunning glint in her eyes as if she meant to reveal some dangerous truths. Yuzu could only hold her breath.

 

“The _Academy_ needs to get used to _me_ , Yuzu-chan.” Matsuri stated in a peremptory voice, eyes narrowing dangerously to become sharp shards of sky framed by her long dark eyelashes. Somehow, within the familiar curl of her friend’s lips, Yuzu found herself at ease.

 

She broke into a giggle without meaning to, the sound so incredibly honest that for a moment she doubted it to belong to her.

 

“You could have picked another school, you know.” She returned to the conversation with an ease that surprised her, her voice playing to a swift teasing tempo that lit a spark within Matsuri’s eyes. She captured her straw once again, taking a long healthy sip of her drink as she waited for the girl’s reply.

 

“Pfffft!” She girl puffed out her chest and brought her own drink in front of her once again, stabbing her straw into the thick liquid in a childish fashion. “And leave you and Taniguchi-senpai by yourselves? Nene-san would drive you crazy if I wasn’t around.”

 

She flashed Yuzu her customary cheeky grin, although there seemed to be an element of bashfulness in her expression. The knowledge that Matsuri only allowed herself to be so unguarded around her made Yuzu smile. She found herself feeling relief at Matsuri’s apparent lack of interest in the most troubling of topics relating to her personal life.

 

* * *

 

#### Black Swan

 

“So what’s going on with you and Mei-san?” Matsuri asked with casual indifference, her eyes remaining fixed on the screen in front of them.

 

“Huh?” Yuzu had been caught by surprise by the question and almost dropped the plastic gun she was holding as the onscreen enemies drew closer.

 

She turned to face Matsuri but could not find her gaze. Her pink-haired friend looked almost bored as she effortlessly blasted away at the arcade game as though it came as naturally to her as getting dressed. It had been Matsuri’s suggestion to make a detour to the mall small selection of arcade machines but she now looked like a moody child waiting for a parent to finish a conversation.

 

“You know what I mean, why is she back at school all of a sudden? Are you two back together again?” This time, Yuzu felt a slight edge in her tone.

 

Yuzu tried hard to focus her attention on the game but what little skill she had was rapidly deteriorating, her shots landing wider and wider from the mark. Her mental autopilot kicked in and she tried to offer the first excuse she could think of. Anything to change the topic.

 

“What? She’s just moved back in with us and-“ She began.

 

“Because her marriage got called off again, right?” Matsuri interjected, her voice louder than before. “People at school are already talking about that, you know.”

 

"They are? Ah!"

 

A flash of red onscreen. Yuzu had gone through another one of her lives as the game moved into a particularly difficult patch. Despite this, her mind was far away, set on the thoughts of just what had transpired before Mei chose to return home. She thought of Udagawa, meek and friendly, a fitting match in many ways. He would not have made a bad husband, yet Yuzu could not help but feel a small amount of bitterness toward him. She wondered if Matsuri knew who Mei had been betrothed to.

 

She would have rather moved those troubling thoughts far away.

 

“Ah!” Yuzu’s character was attacked again.

 

“You didn’t answer my other question, Yuzu-chan - Are you back together now?” Matsuri stopped shooting at the enemies in the game and finally turned to face her.

 

Now, it was Yuzu’s turn not to face her as she struggled alone with the virtual onslaught. She knew that if she were to look into Matsuri’s eyes, she’d see the interrogative stare, the one that would always cut right through her. She kept shooting. It was all she could do.

 

“I-I guess not. We haven’t really talked about it!” Yuzu blurted out.

 

Her efforts were in vain. A mournful dirge accompanied the game over screen and the clock began ticking down, asking for another hundred Yen to continue.

 

“You’re hopeless, Yuzu-chan.” Matsuri sighed as she leant on the cabinet.

 

“It’s not that easy...” Yuzu had only the vague notion of a retort to the comment.

 

Matsuri was right; She was cruelly direct with her words but she was right. She had not dealt with the issue ever since Mei had returned home: If she truly wanted to, she could be direct and just ask Mei all the questions she wanted to ask. It seemed so simple when spelled out like that, yet Mei’s aloofness made it tricky to find the right words. Instead they had allowed themselves to fall into what felt like an impasse; They could be around each other again but the echoes of the past were still deafening.

 

“It seems simple enough to me then. You and Mei-san are sisters. Nothing more.” Matsuri waved her hands for effect, a satisfied look finding its way to her face.

 

“You might be right.”

 

Was that really all they were? She could not deny Matsuri’s logic but she could also not deny her heart, as abstruse and perplexing as it could be at times.

 

She glanced over at Matsuri, who had now taken both of the guns for the arcade game, one in each hand. A smirk appeared on her lips, the kind of smirk that only ever spelled trouble when it appeared.

 

“You want me to play for you, Yuzu-chan? I can beat this game by myself.”

 

* * *

 

#### Mirror, Mirror...

 

At that moment, to find a single speck of dusk in the Aihara household would be quite the impossible task. Mei shifted on her feet and turned about to take in the sight of her labour: each piece of furniture had been polished, the wooden floor had been waxed and the trinkets scattered about the space, which belonged to Mother for the most part, had been rubbed to a shine.

 

The rest of the house had received the same treatment, the activity stealing away the entirety of Mei’s morning and most of her afternoon too.

 

Mother was sure to appreciate her dedication but taking such action was the least she could do, Mei thought to herself. She brushed her overly long fringe from her eyes with a swipe of her forearm and permitted herself a sigh of satisfaction.

 

Only the room that she shared with Yuzu had received a less scrupulous treatment as Mei had been fretting with the need to vacate it as soon as possible. For all intents and purposes, it was her room too but she avoided spending time in it. It felt like trespassing.

 

The flame-lit colours of sunset poured generously into the living area from the row of balcony windows and while the warmth still lingered, Mei felt compelled to stretch her limbs and arch her back, flexing with indifferent grace.

 

The light tension sewn into her body by her housework came undone and a pleasant looseness softened the muscles of her arms and shoulders. Unlike her body, her mind was growing restless with every passing minute. The sky’s shifting palette meant that Yuzu was not far from home.

 

She felt a tug within her chest, a pull about her lips and the flutter of transparent wings in her stomach. It was quite unreasonable and unjust for her to feel so excited but in the solitude of an empty house, indulging herself seemed safe enough as her heart alone was in peril.

 

Yuzu had left early that morning, even rushing her beauty routine and leaving her hair loose and bereft of decorations. Mei was not privy to her plans but knew that she would be back to see to dinner as Mother’s work was to keep her out late.

 

Unfortunately, preparing entire meals was still beyond her capabilities. 

 

Heat spread under her cheeks at the thought and she swiftly untied the band holding her hair into a low ponytail. Soft, black curtains fell forward to conceal the scarlet hue about her cheeks. For as long as she could remember, Mei was compelled to act as though she was always being watched; Grandfather often spoke at length of the importance and prestige of their family name and even the most insignificant of acts could tarnish it in some imperceptible way

 

Family pride aside and even in the solitude of an empty house, she was unable to let go of her own personal decorum and soon the unusual tightness of a frown took hold of her features. She willed it to dissipate with a long sigh that stretched over the quiet room like a cat would.

 

The sun had just taken its leave when the metallic tones of the key being turned fell upon the silence like a rock in a pond. An eager catch in her breath formed a lump in her throat and without meaning to, she found herself walking toward the entrance.

 

Her steps retained their usual swiftness and purpose but her knees felt soft, far too soft, as she waited for Yuzu’s voice to announce her return. No announcement was spoken though and when Yuzu appeared in the living area, Mei’s heart dropped to the pit of her stomach, her own greeting dying on her lips.

 

She could only describe Yuzu’s appearance as quiet and colourless. Her slouched posture made her appear smaller than ever and by the vacant expression on her face, it was clear that she was lost in her own thoughts, a world or more away from the present.

 

“Welcome home.” Mei forced the words past her lips, they were as shards upon her dry throat.

 

“Thanks.” A brief gaze and a tired nod acknowledged her presence as Yuzu appeared in the doorway.

 

“I...I’ll make dinner in a while…”  Yuzu’s voice sounded far away but her altruism moved Mei to reply that there was absolutely no hurry as she had a late lunch.

 

“...alright then.” A smile appeared on Yuzu’s lips then, a stifled and small one that made her appear wary and guarded. There seemed to be something broken about that smile.

 

Mei wished she had the courage to ask Yuzu if something was the matter. Even a less direct inquiry would serve her needs, perhaps a mundane one. Surely, asking her about her outing would not be invasive and not showing interest might be also considered rude. The words rose to her lips more than a few times but she could not bring herself to speak them. No matter how relaxed their relationship had grown during those last few days, she found herself faltering in front of those sombre and distant green eyes. It was the hue of an unreachable hill almost beyond the horizon.

 

As it was, the only thing she could do was nod and she did, feeling like one of Himeko-san’s dolls for a moment, perhaps just as powerless and still. Only the extravagant dress was missing.

 

Yuzu stepped back into the hallway and disappeared. Once she was out of sight, the tension tightening Mei’s chest came undone and she released it. Still, she followed the dragging sound of Yuzu’s footfalls as she retired into their room. The sound of the door being opened and then closed marking the end of her journey.

 

Mei allowed herself to become lost in thought for a minute or two before deciding that she suddenly needed to review her English textbook. There were a few grammatical points that she wished to clarify and she believed it better to nip any doubt in the bud, lest it grew into weed if left unchecked.

 

That particular book happened to be conveniently located in the bedroom, where Yuzu now was. Swift paced, she made her way to it, gliding slightly on the balls of her feet as her soft slippers met the freshly cleaned floor. With every step she took, her concern shifted a bit, away from the textbook and toward Yuzu.

 

By the time she reached the door, what to say to Yuzu was her only concern. The concept of small-talking was not foreign to her as long as the environment was a formal one but outside of that, she was as talkative as a statue. Lost as she was in her reflections, the thought of knocking at the door escaped her completely and she made her way into the room in one swift motion.

 

A soft yelp fled from her as she was met with the sight of Yuzu’s naked back. She stood by the mirror with a loose shirt about her arms, frozen in the motion of pulling it over her head, Mei averted her eyes as if scorched and stepped back, the motion so unruly that one of her slippers folded under her foot, making her wobbly for a second.

 

“Sorry! I should’ve kno-” Her embarrassment was met with a dry chuckle.

 

“No, no, it’s fine, really… it's fine, Mei.” Such an odd reaction prompted her curiosity to overcome her timidness and she raised her eyes to see that Yuzu had turned toward her, shirt still about her arms, though she held it close to her chest, concealing most of her upper body.

 

The glint of silver about Yuzu’s neck was all that Mei could see at that moment. She lost sight of it when Yuzu put the shirt on but the beautiful sparkle returned as soon as she was done and as she pulled her hair out of the collar, the ring twinkled about her neck like a star in the distance.

 

“I mean, it’s nothing you haven't seen before and...” A pause and the same sad smile that had tormented Mei a few minutes ago appeared again on Yuzu’s lips. “This is just normal… for sisters.”

 

Yuzu spoke only facts and yet Mei felt as though she had been the one caught bare.

 

“Yes. Of course.” She hastened to reply stepping fully into the room.

 

Keeping her gaze straight ahead, Mei made her way toward the small desk, her schoolbag was upon the chair. With every step she took, a subtle tremor set in her knees, her desire to appear calm and collected was yielding to the odd sensation of impending frailty and she hurried her pace.

 

As she went to open her schoolbag, the heavy brass clasp resisted her pull as if stuck. The setback, as small as it was, succeeded in widening her eyes and unnerving her, for the thought that the tremors might have visibly spread to her fingers agitated her.

 

Mei took notice of the absurdity of her reasoning with a sigh and mentally scolded herself for panicking over such small matters. A pale slender hand rose to capture a lock of hair and as was her habit, Mei rolled it between her fingers for comfort. 

 

At a different time, such a clumsy display from her would have been met with a bold chuckle from Yuzu, one that would have earned her a dark glare and a scoff. The thought came to her as the clasp came undone and she followed it, slightly shifting on her feet to gaze furtively at Yuzu.

 

Yuzu had failed to take notice of her troubles, a fact that surprised her with disappointment rather than relief. She had finished changing and stood in front of the mirror, staring at her own reflection, her fingers pulling absentmindedly at the collar of her shirt. She appeared to be lost in a world of her own, a seemingly troubling one at that, if the frown on her face and the lack of sparkle in eyes were to offer any clue.

 

“Yuzu…”

 

The name was pulled from Mei by a force that she would not dare to name. A tug at her heart, a knot in her throat, a flutter in her stomach and before she could realise it and stop herself, she had called out for Yuzu. On her part, Yuzu appeared to be just as surprised but when she turned toward her, Mei could not withstand the look in her eyes: eager and hunted at the same time and waiting for her.

 

Her chest tightened and her mouth went dry, even if she knew what to say, she feared that no word would be able to make it past her tightly wounded throat. Instinctively, her gaze fell on the ring dangling about Yuzu’s angular collarbone.

 

As soon as it did, the tips of Yuzu’s fingers closed delicately around it, the deep azure of her nail polish complementing the silver quite nicely. Mei felt as though she had caught in the act of stealing but was unable to avert her eyes as the sight of Yuzu’s acknowledging the ring presence acted as a magnet.

 

“Mmm… maybe it’s kind of silly for me to still be wearing this.” A bashful smile appeared on Yuzu’s slightly pink face after she spoke, as if her words had not just remade their world anew, as if her voice had not been small and strained as she spoke them, as if her eyes had not just speared Mei’s heart with the intensity of their gaze.

 

The distance between them was made a chasm by the past resurfacing. Somewhere in the void between them, the words she needed had fallen away from her. She had so many things she wanted to tell Yuzu but verbalising them was too great an obstacle in that moment.

 

“...do you still have yours?” 

 

Yuzu’s forwardness was unexpected, unlike the hurt that filled her eyes once Mei’s silence became too loud to ignore. The quiet sadness dulling the brightness of Yuzu’s eyes latched itself about Mei’s throat and tied a knot around it.

 

“I...yes....” Her reply was a small, broken sound that grazed her throat and only succeeded in having Yuzu avert her gaze from her. Or maybe her word had not been heard; Mei considered the possibility as her voice had felt distant to her own ears and the gap separating her from Yuzu was far too wide for such a weak reply to come across.

 

A sigh fled Yuzu’s lips then, it led her to raise her gaze once again. Mei found a pair of tired eyes staring at her, no trace of the brightness that used to illuminate Yuzu’s whole face could be found within them. Their verdant hue was as beautiful as ever, holding nothing but hurt.

 

“I keep mine close as well.” Mei pushed the words out, gathering every morsel of courage she could find within her.

 

Her voice had sounded harsher than she had intended, as if spoken out of rebellion, a sound meant to challenge the pain within Yuzu’s eyes and claim part of it as her own.  She wanted to take back the hurt that she had caused Yuzu and she could not recall ever wanting anything else just as much. Yet, as Yuzu took a few steps toward her, now holding a storm in her eyes, Mei felt herself shrinking, only barely resisting the urge to step back by making tight fists of her hands.

 

“You don’t wear it anymore though, do you?” The unusual amount of snap in Yuzu’s voice stunned Mei, her strict tone was one meant to accuse rather than ask.

 

A pair of blazing green eyes that left her no escape pinned her in place, the hardness of the glare was akin to a punch in the stomach, it made her muscles spasm and her breath catch. She was left gaping, unable to speak or to even hold onto a thought long enough to make words of it.

 

There was no breaking her fall.

 

 “I’ve worn mine every day, Mei...”

 

As if too agitated to commit to a single mood, Yuzu’s demeanour changed once again and her next sentence was  hushed and small. She sounded far from strict, her voice held the sound of tears, sleepless nights and dropping shoulders. 

 

“Every single day. That’s all I’m saying, Mei”

 

Her words were no longer shards cutting through her but the defeat within Yuzu’s tone made Mei bleed all the more. Trust that had been given so boundlessly in the past became a mirage that was too far away to even glimpse.

 

Silence stretched, one made of guilt and regrets, one Mei felt she had no right to break. She could only stare as Yuzu became lost in her own thoughts, now shifting nervously on her feet as if wishing to leave while not knowing where the exit was. However, when she tucked her ring behind her shirt, she did so with no hesitation.

 

“Yuzu…” For the second time that day Yuzu’s name was pulled from her. Just like before she found herself at the end of expectant green eyes with no follow up, no further words, much like an empty shell holding nothing but echoes.

 

“We’ll talk when you’re ready, Mei.” Yuzu said tersely before leaving the room at a brisk pace, her hands were balled into fists at her sides.

 

She could not say if Yuzu’s words were meant to offer her solace; It would be so like Yuzu to try and deliver comfort in spite of the ache in her own heart. Mei could no longer say if Yuzu would afford her such kindness though and she was too acquainted with the sound of disappointment to ignore how strongly the dreadful emotion played in Yuzu’s controlled voice.

 

Hearing it from Yuzu affected her in ways she had never experienced before as the pain of failure was not one she was intimately involved with. In the wake of yet another debacle of her own making, she felt as if gravity had doubled down on her; Her shoulders dropped, her back could no longer stand straight and the silver chain around her neck became unbearably heavy.

 

It happened without her knowledge, her hands reaching behind her neck for the clasp of her own silver chain, a clasp that failed to resist the nervous pull of her fingers and came undone all too easily. Almost afraid that it would slip away from her, she closed her fist tightly around it.

 

The sting of her most recent failure pricked at her eyes, yet another reminder of her inadequacy. She tucked the ring and chain into the frontal pocket of her schoolbag. She had never been separated from it since she had left and it felt like an important part of her very essence had just been wrenched away.

 

She had no right to wear it, she thought, now pressing her palms against her wet eyes in a bid to deny the tears gathering there. If she were to spill even a single one, Mei feared she might never stop crying. As the silence stretched all about her, she was overcome by a dreadful sense of emptiness, one that spread to claim every part of her until she was left with nothing but a void.

 

She had no regret over her decision to cancel the wedding with Udagawa-san but not for the first time, she found herself wondering if her life could ever have a purpose besides upholding the legacy of her family or if she would ever be able to move forward and become someone that she could be proud of. Someone that would be capable of looking Yuzu in the eye and speak her feelings without reservation.

 

Someone like Yuzu.

 

In a bid to find some comfort, she opened the closet to retrieve Kumagorou. She had noticed the bear a few days ago while searching for an extra blanket. Even though the sight of him had tugged at her heart and had almost won a smile out of her, she had resolved at the time to let the bear be.

 

Kumagorou was even softer than she remembered and by the fresh scent clinging to his fur, it was clear that he had been recently washed. She held onto him tightly, burying her face into its softness before closing her eyes, waiting for the familiar comfort that cuddling the bear never failed to provide to her. Her expectations were thwarted with little mercy as hugging the bear only brought her a deep sense of melancholy, one latched with the peculiar bitterness of missed opportunities.

 

The memories flowing through her were happy ones, such as spending a lazy evening cuddling the bear while sitting in front of the television with Yuzu, watching a show she had little understanding of. Yuzu would sometimes stop her crying to explain how tragic the tale playing on the screen was. She understood them a little better now.

 

All too soon it became painfully clear that she was asking too much of Kumagorou. It was not fair of her to burden him with such a dauntless task. With a sigh, Mei placed the bear upon the chair by the desk, arranging him in what she deemed to be his favourite position. She stopped to tenderly rub his head for a few moments before finally stepping away.

 

She cast her eyes to the window where the flames of dusk were gradually being extinguished by the night sky. As inevitable as the incoming sunset was, the sight spread a sense of foreboding within Mei. She walked to the window and rested her fingertips against the cool glass, eyes intent on avidly taking in the last drops of sunlight.

 

* * *

 

#### Just Right

 

“-- rling? Mei-chan?”

 

A voice tugged at the edge of Mei’s consciousness, awakening her senses to the surroundings and stealing a soundless gasp from her. Mildly disoriented, Mei shifted on her feet awkwardly; she followed the sound and turned toward the door to find Mother standing there.

 

She leant against the door frame with the casual easiness that Mei had learned to identify with her, arms loosely crossed over her chest and legs crossed at the ankles. As was often the case when studying one of her children, the expression on her kind face was one of affectionate bemusement. However, the tilt of her head and the intensity of her gaze betrayed a small measure of concern.

 

“Where were you just now, sweetie?” Mother’s voice would often feel like a caress and this time, Mei eagerly leant into it. Mother’s arrival had brought back part of the warmth that had bled out of the room the moment Yuzu left.

 

Not long ago, Mei would have deemed such a yearning to be childish and of no use. She had learned though, in the cold solitude of her Grandfather's mansion, that affection did not need to have a point to be of worth. It was a point all on itself.

 

Only then Mei realised for how long she had been standing by the window, seeing that Mother was home and the last drop of sun had long fallen from the sky. Stranded in her own mind, she had been reliving her conversation with Yuzu, frame by frame, word by word, breath by breath, changing her replies to match the truth she carried within.

 

_“I have been wearing it everyday, Mei.”_

 

_“So have I, Yuzu.”_

 

Such a small sentence, a few words holding the power to change her everything, if only she had spoken them as intended, with her voice and through her lips, instead of keeping them trapped in her throat.

 

“Sweetie, are yo--”

 

“Welcome home, Mother.” In a rare leap of manners, Mei cut her Mother’s question short. The last thing she wanted was to disrespect the woman but she could not gamble with the possibility of crumbling under such sweet concern.

 

“Thank you, darling.” Mother chuckled, shaking her head, most likely amused by her blushing cheeks. Her concerned frown soon eclipsed by the sun of a smile.

 

Mother was no longer gazing at her and she had bounced into the room in her typical enthusiastic fashion, her attention now on Kumagorou.

 

“Ah! I’m sure this big guy is happy to have you back, Mei-chan!” She squeezed one of Kumagorou’s fluffy ears affectionately before turning pensive green eyes toward Mei.

 

“I thought of having it delivered to you, sweetie...” She rubbed the back of her head. “...but Yuzu didn’t feel it would fit with your Grandfather’s… aesthetics.” She chuckled again, the thought of her eldest daughter brightening her face all the more.

 

“...he would have gotten lonely there, Mother.” The words fled her lips before she could rein them in and after them embarrassment dashed to colour her neck, she ducked her head slightly, bidding her hair to conceal her blush.

 

As expected, Mother did not bring attention to any of it, rather she was quick to move away from Mei's embarrassment and without warning reached to take one of her hand into hers. Only then, through their linked hands, Mei realised how excited Mother truly was, the tension in her body was one of unparalleled enthusiasm and she could barely keep still.

 

Surprising herself a little, Mei raised a curious eyebrow; her willingness to know the source of Mother’s happiness was as sincere as it was shy. Delighted by the silent question, Mother tugged at her hand gently and all too soon, Mei was being led out of the room and into the hallway.

 

“Come, Mei-chan.” Her voice carried a laugh, one that almost brought a small smile to Mei’s lips as the woman was no longer trying to contain the bounce in her step. “Mama has something to share with her precious girls.”

 

Perhaps Father was to be back home sooner than expected, she pondered and found herself biting her lower lip, yielding to an impulse that she would have easily curbed at any other time. Her confrontation with Yuzu had made her delicate and she could only look toward her Father’s return with a blend of uncertainty and anxiety. They were still strangers to each other and she did not know how to change that, not by herself.

 

Mei had to lower her eyes upon entering the living area for each and every light had been switched on. The room was flooded with brightness, like a hospital or an interrogation room.

 

The need to adjust her eyes had prevented her from noticing Yuzu right away but when she did, her heart stilled for what seemed like an eternity and only started again when a painful pang hit her squarely in the chest. Yuzu sat at the very edge of the couch, hands fidgeting nervously in front of her as she made sure to look anywhere but in her direction.

 

There was no missing Yuzu’s distress; she appeared even smaller, lost as she was in an oversized hoodie that only served to highlight how much weight she had lost. Her wandering eyes were dropping with exhaustion and the sharpness of her features betrayed an inordinate amount of tension.

 

To Mei’s surprise, the struggle of a smile appeared on Yuzu’s lips as soon as her eyes landed on Mother. It was then that she realised Mother to be the cause of Yuzu’s distress and worry rather than herself. Even the fact that she had not been averting her gaze from her but had barely registered her presence became clear to Mei then.

 

 _Of course._ Mei thought. _How selfish of me._

 

“Go sit next to your sister, Mei-chan.” Mother commanded her attention gently, squeezing her hand and looking at her with such affection that for a moment Mei found herself unable to move, needing to soak the warmth for as long as she could.

 

“Mama would like to share something with you two.”  Mother said to her, now cupping her face, her labour-worn hand felt slightly rough against her cheek and it made Mei cherish the honesty of her touch all the more.

 

She wished to return the woman’s smile in kind but at the moment the best she could do was to heed her request. The moment she took her seat on the sofa, Yuzu adjusted herself, slightly edging away from her as though to make space where none was needed.

 

Mother sat on the single armchair to the side of the sofa and appeared to be lost in thought, her hands wrangling together in her lap, feet tapping the floor to no particular rhythm and one side of her lips tugged slightly upward in what Mei could only describe as a timid and contemplative smile. Now that she focused solely on her, she noticed just how pale she looked and of how dark the rings around her eyes were. She had been sleeping poorly on top of being nauseous and it was clear that the ailment she had been suffering from was more than a passing cold.

 

Mei shivered at the thought. She had been fixated entirely on herself and Yuzu, failing to spare Mother’s health even a single thought. She lowered her gaze in shame, focusing her eyes on the tips of her pristine slippers. She had not even bothered inquiring about Mother’s health upon seeing her, even though the night before she had been queasy.

 

“Girls…” Mother’s voice had Mei raise her head at once. She had no clue of what her Mother was about to say and had fallen prey to a faceless fear, one that made her shiver and creep to the edge of the sofa. “As you know, Mama’s been a little under the weather lately and-”

 

“Mama, you should---” Yuzu surged by her side, she was halfway on her feet when Mother bade her to sit back with a calming gesture of her hand and shushing sound.

 

“Mama is fine, darling.” She reassured her with a fond smile and Yuzu sat back on the couch stiffly. It was only then that Mei noticed how vivid the happiness in Mother’s eyes was.

 

“I went to see a doctor today and well…” She lifted her legs and stretched forward them together with her arms, her hands intertwined together. She looked very much like a satisfied cat as the beginnings of a grin began to form upon the extreme corners of her lips. Mother glanced down at her stomach

 

“I’m not sick, not at all, quite the contrary.” A giggle latched itself to her words and Mei found herself confused once again, even more so when she noticed how still Yuzu had grown by her side.

 

She stole a glance at her and was surprised to find the beginning of a smile dawning on her lips, her eyes were locked with Mother’s. Green on green. There was no room for any other colour.

 

“Mama…” Yuzu’s voice was thin with a wishfulness that did not dare to speak itself too loudly. “...are you?”

 

Mother broke into a laugh, eagerly nodding while a glint of tears gathered in her laughing eyes. What happened next befuddled Mei all the more as Yuzu left her side to throw herself at Mother. It seemed like Mother had predicted her reaction because she was ready to welcome her with open arms. Or perhaps, her instinct was just that sharp.

 

All that Mei could gather was that her Mother was healthy and joyful and that was all that mattered, as for the rest… Mei tilted her head, as though a different perspective would yield an answer to the obvious thing that she was missing.

 

After their collision of crying, cuddling and chuckling, they turned to face her.

 

“Don’t you see, Mei-chan?” Ume asked, wiping a tear from her oldest daughter’s eyes. “Now you’ll get to be a big sister too!”

 

Mei could not recall exactly what had happened next; The wave of information she had began to process left room for little else. From the fragments of memory she could piece together, she remembered her Mother giving her a hug, uttering a vague comment of congratulations and most vividly all, Yuzu offering her a smile filled with a degree of love and warmth that she had never expected to see again.

 

Whatever change she had foisted upon the household had been immediately forgotten, replaced with something far more significant. She did not know whether to feel terrified or exhilarated, so she settled on both.


End file.
